I asked 200,000 people what their biggest lie is — and here’s what I learned

Little did I know it would turn into the most mind-boggling experiment of my life.

In April of 2016, I received a phone call from the RCMP. (For you Yankees, that’s our Canadian version of the FBI).

Initially freaked out, the hefty voice on the other end explained that they were given my contact information and they wanted to talk about… the self worth of teenagers.

“Why the hell is this guy calling me?” I wondered. I wasn’t some adolescent whisperer. I wasn’t some therapist or any kind of mental health know-it-all. I hated teenagers because I was one once. And it sucked.

“There’s a ton of silent suffering. And we don’t know what to do. We don’t relate, parents don’t get it, teachers are overwhelmed and doing their best — everyone is trying, but we see more anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol abuse, harassment, teen pregnancy. We need to look at this differently.”

The voice of the other man went on.

“You have this weird knack for coming up with ideas that catch on. What would you do here?” he asked, as if I’d have a damn clue.

“Uhhh… holy sh*t, give me a week… or two?” I muttered.

(The story from there to here is a long one. Alas, I’ll jump ahead).

Since, I developed a mental health program called “What’s Your Big Lie?” It uses anonymous technology to allow people to share what we call their big lie — something that shapes each of immensely that we hide meticulously — displaying submissions in real-time for all to see. It then gives people a platform to come up in front of a massive audience and share their deepest pains.

Maybe what made it successful is that I didn’t want it at all. I wasn’t some expert. I didn’t have an agenda. I just had anger. Even so, it has been presented to over 200,000 people in the past year and a half, including students of all ages, parents, teachers, entrepreneurs, organizations and everyday people. They live in Florida, Ontario, Nova Scotia, British Columbia, Indiana, California and literally everywhere in between. They’re from every background and age imaginable.

The Huffington Post did a mini-documentary about the program here. I’ll save you ten minutes and just tell you that, look, it’s been beautiful yet terrifying.

Why? Because without meaning to, I’ve unlocked the deepest confessions of thousands of everyday people.

Here are some of the major things I have learned:

1. We all live a big lie. Yes, we all live a big damn lie. While it might be in one area of our life, it impacts all areas of our lives. We might not see it, feel it, or sense it, but it’s there. Read on and you’ll see…
2. We all think we’re the only one living like this. Know that little thing that feel like makes us unique? That nasty voice is critical, sure, but also gives us differentiation? That voice that tells you that you’re more and less at the same time? Yeah, that voice. It shapes our reality to the extent that we cannot acknowledge its impact. The notion of being the “only one” becomes a source of pride. All I can say is this… you’re wrong. You’re not alone. You’re not the only one feeling that way. You’re not the only one, no matter how dark and twisted it gets. Never.
3. So we inflate. Damn, do we ever inflate. Inflation is an outcome of insufficiency. We inflate what we can because, in the mind of the inflator, we don’t have much to grab ahold of.
4. And so we focus. It happens in areas we never thought we would. And it becomes our “calling” or “purpose” or whatever the salesman of the day wants us to believe. The closer we get, the closer we think we are to our finish line. When in reality that’s bullshit.
5. And then we focus more. We put the blockers on to any ideas that’s not within our narrative. Because ideas outside of our narrative are more threatening than the lie itself. Because there’s nothing worse than being found out.
6. And we shut out ideas. Hell, we just shut down to anything that doesn’t comply with our beliefs about ourselves, even if they’re rationalized on shaky ground.
7. And then we generalize. Because we have focused so closely, we believe we know what we are and what we aren’t. But not like before. Like now. It’s a whole new level. We get look at “the others” who aren’t us. They aren’t enlightened. They aren’t aware. They are nothing. Because we are something. And that’s more than them.
8. We develop a messed up world view. Cause it’s scary to not know what we don’t. Or at least what we think we don’t.
9. And that turns to a visceral hatred. Where we see the other as terrifying. Since we found our purpose it means that everything else is antithetical.
10. We get validated. Our own echo chamber is the best… yadda… yadda… you know how it is. Cause it’s the best.
11. It feels damn good. “Finally, people like me! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? Because I haven’t been whole without you.”
12. And we isolate. Because isolation is us telling others that we know better. That we’re more. That we know. And you have no idea. “Because how could you? You’re f*cking less.”
13. And time goes on. And on. Time is amazing like that. What’s more amazing is that time begets time.
14. Then something happens and we hate ourselves immediately. An incident. An idea. A feeling. Whatever causes it, beyond a certain point we think, “Damn, I can’t believe I’m getting away with this.” And then that turns to, “I’m so good because I am getting away with this.” And that transitions into, “I hate myself because I made others believe this shit that I don’t believe. I mean, I think.”
15. Yet we’re at home in it. It’s cozy. It’s clean. It’s familiar. We rationalize that where we are is how we are. Home is so seductive. That’s why Ikea exists. It’s a vision of what we could be and what we could have. If only we were modular and flat-packed, too.
16. Home is where the heart is. Our heart is a scary beast. Living a big lie means we have a perpetual narrative. Our blinders are on to anything outside of our frequency.
17. Lies are the same and so are we. Mark my words. You and me. I don’t know you. You don’t know me. But we’re the same. We all have this.
18. And it starts over. You conquer one and there’s another. And another. And then another. It’s devastating because reconciling whatever within us that terrifies us is never-ending. Yet, it’s how we live today. And it’s exactly why it feels so good to share this with you right now.
19. There is nothing more intimate than a big lie. Revealing a big lie to another is the ultimate way to heave open our souls to another. Because, in a way, the big lie holds all the pain, shame, fear we have within us.

I am not going to tell you how to get out of this; that’s not what this is.

Instead, just let the idea of having a big lie sink in.

Think about your experiences and your memories. Think about what runs through you as you read these words.

Because that’s the truth of it all. And, ironically, the act of hiding that truth is the big lie you’ve been living.

But look, you’re not alone in feeling this way. We all feel this, whether we can admit it or not.

You’re perfect as you are, even if you — like me — hold in a little too much, one lie at a time.

—

Jordan is a Partner of Shift, leading our workplace and campus educational programs. You can learn more about What’s Your Big Lie? by clicking here.