Exclusive Airtel Plan For Relatives Who Call On Exam Results Day
satire based on real feelings.
In another asinine move to pace up its already imminent downfall, Airtel on Sunday introduced special call and data plans dedicated exclusively to people who, every year, without fail, inquire about their relative’s kid’s exam results. This new plan allows subscribers to make calls which, if rumors are to be believed, connect in the very first attempt. Additionally, subscribers of this premium plan get to exclusively experience the actual 4G speeds which otherwise, are a mere urban legend.
“We have designed this impractical plan using the best of pointless technology and the most diabolical of intents. What makes this plan really stand out is that the receiver cannot disconnect the call until he has revealed his kid’s marks with an undertone of disappointment and shame in his voice,” claimed Shweta Sundar, the chief architect of this project’s design and development team at Airtel, with a sense of pride. Speaking with Comic Curry, she further added, “I grew up in a family where no one minded one’s own business and unwanted intrusion into someone’s personal life really brought our entire family together. With this new plan, such people get a tool to interfere, but only more seamlessly.”
“The reason we have been the number one at annoying our subscribers for all these years is because we don’t really care if they switch to other telecom operators in search of non-existent better data plans and network connectivity”, another spokesperson from Airtel was taped confessing to his 5 year old son on their annual fishing trip.
Rejoiced by this new plan, one of the relatives we talked to had almost good things to say about Airtel. “We were about to change our network provider as the CBSE 12th Board result announcement was only a week away and Airtel’s network performance was plummeting faster than the rationality and common sense in Fast and Furious movies. I personally have six different people who, every year, secretly wish on me, the most gruesome of deaths when I call them on the day of exam results. If it weren’t for Airtel, they would’ve managed to enjoy a peaceful and pleasant results day and that would’ve actually killed me”, concluded the relative as his eyes welled up with tears of gratification and joie de vivre.
Meanwhile, telecom companies like Idea and Vodafone, who are still figuring out what a network means are exuberant over Airtel’s self-destructive plan as this relieves them from even trying to pretend like they’re in the competition. “If everything works out, we’ll save millions on advertising. The extravagant amount of money that we currently spend on making off-the-wall, outlandish advertisements can then be donated to the Thirupathi temple. Govindaaaaaaa.. Govinda,” chanted the spokesperson from a rival telecom provider as his body lost all sense of time and space and swayed into a deep devotional trance.
This plan, however, has been received with rather harsh criticism from parents whose kids were never good at studies and wanted to take up Fashion Designing. “Its unfair, no! When did it become a parent’s job to bear all the unnecessary pressure meant for their kids, huh?” questioned an angry parent while completing his son’s Art and Craft homework.
But kids are the ones who have not taken well to this. “F*@# Airtel”, said Amit Singh, a student of class 12th who, in his juvenile arrogance, asked us to explicitly reveal his identity. So here we go — He is enrolled in Random Christian Religious Words Convent School and lives in Koramangala, Bangalore with his parents. He is 5' 10’’, light complexion, has cut marks on his forehead and nose and replies to the calls of ‘kakkus’, which, we eventually learned from his friends — means ‘shit' in Kannada.
“My father was anyway going to beat my ass after results but the added apprehension of getting a call from my aunt in Aurangabad, whose son has been topping all the exams since the age of five, is only going to introduce his leather belt to this entire affair and those things leave permanent marks, man”, said another student who, unlike that spoilt brat Amit,was comfortable with keeping his identity undisclosed.
Key things to know about this plan is that its valid only on the days when results are announced and the subscriber will have to preemptively mention the names and numbers of relatives that they are going to call. All their calls will be recorded and verified. As a measure, it ensures that this facility is not abused.
“This plan is not for making emergency calls to fire stations, police or hospitals. Any relative, if caught talking about life, politics or their summer trip to Manali, will be added to a watch list and all their future attempts at making calls will be greeted by a recorded voice impassively listing down every popular Telugu hello tune that Airtel has in its arsenal”, said Shweta as the whites of her eyes turned pitch black and the sky turned hellish red.
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