Why I Stopped Chasing the Dragon…

A Short Story Concerning the Drug Addled Depravities of Dope Dependence

After having done pills with him for years, Big Mike and I snorted some heroin one day. Then we found out that smoking it off of tin foil worked great too. Even though I told myself I would never do it, eventually the time came that I finally shot up. The first time, it didn’t even work and I was so pissed. Karen missed my vein and my hand swelled up horribly. It almost turned me off to the whole idea of needles but peer pressure and curiosity got the best of me. Truth be told, I don’t even really remember the first time it actually worked. I think Jessica shot me up, or maybe it was Mike. All I know is that the rush was so insanely intense I can’t even describe it. The first few times I shot up dope it was so powerful. Then, one day I finally got “sick”. Big Mike and Karen and Patricia had all warned me about the horrific feelings of dependence, but I wasn’t prepared. Being dope sick is really rough. It’s very depressing. So, just like that, I was an addict. From that day on for nearly three years I would hardly go a day without my precious heroin.

In no time at all, my junkie mind became completely affixed to the thought of heroin. When I would wake, before I even realized that I had to piss or get ready for work or anything else, I would immediately be concerned with where I could possibly score my next fix. Securing the dope was the only priority. I couldn’t get out of bed or think about going to my next class or anything at all until I shot up. This is so far removed from needing a cup of coffee that I shudder at the notion that they are both considered “drugs”. Even cigarettes aren’t that bad, in fact part way into my three year dope addiction I had to give up smoking because I would throw up after a couple drags off a square. Even food was irrelevant unless I got some heroin in my veins, and even then I didn’t eat very much.

As time went on my girlfriend Jessi and I had to shoot up more and more dope more often. So the money from work and school and everything else simply wasn’t enough. We had to start borrowing money and pawning things. Then, we started stealing and scamming. Finally, after I had borrowed so much money from my friend Sheldon I eventually had to start pimping Jessica out to him. Even though it broke my heart to do it, the heroin was in control. As long as I didn’t have to steal and maybe get caught, this was an easy way for her to make hundreds of dollars in minutes. No trip to the hardware store to rip of copper to sell at the scrap yard. None of that! Just the loss of love and some awkward trips to Sheldon’s mom’s basement. Whatever, it’s not like I was even fucking her anymore anyhow. Heroin had totally killed my sex drive by that point.

Regardless, I calculate that together, she and I spent about $250,000 in less than 3 years. That’s a lot of dope for two people. Shit, we went from doing 0.01 of a gram to 0.5 in very little time, and a half a gram of heroin is a ridiculous amount to shoot up at once. Tolerance builds up fast if you can afford to keep buying and junkies will do anything for money, so barring an arrest and/or overdose… the dealers just keep getting richer. I can’t imagine how many millions of dollars of dope must get sold in cities like North Chicago and Waukegan Illinois. So much money, but careers in the dope game are short-lived for most people on both sides of it. Junkies die and dealers go to the joint. That’s it!

Anyhow, after we finally had to move in with Natasha in exchange for me teaching her boyfriend Hector how to grow shrooms, I really started wanting help to get clean. So, after a few failed attempts at naloxone intervention we separated. It’s nearly impossible for one person to recover from opioid dependence, let alone two. Timing and will power never meet up in both “lovers” simultaneously. Jessi and I continuously sabotaged each other’s attempts to go drug free. It was too easy for her to talk me back into it. Hungry to feed her own addiction with my consent, and vice-versa. God knows who’s dick she probably sucked to score without me. We were definitely doing dope behind each other’s back. Two sociopaths trying to maintain their sanity long after their dignity had vanished. It’s amazing I never killed her. Truly amazing!

Needle users are a special breed of addict. I remember melting snow with Karen to have some water to cook up dope in the bottom of a soda can with thread from a hoodie as a homeless addict, sharing needles with our friends like we were all lovers. There are subtle grades of white trash that can be found throughout the Northern suburbs of the Chicagoland area. For instance, the girls in Wildwood were slutty but the girls from Round Lake were junkies. My pregnant friend Sammy even shot up nearly every day of her pregnancy. Then, doctors and nurses actually let her and JR take sweet little baby Bonnie home from the hospital after she finished enduring her withdrawals. I was always worried that JR would nod off and roll over on top of her, smothering the poor little girl to death.

On top of this, it was so common for one of us to OD that it was sort of standard routine. I remember one time Mike overdosed and we had to shove his fat ass out of the car. His head split open on the pavement behind the dumpster where I wanted to leave him but she knew people had already seen us. So, Jessi revived him and we got the bastard back on his feet and into the shoe that had come off of him during the dump of what I thought was his body. It wasn’t until the day that Big Mike came over claiming to be clean with blood dripping down his arm that I finally saw him die in front of me for the last time.

The cops watched us for weeks afterwards before raiding the house he died in front of. Jessi and Karen and Natasha were all home when they came for us. The girls all went to jail for different reasons and the cops got all my bongs and rigs and crack pipes and nitrous oxide equipment and so many different pill bottles. Once everyone got back out, it was back to business as usual for everyone.

Ultimately, after losing my ex-girlfriend Juanita to overdose, pimping out my girlfriend Jessi and watching Mike die in his truck in front of me, then having the house get raided and all our friends arrested and nearly dying myself a couple times I finally realized I needed real help. So, I turned to my mom. She took me into her home and nursed me back to health with a great deal of tough love and to this day I am still dope free…