Become A Successful Comedian In 10 Days
Thank Me Later
Day 1
Do you have a Netflix account? No? Great. Don’t buy one. Save money, mooch on your friend’s privilege. Ask for his Netflix password. Start watching every episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. Keep telling yourself that its helpful for stand up. Just do it.
Day 2
You suspect that you have wasted the first day of your stand up journey as you still don’t have jokes.Fear not. Everything is going as per the plan. Open up Netflix again. We’re going to watch some stand up specials. But whose? Easy. Google top 10 best stand up comedians ever. The only familiar name on the list — Robin Williams. You have already enjoyed his performance in Mrs. DoubtFire. Start streaming his special. Five minutes in and you realize that he acts too much on stage and you, on the other hand, are definitely not an actor. Problem? Think not. Lets learn acting first. Start streaming movies of Robin Williams. Oh Captain, my captain!!
Day 3
You have binge-watched every possible Robin Williams movie last night and have eventually decided to be a more written-word comic than an improviser. Lets write jokes then. Remember, this is going to be your job soon. Be professional. Get the best quality diary and an expensive pen. Even better if you can get the pen customized to have your initials printed on it. Sit on a chair. Back straight. Ensure you have ample light in the room. Keep your phone on airplane mode. Oh wait. You need content. What’s the one stop shop to the best content out there — Facebook. Open Facebook. Scroll through for content. Make sure you scoff at comics posting their first thoughts on their Facebook wall. Noobs. Keep scrolling till you land up on a post by your old crush on how her fiance is the best thing that has ever happened to her. Well, you can’t write NOW. Cry yourself to sleep.
Day 4
Its a new day. You head feels lighter. Like a heavy weight has been lifted off your shoulders. There’s nothing that can stop you now. You’re going to work hard on your writing, stage and online presence. You won’t ever get distracted by the menial seductions of a relationship, high paying job or a social life. Things will soon start working your way when other comics will take notice of your jokes and the word will spread. A big comic will call you up and ask you to open for him. Soon, you will put up a five minutes long clip of your material on Youtube which will go viral overnight and you’ll start getting calls from OML for representation. Next thing you know, you’re shooting your own Amazon Prime special in front of a crowd of three thousand. Yes. All these thoughts make you super happy and you decide to work on making them happen from the next day.
Day 5
Its the first day of the rest of your life. You are done with watching, listening, drinking, crying and day dreaming. All that’s left to do is writing. Remember the diary and the customized pen from Day 2. Time to put them to use. Take a good hard look at that diary. One day its going to be a collector’s item. That pen. People are going to auction it to collect money for welfare of Indian farmers. Lets write jokes with them. What are the things that you find funny. Use cuss words if you’re stuck. Adds to the relatability. Think of all the jokes that you’ve read on Facebook and 9Gag. Model your jokes around them. Remember — Its not about where you take things from. Its where you take them to.
Day 6
You have written enough jokes in one night to shame a seasoned comedian. People who find comedy tough are a victim of their own incompetence. Next step is to try your jokes out on stage. Find out the nearest open mic, try to register and fail miserably. While comedy experts would argue that comedy is about good writing, take my word for it - finding stage time is where the craft lies. Crib about your first failure in comedy with your friends over drinks.
Day 7
Today we will work on socializing with comics. Find out a bar where a lot of comics hang out. Show up. Try out all your premises on them. Even if they look like they are annoyed and want you to stop, DON’T. Deep down, they want to know who they are soon going to compete against. Remember the rule of 23 in comedy. For every 23 comics, there is one good person. That good person will see the promise in your premises and offer you a 5 minute spot. Always remember the name of the comic who gave you your first spot. You’ll need it for the Acknowledgement section of your first comedy bestseller.
Day 8
Today is the day stage meets an exceptional talent. You. Make sure you remember this day because you’ll be asked to recount it on several talk shows. We also have a separate course on ‘HOW TO COME UP WITH FUNNY ANECDOTES AND PASS THEM OFF AS REAL LIFE INCIDENTS’. But lets talk about that later. Tonight you’re going to show them how its done. Once on stage, first thing to do is to make fun of the people sitting in front. Don’t worry about offending them. People enjoy getting insulted by comedians. Because they understand. Once you are done with them, start off with your jokes. If they work, great. If they don’t — its not your fault. Sometimes the audience is tired because of all the bad comics who went up before you. But mostly, its the host’s fault.
Day 9
Now that you have done your first open mic — congratulations on your first 5 minutes of super tight material. Your Netflix special is only 9 open mics away. Approach a seasoned comic and ask for a spot in the most premiere curated show in the city because you deserve it. If you get one. Go nuts. If you don’t — don’t lose heart. There will always be people in power trying to suppress your talent. Fuck them. Start your own room. Approach a small restaurant, bar or cafe. Talk the owner up with promises of houseful shows and great comedy. Put up other new comics on the line up, who, like you have been discriminated against by the diabolical senior comedians’ syndicate. Make it a paid show. Why delay the inevitable? You know you’re good.
Day 10
Its your first paid show. People have showed up thanks to the marketing tactics we had covered in ‘HOW TO SELL A BANANA AS A DILDO’. If you haven’t read it, please do. Its on every new comedy producer’s reading list. Since you own the room, you’re automatically the host. Duh. And why not. Hosting is something humans are naturally inclined toward. Points to remember — your jokes are funny. If audience isn’t laughing, they don’t understand smart jokes. Let them know that. Tell them that they need to watch more comedy before buying tickets to a show of such acclaim. They’ll appreciate your guidance. Look out for the slight chuckle from the guy in the back who was staring at his phone the whole time because it clearly means that you are “destroying” (read — having the best show of your life). Make sure you tell every comic you run into about the earth shattering applause you received for your hosting. Feel free to comment on the comedy potential of other comics on the line up. Talking about other comics and their mediocrity builds great relationships that last a life time.
Congratulations. You are now a stand up comedian.
Thank me later.
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