American Idol — Dictators Edition
Mirror Mirror on the wall, who’s the most Fascist off them all
Let’s be real. We live in a divided world. People hate each other. Like a lot. People are hating the fuck out of each other right now. Every single country has this whole “Right vs Left” debate going on. To be honest, 5 years ago I had no clue what these terms meant. My first thought on hearing the words “Left” and “Right” used to be directions. What a simple time that was!
I am also aware of the fact that I’m extremely privileged. I live in a family where I can have one political preference and my parents can have another one (the wrong one) and this doesn’t really affect any of our lives directly. That’s why my political views don’t matter much. They shouldn’t.
One thing is happening very evidently though. Nationalism is rising EVERYWHERE in the world. In a weird wave of global unity, a bunch of dictators have taken over the world. It’s insane that this is happening in 2018! Fuck, if these guys were standup comics, imagine the amount of content they would have! We would all have to quit right now. If a bunch of World leaders were put on an American Idol type show to compete for the crown of “The ultimate Dictator”, it would be impossible to predict who would win!
Contestant number 1 would be our very own, home-grown saffron superhero. His claims to the title go all the way back to 2002. It’s an impressive body of work for someone on a reality show to find the best dictator. Also, our man would not take any questions from the judges. He talks, you listen. That’s it. Then we have the other orange superstar from America. A Reality TV veteran. A man who recently chose this career path but ended up reaching the top echelons of the industry in what was the ultimate ‘f*ck you’ to the world. This dude goes around backstage grabbing people’s genitals and thinks the polar ice caps melting ALL ACROSS THE WORLD is all one big, fucking coincidence. Delusion is power. A worthy candidate to the crown. My personal favourite is the North Korean Harry Potter who’s ‘tere naam’ inspired haircut is just too fucking adorable to ignore. I love him. The dude parties with Dennis Rodman! You have my vote Mr. Kim-Jong- I don’t give a fuck.
The rest of the cast would contain worthy candidates like the Chinese guy who wants to be king forever, Mr. Philippines who thinks the streets are one very realistic game of counter strike, The Russian James Bond who’s current weapon of choice is, wait for it, Facebook and for the sake of variety, I’d even throw the Pope into the mix. He’d be a huge hit with the kids.
While these men are delusional enough to actually be the strongest men in their country, they haven’t faced off against each other. A ‘champions league’ style face off where Simon Cowell and Anu Malik would judge these worthy gentlemen. As pointless as my point is, I truly believe that this would be a great show. I would subscribe to any streaming platform willing to make this. And as a writer, constantly battling poverty and a severe lack of work, I would gladly come on board as head writer. Fuck it, I’d even do it Pro Bono.
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