Texting is the new sitting which is the new smoking

Not long ago, every major health researcher in the world stood up from their chairs and cried out “Eureka! Sitting is the new smoking.” Then, they alerted the world’s newspapers and magazines who published story after story which were read by a terrified American public, who was in a sick act of God, while they were sitting.

Sitting was the new health crisis.

Treadmill desks became a thing and smug astronauts became even smugger finally being validated for their “standing while sleeping” schtick. People panicked and threw chairs out, only to realize, that a family dinner feels more like a cult meeting and offering when everyone is standing in a circle around a rotisserie chicken. Overall, the panic brought up some genuine concerns, yet the world settled down and writers across the land wondered why they didn’t use “____ is the new smoking” line before.

Then, they waited, for the new new smoking.

Today, I am here to tell you that texting is the new sitting which was the new smoking but is really just the old texting.

Texting?

Yes: it’s bad for you and you don’t even know it but you probably do deep down.

It hurts your fingers, it causes car crashes. It hurts you in ways smoking could not dream of. I have never sent someone a nude picture of me on a cigarette carton. I have texted a nude picture of myself on more than one occasion. In fact, most occasions I text it is a nude picture. This means texting is both a physical, emotional and sexual health crisis. Therefore, texting is not only the new smoking, it’s the new new smoking. It’s so “new smoking” that it makes smoking look old while sitting still remains young to middle aged.

Still not convinced? Some argue that smoking has more public health dangers. What, like second hand smoke? Forget about it. Just breathe less, you’re fine. Second hand texting? The emotional trauma from having a friend or parent that ignores your question and continues texting cannot be repaired. I have friends whose parents smoked when they grew up, they’re normal humans who cough more than I do. So what. Coughing is cool. In this texting health hellhole we live in, I see children talking to their parents who aren’t listening because they’re texting and I visibly see (with my eyeballs) how the child lose a sense of self-worth and understanding of their role in the world around them. That hurts a lot more than nicotine.

Some people might suggest alternative “new sitting which was the new smoking.” For example, is laying down the new sitting which was the new smoking. Simply put, no. Lying down is bad, but only in situations like escaping a fire or being chased by wolves. Others have even claimed that e-smoking is the new smoking. E-xcuse me? You’re all a bunch of e-diots.

I want to make thing one thing clear, and I could not be clearer on this: texting is the new sitting which is the new smoking which really is the old sitting which is the old texting.

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