Don’t be happy around adults.
Learn to Hide Happiness
This is an actual story which appeared in NDTV. This is one of those stories where the headline alone makes you chuckle. Are you ready? This is the headline — “Couple Abused, Beaten For ‘Standing Too Close’ Inside Kolkata Metro”.
I love India. I think that is a great way to start. Firstly I understand why this couple was beaten up. My best guess is that they were happy. A dude likes a girl. He is lucky that the girl likes him back. They can feel that sexual tension build between them. They were probably on a date in a metro which I agree with you is an unusual choice. But I can understand given how hard it is to hide a date from your conservative social circle when they’re on the loose to find out something that is wrong in their self-righteous eyes. But the couple was mostly happy and that provoked those angry uncles who beat them up.
India is a great place where we like to shit on people who are happy. Remember when you were growing up and you spoke to that girl you liked. Your parents found out, when they saw you happy. Annoying Uncles (uncles especially since they get violent but aunties are no exception) in India hate youngsters being happy. Since I care about you and don’t want you to get beaten up, my only advice is please don’t be happy around adults. Be as miserable as you can. No one wants to disturb a person whose spirits are broken. If you never got close to someone you love, be it in a bedroom or metro train and just went through life pushing your loneliness deep down by watching some mind numbing youtube video with your Jio 4g data pack while travelling to a job that sucks, you know what you would have been rewarded with? peace! If somehow you are still happy learn to hide your happiness. India is not a place to be happy unless you have enough privacy.
Which brings me to my next advice for not getting beaten up while on a date -choosing a good place to get close to your love interest [to use an uncle term]. I don’t like how all these self-righteous people look at awkward PDA and say “get a room”. Try doing that when there are 20,000 people in the city who know you and are waiting for you to screw up so that they can tarnish your family and your pet hamster so that you never step out of the house even when you crave eating chat made by someone unhygienic. You can’t get a room that easily so since i’m helpful i’d like to give a few suggestions where you can get intimate with the person whom you are friendly with [uncle term #2]. If you live in Kolkatta a good date suggestion for a one day date would have to be Kanyakumari. Hardly 2371 kilometres but guaranteed privacy. If you still say “no but I like train dates” and still want to take a train with your lover, make sure that train is going to Pluto. But if you still want to have a train date in your city then please maintain one arm distance with your love and chat via whatsapp incessantly like every meaningful over-invasive relationship.
I’m basing all this advice on the presumption that this couple who were ‘too close’ were happy. But to do justice to this story fully I have to consider the minor possibility of what if the couple were having a fight and ended up getting beaten. They hated how they were so dependent on each other and couldn’t lead their life normally but somehow still didn’t want to break up with each other and at this exact point of contemplation someone beat them up. In that case, in a weird twisted way that would have been a good sign to end this toxic dependency [oh my god! The uncle in me!].
So i’d conclude by saying if you don’t want to get beaten, don’t be happy. But if you are unhappy and still get beaten then you should take it as a sign that life sucks and then you die. For the next blog i’d like to counter such pessimism with my endorsement of obvious self help literature.
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