Equality, LGBTQ
Feminity and Masculinity: Where Do We Go Wrong?
Looking into the fairy-tale of our society that destroyed my childhood
Once upon a time, there lived a shy and reserved boy. The 13-years-old boy’s family lived in a town far away from their village. He found it hard to mingle due to his inherent shyness with both boys and girls. As the lonely days went by, hormones made his adolescent life painful.
One night he dreamed of himself as a girl. He had long braided hair with Jasmine flowers pinned on his it. He was wearing a green sari with a golden border. The beautiful ‘girl’ was traveling somewhere with ‘her’ family. The dream disturbed him.
It was a simple dream. But in a deeply patriarchal society, the dream could not even be discussed. He wanted to talk to someone about it but the society in which he lived made him disregard the idea.
The dreams became frequent and he lost his peace of mind. His inherent shyness and sensitivity made his situation unbearable. He feared his society and family.
The dreams reached to an extent that he couldn’t hold back his urges anymore. He became desperate. Finally, during the summer holidays, he got the opportunity.
The Trauma
He was sent to his distant relative’s house to live with his grandparents. He had a room to himself. He got money equivalent to US$ 2.7 to buy whatever he wanted from there. He bought a women’s hair wig along with mascara and red lipstick. He hid it in his room and told his maternal family that he bought a Beyblade.
At night, he wore the wig and lipstick along with mascara. He wore his mother’s dress and Brassiere. To get the feeling that he wished for, he stuffed it with socks. He walked and pretended to be a female model in front of the mirror. He enjoyed the feeling of being a woman.
Watching light in his locked room for long hours, his relatives enquired about what he was doing. He said that he was suffering from diarrhea and that he would come out once it gets over. Embarrassed by what he had done he undressed and packed the things. He hid it under the cupboard.
The next day, he woke up disturbed. He felt guilty for his act of crossdressing. He cried and prayed for his desire to go away. But then another voice in his head prayed to make him a girl. Overwhelmed by guilt, he threw away his wig and makeup. But, little did he know that it would open a Pandora’s box.
During the evening time, he was called by his distant relatives from his room. He was asked what these were showing the wig and makeup. He was shocked to see that they found out. He felt the whole world’s weight falling on his chest.
The family’s men scolded him for being a ‘girly boy’. They called him transgender and cursed him. The severity of the verbal abuses broke down the boy mentally. The women watched him getting disgraced but didn’t say a word.
One of them inspected his room and told the elders that there are remnants of the wig in his room. This infuriated the men further. They told him that this is filthy and his acts are despicable. After the rage of the men ceased, they told him not to repeat it. If he repeats it then he will be thrown away from his home and family.
The coming days saw women of the family teasing him from behind and men of the family teasing him upfront. He was told to wear his grandmother’s blouse and mother’s brassiere as that suited him better. According to them, he was not qualified to be a man.
The boy in the story is me. The verbal abuse took its toll. I lost my self-awareness after the incident for some time. During, those days I couldn’t talk or smile. My whole mind was blank. I hated myself. At night, when everybody was asleep I earnestly tried to cut the veins on my wrist. I contemplated suicide multiple times after the incident but couldn’t succeed in it.
Once, I fell in the bathroom and fell asleep for three hours. After which somebody called me out of my slumber. I walked to my room naked and fell asleep on the bed. The women in the house complained to men of my indecent exposure. They confronted me about it to which I told them that I fell asleep. Two months after the incident, I ran away from home.
To this day, the memory of the trauma that I suffered is ripe. I started hurting myself to escape the feelings to become a girl. I was diagnosed with ileocaecal ulcerations when I was 17 because of my mental trauma of being Trans. It took me years to understand that I did nothing wrong but society doesn’t think so.
The Reasons
From my experience Patriarchy reigns in Indian Society. It cherishes an absurd heroic concept of masculinity. Oppression of women and shunning feminity is considered normal. The sad reality is women are pallbearers of a system that downgrades their identity. They don’t realize that society’s patronizing of absurd heroic masculinity has ended in a dangerous concoction. The concoction is called toxic masculinity that supports rape culture under the surface.
For a long time, women of the Indian society have been indoctrinated to become staunch supporters of the religious patriarchy and conservatism. The sly religious leaders of conservatism achieved this through two types of sexism. They are hostile and benevolent sexism. Hostile sexism is explicit in its suppression of women and feminity. It can be identified easily. Benevolent sexism is more dangerous due to its covertness.
Benevolent sexism made women ‘angels’ with no voice or rights who served and never disobeyed the authority in a fairytale-like idea of society. They said feminity should be celebrated and shunned the expression of it by others. They said women should be respected and destroyed her freedom. They said girls are priceless and annihilated her very right to dream.
Benevolent sexism has made women slaves of patriarchy and conservatism without them knowing it. This has affected the lives of LGBTQIA, women, and also men a living hell. Being queer is seen as abominable and feminity is shunned. Men are made to live in a utopia where he should be hypermasculine and a great achiever. He should be rich and powerful or else doesn’t deserve an ‘angel’. He doesn’t deserve to be called a man.
Such high expectations lay bare the inherent trivialities of the conservative and patriarchal society that we live in. The idea developed to serve the interests of a few. The whole idea is irrational and deserves to be destroyed.
Every one of us is unique. We are unique in our gender, sex, caste, race, religion, and disability. Every identity needs to be celebrated. All humans are equal. Given the opportunities, anybody can excel according to their skills and talents. Women and men need to fight together against the conservative patriarchy’s honey trapping. We should realize the hidden agenda of benevolence sexism. We should resist the domination of patriarchal conservatives and support LGBTQIA.
LGBTQIA’s inclusion and acceptance can go a long way in realizing the goals of liberty, equality, and fraternity. Only then can we destroy the inherent dogma of conservatism and patriarchy. The dogma is based on a utopian fairy-tale which cherishes toxic masculinity.
Feminity, queerness, and masculinity need to be celebrated. None is above the other. We should celebrate our identity of what and who we are. The assertion of our identity is critical for our survival as a species.
Women ruled countries were found to be at the top of the list of countries that efficiently tackled the COVID-19 spread. Globally, the gender-equal countries were the most developed ones. These were also the countries where democratic institutions still reign strong. They have a good record on human rights. Conservative countries are having a bad track record on health, economy, science, and human rights. They are patriarchal and religious.
Homosexuality is common among animals. Teleost fish species changes sex according to their survival advantage. There are no males found in whiptail lizard species in which females reproduce offspring without males. The sex of turtle offsprings is decided by the incubation temperature. In the sea horse species, females deposit fertilized egg in the ‘uterus’ of males. It is the males that give birth.
Discrimination based on caste, race, sex, gender, religion, and disabilities is part of the conservative and patriarchal dogma. It lacks rationality and logic. Adaptive radiation is what led to speciation and survival of the variety of species that we see on earth today. It was not conservatism and patriarchy.
