Why ‘Friends With Benefits’ Is An Oxymoron

If you’re my friend, please don’t fuck me.

Ok, so I know my stance is unpopular. Let it be known that I’m not trying to win a popularity contest. I’m trying to tell you something important because we’re friends, right?

Well friend, here’s the deal. I don’t want to fuck you, and I certainly don’t want you to fuck me, and if we have sex under the guise that we’re just friends who want to knock boots without being in a ‘relationship’, then that’s exactly what we are going to do one another- fuck each other.

Friends Don’t let Friends Get Fucked.

Are there benefits to friendship? Yes, of course. But those benefits are inherent to the nature of the relationship and they come as a by-product of our commitment to the friendship. I like you, trust you, enjoy spending time with you, if you are my friend. From our friendship, I gain laughter, emotional connection, companionship. Orgasm? No. I don’t get orgasms from friends who are just friends.

Why?

Because like it or not, sex, at least for emotionally healthy, psychologically balanced, rational humanists causes attachment. If you’re not emotionally healthy, psychologically balanced, or a rational humanist, I’m not sure we should be friends in the first place, no offense. I will make this decision on a case by case basis. I will definitely, however, not sleep with you if you are not all of the above. If you are all of the above, then it’s probably clear to you that such attachment strains the bonds of friendship found outside of a romantic relationship, a.k.a Platonic friendship(the kind sans sex).

Because you are my friend, I’m sure you wouldn’t want to strain that bond. You wouldn’t want to lose that friendship over sex, unless of course you wanted to change the nature of the relationship and become romantically involved with me.

You don’t have to do that, that’s your choice naturally, and mine too. But I know that if you are my true friend you wouldn’t want to risk hurting me, just as I wouldn’t want to risk hurting you. You wouldn’t try to convince me that it’s better to have sex with a friend than it is to have sex with a stranger because that’s a lie, and we both know it. The whole nature of what you’re proposing, friends with benefits, is sex with no strings attached. Don’t confuse me by pretending that our friendship will attach strings to our sex. If you wanted strings, you wouldn’t want friends with benefits. If you want benefits without strings, you aren’t my friend. For us to both make some sort of preposterous pledge that we can take a meaningful and significant act, and do it together in a meaningless and insignificant way is at best short-sighted on one or both of our parts, at worst manipulative on one or both of our parts.

When you act in a manner that’s short-sighted or manipulative, sooner or later, you’re going to get fucked. And friends don’t fuck each other.

But You Like Me, You Really do. You Just Don’t Want a Relationship.

Bullshit. I mean a-chew. God bless me. Not soon enough. Because I’ve fallen for this backward, twisted logic an embarrassing, soul-crushing, mind bending number of times.

Here’s the thing, friend. We have relationships with everything we touch, interact with, engage with on any level. I have a relationship with food, with my body, with the earth I walk on. You can’t say you don’t want to have a relationship with me- if you’re talking to me, we already have a relationship.

Now I’m not Amy Schumer. I don’t assume because you told me I’m funny that we’re engaged. But we have a relationship. On a total side note, btw, and contrary to what you might think, you, my friend, are not Bradley Cooper. Not that that would make a difference here, I just thought you should know. But I digress.

So we already have ‘a’ relationship. If you want to be just friends, that’s fine. I’d love to play scrabble with you, jog in the park, braid your hair. You wanna get mani/pedis? You’re on! We can even be besties. Xoxoxo

But, you want to get naked with me? Put your nether regions on and in mine? Then, I’m your girlfriend. Why shouldn’t I be? Isn’t the foundation of a romantic relationship friendship? Isn’t what distinguishes your friends from your boyfriend/girlfriend the fact that you have sex with that person?Didn’t you just tell me we’re friends? And that you want to have sex with me? So why are you attempting to negate that distinction? I’m confused. This is confusing.

Friends Don’t Deliberately Confuse Each Other

If we’re friends and now you also want to take my clothes off, doesn’t that mean you want something more than ‘friendship’? Or, are you trying to make the audacious suggestion that you want to stretch the definition of friendship to include sex because though you want to have sex with me, and though you say we’re friends, you don’t want to date me, or call me your girlfriend. You want to reserve that title for someone else, when you’re ready. In the meantime, we can have sex.

I’m sorry. Super sorry. But that doesn’t sound like friendship to me. I’m a person, not a goddamned Jiffy Lube outlet. You can not drive in for a tune-up for the love of God. Also last time I checked, benefits are for full-timers, not part-timers. If you want to be self-employed, and you want benefits, you’ll have to pay for them. I don’t think the type you're looking for are available on the U.S. Healthcare website. I’m not an HR director, you’ll have to consult your local listings, or dial 411.

If you are my friend, I’m sure you wouldn’t want to take something precious from me for less than its worth, until something better comes along. Which, if that’s your idea of how to treat people, will likely never happen because the thing about relationships is, the way you treat any person is how you treat every person. And when you’re a shit head, you can’t have a good relationship of any nature with anyone.

If after this explanation, you still want a friends with benefits relationship, then the way I will relate to you moving forward is as a person I used to know.

The great Philosopher Immanuel Kant said it best when he wrote the categorical imperative. Never treat a person as a mere means, but always as an end in themselves.

Or in other words, Don’t fuck your friends, or anyone else for that matter.