Rewriting The Stories We Tell Ourselves

I know who I am.

I know what I like about myself.

I know when to take time for myself.

I know where to receive help.

I know why I should put myself first.

I know how to take care of myself.

In the previous article we looked at the who, what, when, where, why, and how questions we asked ourselves while figuring out who we are. If you haven’t read it yet, you can do so here.

When we’ve figured out who we are, all of the questions above turn into things we know about ourselves: I know who, I know what, I know when, I know where, I know why, and I know how. This key translation in identity-focused language comes when we start setting boundaries with ourselves, others, and our world. These boundaries, which are the offspring of self love and assertiveness, give us the freedom and permission to be ourselves without compromise. The boundaries help us figure out who we are. These boundaries help us tell the world what we are — and are not — okay with. We’re only able to fully figure out who we are when we belong to ourselves and not to the crowds we seek approval from.

Fixed Identity
While we’re asking ourselves these critical questions, we find ourselves in the Fixed Identity stages of development. Fixed Identity patterns are characterized by high rigidity and an inflexible style of storytelling. In the Fixed Identity pattern, the stories we tell ourselves are concrete, unchangeable, immovable, and seemingly forever. Our culture teaches us that certain rigid and binary thought patterns keep us safe (believing that white people are the superior race or that only two genders exist, for example). In many ways, we rely on these rigid and simplistic views of the world in order to inform who we are. It’s easy to overlook the experiences of others in place of our own. In our culture, it’s easy to buy all the negative thought patterns that are for sale because believing that you’ll never be good enough is always sold at a discount price. When our self-esteem piggy banks are running low, these thoughts are easier to purchase. The truth is, if you’re always looking for evidence for why you’re not good enough or smart enough or healthy enough, you’re always going to find it.

Fluid Identity
Vulnerable, yet necessary, questions are met with new understandings when we confront our ways of knowing the world and ask ourselves critical questions. Critical questions help us interrogate ourselves and the culture we live in. What if my identity is shaped by things that are out of my control? How have my histories contributed to the ways I view myself and others? What does it mean to reframe my mental health and my traumas as not being my fault? The true liberation comes when we free ourselves from the belief that we’re going to be one way forever or change will never come. There are many aspects of ourselves that can and will change based on our positions in life. For example, we can practice self compassion through the belief that our emotional pain may not last forever. To have an ever-changing view about yourself and your identity is to write your story through the optimism of a Fluid Identity. This requires us to have a compassionate understanding of the self and see how our identities change in the context of our environments. This means we see that who we are depends on the story we tell ourselves, about ourselves, during our hardest moments. This means that we’re able to own our past and present stories and dare to write new ones for the future.

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