Why can’t Democrats make this their primary talking point?
People love dogs. America loves dogs. Americans in red states love dogs, I’m sure of it.
But for the first time in many years, there’s no dog in the White House.
There isn’t even an animal in the White House.
President Obama had two Portuguese water dogs, Sunny and Bo.
George W. Bush had two Scottish terriers.
Bill Clinton had Buddy, a Labrador retriever. And even that great conservative icon, Ronald Reagan, had Lucky and Rex.
Why does this matter so much? Because it means our President is emotionally unable to care for an animal.
President Trump doesn’t have enough love in his heart for an animal, and yet his supporters believe he’s fit to care for our nation.
What’s his excuse, anyway?
“I don’t have any time,” Trump said at a rally in February 2019.
Huh? Come again now?
You said you don’t have any time?
Not only does your daily schedule have more empty spaces than the parking lot at your failed Atlantic City casino, but from a logical perspective it’s totally ridiculous to imply that busy people are unable to care for a pet.
If what you say is true, Mr. Trump, then Republicans should explain to all those pet-owning Americans out there who can’t make enough money to feed their families what the real problem is.
Oh, you have two jobs but you’re still going into debt? You’ve got to ditch your dog. If you want to be successful like President Trump, stop wasting time on a useless animal.
I’m joking, of course. But that’s only because the whole idea that you can’t be successful and care for a pet is just so crazy.
And besides, what about all the other presidents who had pets?
In American history, only two presidents never brought pets of any kind into the White House. Even your idol, Andrew Jackson, had a foul-mouthed parrot.
And then there’s this — at the same February 2019 rally, you also suggested that your decision to avoid dog ownership was all about your image.
“How would I look walking a dog on the White House lawn?” you said. “It feels a little phony.”
Let me get this straight. You believe that one of the most genuine things a man can do in his life — own, care for, and have a joyful relationship with a dog — is actually phony?
Your concern with “phoniness” is hilarious coming from a man who faked a bone deformity to avoid serving in Vietnam, faked a medical evaluation when he was a presidential candidate, fakes his taxes, fakes his tan, created fake magazine covers to make himself seem more successful, and played a fake billionaire on a television show that was also totally fake.
But enough with this factual information.
Herein lies madness — what the right calls Trump Derangement Syndrome and what the left calls Seeing What’s in Front of Your Damn Face.
In fact, I think there’s another reason you’re worried about what a dog would do for your image, President Trump.
I think as soon as you imagine having a dog, you also imagine needing to be patient with it. Having to return affection for it. Having to understand its needs. And these are all things you don’t know how to do. Not with a dog, and certainly not with a person.
This is the REAL image problem you’re worried about, Mr. President—not that Americans would see you with a dog, but that Americans would see you treating a dog very badly.
After all, you’ve said many times that you believe dogs are sad and scornful things — in your own words, Omarosa was “that dog” who betrayed you, Mitt Romney “choked like a dog,” Steve Bannon was “dumped like a dog,” someone from the National Review came to your office “begging for money like a dog,” and rapper Mac Miller (RIP) was an “ungrateful dog.”
Well, here’s some advice for you, President Trump.
Forget that October surprise you’ve been planning for months now.
Instead, try something a lot less nasty and a lot more loving: this October, get yourself a dog. Make a big deal out of getting a dog. Get the best dog. Get the most incredible dog. Nobody will understand how incredible the dog is going to be, but that’s perfectly fine, Mr. President.
The dog will give a boost to your terrible ratings.
The dog will be a great talking point at your freewheeling rallies as your mask-less supporters infect themselves with the coronavirus, which you recently said “affects virtually nobody” despite the fact over 200,000 Americans have died of the disease in just over six months.
The dog will keep you company while you rant and rave at the television on election night.
And after the election, when you’ve been placed under house arrest in Trump Tower awaiting federal and state prosecution for bank fraud, tax fraud, wire fraud, and mail fraud, the dog will keep you company.
In fact, the dog is probably all you’re going to have when this is over.
Because do you know why people love dogs?
Unconditional love, Mr. President.
No matter how mean, nasty, or black your heart is — no matter how many people abandon you or betray you — a dog will stay true.
And if you don’t get a dog, at least get some kind of pet.
Think of yourself as superstitious. Think of yourself as needing good luck.
Because there’s no way you could possibly know this given your hatred of history, but the only two presidents who never allowed pets into the White House were James K. Polk and Andrew Johnson, and do you know what else they had in common with you?
They were both one-term presidents.