Only In Their Dreams Can Men Truly Pee
’Twas always thus, and always thus will be
Not being a sexist but only men can truly relate to this vanilla piece of writing. Therefore, to the exactly two women who against good advice, read my blog — treat this like an episode of Wild Discovery.
A lot of guys who deliver food to my house often say, “Give me ratings, saar.” But a few of them go a step further adding, “And since you love partaking in activities that are an absolute waste of time, why don’t you write about different types of urinal guys out there? That would really help you with the whole being unproductive thing.”
To which I smile humbly and say, “Leave the premises or I call the cops.”
But you must wonder — what’s a urinal guy?
I am glad you asked.
Based on a man’s demeanor in washroom during the whole micturition (look it up) process, he is classified under one of the below mentioned urinal guy categories. Please be advised that this listicle has been very carefully fabricated out of the figment of my vibrant imagination, keeping in mind, men of all faiths and religions. Also, no animals were even considered, leave alone harmed, during the course of this study.
So without further ado, here comes
THE URINAL GUYS
*drum rolls*
The Stock Broker — The Stock Broker is a guy who has absolutely no faith in the concept of patience. He is always in a rush. He pees all over his urinal, sometimes venturing past his urinal airspace onto the adjacent guy’s shoes. This guy never lives in the moment and is always worried about a metaphorical deadline that’s gradually receding towards old age and inevitably, death. Be wary of The Stock Broker. He never washes his hands.
The Matador *spanish accoustic guitar plays… something spanish* — If you are The Matador, you have a gift. Matadors treat every washroom visit as an opportunity to amass accolades and increase fan base. Their entry never gives away their real agenda. Is he going to shit, is he going to pee, is it just a casual visit? YOU.CAN.NEVER.TELL. But what you can do is to bask in the supreme glory of his charisma. There is a rhythm in his moves. His peeing is like Beethoven’s symphony — with incredible highs and soul stirring lows. Every urinating expedition turns into a cosmetic self-redecoration extravaganza. These are the kind of people you need in your life.
The Intern — The intern is shitting bricks even when his only motive was to tinkle. He gets super nervous, super quick. He is the guy whom you spot making love to the urinal when you enter the washroom and continuing at it as you leave. You never hear from his side the plush sound of urine rushing through the urinal because there isn’t any. To hide his failure, he tries to act cooler than the advised amount. The Interns are not really harmful and are diligent enough to wash their hands for no reason at all.
The Moochers — This guy does not mean business. Life is just one convenient event after another for him. His feet spread past the limits of his urinal barricades delving nonchalantly into the unknown territories of adjacent urinals. These are the guys who get peed on their shoes quite often by The Stock Brokers. Moochers like to peep around and react quite visually to what they see. For them, chivalry died during the Spanish Inquisition. You’ll often spot one of them trying to wash their hands by walking over the dead body of the guy who really deserved the hand wash.
*And Last But Not The Least*
*Drum Rolls*
The Musician — If creation in the most absurd places had an award, The Musician would’ve run out of acceptance speeches because they can CREATE. Whistling, fingers tapping on the supporting wall, humming the most obnoxious Bollywood tune that you can’t not avoid — The Musician is the preliminary step towards becoming the Matador. Some of them go as far as to contribute a fart to the powerful play that goes on. O Me! O Life! *Walt Whitman five*.
This brings us to the end of our listicle and lets not forget to take a moment to appreciate the hard work of those unsung heroes whose years of painstaking research has brought us to a point where any pretentious douche bag with free time and a thesaurus can write anything on the internet for the whole world to miserably avoid.
