Will it ever get better?

When I was 10, or maybe 11 years old, in a far away land, in the country that doesn’t exist anymore, one night I ended up going to the movies with my friends and watching some American flick. I don’t even remember what it was, nor does it really matter. After getting that Hollywood fix, I was walking back home (yes, you could walk back home alone when you’re 10 years old and it was alright — back then and there), and I was really happy. It was dark and it was snowing — never mind that it was just 4 pm, it was winter after all, so it seemed like it was very late. So yes, I was walking back, and I was very happy. I’d just spent 2 hours watching some Hollywood fantasy with my friends — the treat so rare, that it seemed like my life would never be the same after that.

Suddenly, I’d realized, that the second I’d walk into the crowded apartment where the 5 of us lived, the second I’d see my family, my life would be just the same as always. My dad would yell and criticize me. No one in my family would care about why I was so happy. I’d have to go back to school the next day, where no one really gave a damn. Nothing was going to change, and I’d be back in my own reality within 5 minutes of me opening that apartment door.

This moment was one of those childhood experiences, that 25 years later I still remember it. I remember the dim light of the lamp post, the snow, and the moment of happiness, followed by the moment of complete desperation that “life will still be the same.”

I live in a different time and place now. 25 years later, I rarely talk about my childhood. I am a Gen X-er, transplanted to this country a long time ago, from the country that doesn’t exist anymore. I’ve been in this area long enough that I’ve seen the bubble burst of 2000, and the crash of 2008. I’m getting my popcorn ready to watch the upcoming crash of 2016–2017. The truth is that I get an uneasy feeling when things are going well. Because when things are going well, that means that soon enough, they will start going badly. And when things are already going badly, well, then there’s nothing to be afraid of. It’s already bad! I’ll just listen to Nirvana ‘cause those guys knew that life is difficult, painful, and a lot of hard work.