Just Smile

So one thing that is rather personal for me lately, and this is stream of thought today, bear with me, is meeting people. I like people. I like to observe how they interact with others, their facial expressions, the way they laugh or cry…human behavior is just plain fascinating to me. So I look on my handy dandy Facebook and see what is going on in my town, and go out to observe.

Now I’ve connected digitally with some rather awesome people. The kind of people you sit and say “Yea, your cool”. So you think I would be excited about going out to places I know these cool people will be going to…wrong.

There are I am sure, one hundred different ways to diagnose anyone with anything, but I feel like a creeper. I go out to these events, truly enjoy myself, but have this debilitating, choked up anxiety about approaching people…I’m working on it. I think it’s this way because for three years I was pretty isolated in NY (upstate), and worked, came home, wrote, read, yoga, sleep…that’s about it. So I let myself sink into this isolated sense of being, with no way to know how to get out of it.

I have this sensation of energy simmering just under my skin, burning my mind and itching my skin to move. Get out. Talk. Experience. But this invisible gag keeps me from speaking, laughing, joining in. I’m a shadow on the outside of a world I desperately want to be a part of.

So there’s today’s stream of thought writing…don’t get used to it, it makes me feel weak.