ESPN’s Fagan talks of struggles of college athletes and suicide in her new book
by Justine O’Brien
Kate Fagan, a sportswriter for ESPN, visited the Mullins Center at the University of Massachusetts Amherst September 21st to promote her new book, What Made Maddy Run.
The book tells the story of Madison Holleran, a student athlete at the University of Pennsylvania, whose death by suicide in 2014 made national headlines. What Made Maddy Run offers a look into the secret struggles of many college athletes, the shame associated with quitting and the seemingly unspoken difficulty that many students face when transitioning from high school to college.
Holleran, who was a gifted multisport athlete, was initially set to attend Lehigh University in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania on a soccer scholarship. Holleran made such good numbers her senior year in track and field that she was recruited by the University of Pennsylvania to run during her freshman year.
“We were seeing so many one dimensional headlines [about Holleran’s death] and I just felt that we were missing a lot of the story.”
Fagan lived in the Philadelphia area and was working as a beat writer for the Philadelphia Inquier for the Philadelphai 76ers at the time of Holleran’s death; Fagan, herself a former student, was struck by the headlines the news made in the city. Holleran’s own social media accounts painted the picture of a smart, beautiful student athlete that was living an idealistic life with her family and friends.
“We were seeing so many one dimensional headlines [about Holleran’s death] and I just felt that we were missing a lot of the story”.
Fagan crafted the profile entitled “Split Image” about Holleran’s story for ESPN but felt that there was still a larger story to tell. Fagan set to work on crafting a comprehensive analysis of the Holleran story that would become What Made Maddy Run.
The Holleran family loaned Fagan Madison’s laptop while she was writing this book. For two days Fagan combed through the computer trying to piece together the inner musings and thoughts of a girl she had never met. After digging through notes and drafts, Fagan decided to go through Holleran’s text messages last.
“The imessages felt like a really scary place because I thought there would be answers there,” Fagan confessed.
When Fagan did go through the messages, she found that while there were signs of Madison expressing concern over her mental health, the texts were dotted with LOLs and emojiis. These additions “softened” the overall message of Holleran’s texts and “made it hard for friends to follow up”.
Fagan offered some key points and insights from her findings in her book during her talk at the Mullins Center. Fagan spoke about the need for perfection that many students in Ivy League settings feel. At UPenn in particular, there is the “Penn Face,” the mask that many students wear when walking through campus. On the surface these students are smart, glowing examples of progress, but behind closed doors they are struggling to keep it together. The drive for perfection, or at least the appearance of perfection was a catalyst in the Holleran story.
“Notice how close perfection is to despair,” Fagan said as she quoted Pastor Maurice Boyd.
Fagan spoke about how there is a level of “athlete shame” that many student athletes feel when they transition from high school to college athletics. Among many student athletes, there is a desire to not to show any signs of weakness or hint of a struggle; because of this desire to show strength, these students miss the opportunity to see that there are other people who feel the same way they do.
“Notice how close perfection is to despair,” Fagan said as she quoted Pastor Maurice Boyd.
Holleran knew that her rigorous track and field schedule was affecting her mentally and attempted to quit the team prior to her second semester of school. The idea of quitting was something intensely anxiety producing for Holleran; by all accounts, Holleran was stubborn in her tenacity and the idea of being a “failure” was out of the question.
Fagan noted that Holleran did not want to feel as though she was “letting anyone down” and was ultimately persuaded not to quit by her coach. Fagan stressed that when a student athlete feels passionately about quitting, their own ideas of failure or “concept of hurting others needs to be pushed aside.” The student’s mental health is of a more paramount importance.
Another concept that Fagan touched upon was the “social media perception warp” that Holleran felt prior to her death. Holleran would post pictures where she appeared to be having the time of her life all the while struggling internally. Still, she would look at the pictures that her friends would post and truly believe that their lives were as perfect as their pictures. In the social media age, this is a common issue amongst young people and Fagan herself admitted to being guilty of the same problem.
“I’ve spent two years working on this subject and I still feel left out sometimes when I look at Instagram. I don’t know how to make that shift”, Fagan stated.
“I never met Madison Holleran and [it was challenging] trying to feel authoritative over someone you’ve ‘built’ like a hologram, based on what people who knew her said.”
Throughout her talk, Fagan maintained that she was not a mental health professional and that these issues are on a broad spectrum that have no clear answers. Still, at the heart of What Made Maddy Run, there is a silent stress of the importance of maintaining stable mental health. What happened to Madison Holleran is not necessarily ordinary, but it paints a larger picture about the current state of mental health among student athletes and regular students alike.
When asked what the hardest part of writing What Made Maddy Run, Fagan appeared thoughtful before saying:
“There are a list of things that were challenging; I never met Madison Holleran and [it was challenging] trying to feel authoritative over someone you’ve “built” like a hologram, based on what people who knew her said. I didn’t want to be wrong in my assessment of her.”
Justine O’Brien is a senior at UMass Amherst studying journalism and media literacy. In her free time she loves photography, shoes and attempting to keep plants alive.
