Why we should care about loneliness
Isolation is one of the greatest social problems of our age, but there are plenty of things we can do to help the lonely and make our communities more connected
IN March 2018, I moved from London to Brighton after splitting up with my partner. I wanted to go somewhere I could start from scratch. I chose Brighton for several reasons: it is walkable, people don’t seem to mind how you look or behave, and it has the sea, which can be seen or heard or felt in every corner of the city. The sea reminds us that it isn’t necessary to belong to a group, that thing we all crave, for we already belong to nature.
As it happened, my first project after arriving in Brighton was on the topic of loneliness and the role that councils and local organisations play in alleviating it. I had never worked with a council before, and I discovered that councils have a unique power to pull strings and connect different local organisations and unite them towards a common goal. I’d like to share some of the things I learnt about loneliness through this project.
Those aged between 15 and 24 are as likely to report being lonely as the elderly.
Loneliness often hits us at times of transition: bereavement, divorce, losing your job, moving into a care home. It has a huge impact on people’s health, and consequently on the economy, which is one reason why in 2018 the UK government appointed a minister for loneliness, Jo Cox (the post is currently held by Mims Davies). It also launched a cross-government loneliness strategy, which among other things will allow GPs to prescribe social activities for patients who report feeling lonely.
People don’t like having to acknowledge that they are feeling lonely.
When we interviewed people for the project, we explicitly avoided asking them whether they felt lonely so as to avoid making them feel uncomfortable. I did this project with my colleague Ajo Clua, and it was called ‘Thriving Connections’, which of course makes sense, because the ultimate goal is to connect. Since some people feel ashamed when acknowledging loneliness, the programmes that work best are those that are not obviously about making friends: communal gardening, allotment parties, nature walks, and so on.
Children’s loneliness is about parents’ loneliness.
Part of our project focus was on children, and we learned that if you want to address children’s loneliness and social skills you have to address their parents’ abilities to build social networks. Parents who are socially isolated and lonely will transmit those feelings to their children. We also learnt that acquiring an interest or passion when young can help sustain you and give you a sense of purpose and make you more resilient after you retire.
Having a caring neighbour within walking distance is very valuable.
Knowing that you can knock on someone’s door for a cup of tea or to get help gives a sense of security. Unfortunately, a survey carried out in 2017 found that 60% of people do not know their neighbours well or at all. This could be due to the frequency with which people move, the lack of communal spaces, the time taken up caring for one’s own family, or— this being the UK — the feeling that knocking on your neighbour’s door is simply inappropriate.
Communities should be encouraged to make the most of public spaces.
The community leaders we spoke to said the most beneficial activities are those where everyone joins in a common purpose: coming together to reshape public gardens or pick up plastic from the beach. It is important for communities to have places where neighbours will cross paths — where walking your dog might trigger a conversation that could eventually lead to a friendship.
Knowing what we do about loneliness, how should we go about reducing it in the UK? I believe there are two solutions, one long-term and one that we can start working on today.
The long-term solution is urban design. We need more shared spaces where there is a possibility that people will do things together, or work together towards a common aim.
During the council project, many of the stories of how neighbours got to know each other were about accidental coincidences: “we had to fix something on the street”, “we came together for Neighbourhood Watch”, “a tree from our patio was touching their garden”. Those situations made it OK to initiate conversation, and it’s through working together that relationships develop.
But without neutral shared spaces where neighbours can meet, those relationships won’t easily develop. It’s important to have places in the community where people can prepare and share meals, garden together, share tips about DIY, and so on.
The second solution is for us to slow down and pay more attention to other people’s loneliness — to notice, for example, when your neighbour doesn’t leave the house in a week. For me, this starts with empathy, with yourself and with others. If we can recognise our own loneliness, we’ll find it easier to see the loneliness in others.
Remember, we shouldn’t only think about those living alone: I used to feel lonely living with my previous partner, when we couldn’t understand each other. Paying more attention to how others are feeling would lead to more nurturing communities and so begin a great transformation in our society.
There are already some great initiatives out there, such as the Campaign to End Loneliness. Here at Common, we’re hoping to launch our own loneliness project, building on some of the things I’ve outlined here. If you’d like to be involved, please get in touch by emailing me at iria.lopez@collective-common.org.
