How Am I Supposed To Explain To My Innocent, Christian Children How Hot I Find Caitlin Jenner?

By Todd Sipp, Conservative Parenthood Blogger, GOParents.weebly.com

In this day and age, there are a myriad of destructive views, people and lifestyles available to corrupt our children everywhere we look. There’s gays on television, atheists on the internet, and now a sexy trans woman on the cover of Vanity Fair. There’s simply no hope in moderating it! It’s pornography! In that I am frequently masturbating to it!

The “lamestream media” may tell you that it’s the sign of a new age, a different time where anybody can just up and be accepted for whatever agenda they are purporting, but tell me this, liberals. How am I supposed to sit down my bright-eyed, God-fearing children and explain to them that former Olympic track and field star Bruce Jenner decided to bring his inner woman to surface in a way that unquestionably arouses their father?

My little Rachel just started running the 400m dash for her middle school, and she has a poster of Bruce’s record-breaking 1976 Olympic decathlon on her wall. You expect me to go right up to her, tear that poster off the wall and explain to her that this man she once idolized is now a woman who is rocking it with the kind feminine confidence that revs my fuckin’ engine?

What about my son? He’s going through puberty, as if that wasn't already complex enough. By throwing this “Caitlyn” nonsense in our face, now I have to go to my son and tell him how Bruce Jenner is surgically altering his penis into a vagina that I would totally be first in fucking line for once her transition is complete. Do you want to tell him that, O great liberal distributors of filth? He wouldn't understand any of the words or colorful sexual euphemisms I'd have to use in that conversation.

Look, I know there’s no avoiding this type of conversation. Eventually, against all of our dearly held American morals, it’s going to have to happen. Hell, I just barely dodged it when my kids came back early from church choir rehearsal to find me watching YouTube supercuts of Laverne Cox interviews in the nude. All that I'm asking is that these people go about their business in private. And invite me.