An Idiot’s Guide To Mental Illness

Some humans have personalities that do not work properly. No-one knows why some humans have faulty personalities; some people think that it is because of chemicals in the brain and some people think it is because they are just selfish or genetics.

Humans who have personalities that do not work properly are diseased. This disease is called ‘mentally illest’.

It is important to treat this type of diseased human as they can be disruptive to those around them and they often say and do things that other humans do not understand and this makes them scared and inconvenienced.

Humans often say that it is important to talk about mentally illestness so they can better help those in need and reduce stigma caused by ignorance about mental things, but they only say this to appear kind and compassionate in an attempt to improve their own social standing amongst other non-mentalists.

Pretending to care about other people is called ‘empathy’.

In reality, if a mentally illestic were to speak candidly about their condition, regular humans would become bored and uncomfortable. The mentally illyest will be told to pull him or herself together and stop whining. If the mentally illest then fails to further conceal their faulty personality, everyone they know will stop loving them.

The period of time a mentallic person can successfully hide their condition before complete collapse is called ‘remission’.

This is where the psychotricarist come in. A psychotricarist is a type of human that tries to fix people who have personalities that do not work properly. They can be thought of as a kind of mind prostitute. The idea is that the mentally illyestic can speak frankly and confidentially about why their personality is broken without fear of judgment or recrimination. The psychotricarist takes one for the team and mainstream society can avoid engaging with mentally illestness, which is better for everyone in the end.

Speaking privately in a closed space is called ‘openness’.

A mentally illest is much harder to diagnose than a normal disease like being run over by a bus because the symptoms vary and are not always obvious.

Questionnaires are a vital part of a psychotricaristic diagnosis. No two humans are the same and the spectrum of the human condition is infinite and difficult to define. To treat a mentally illest on an individual basis would be impractical and annoying, so psychotricarists use questionnaires to score a patients personality and assign them the most convenient mentally illestness. Fortunately, there are many mentally illestnesses and new ones are being invented all the time, so it is easy for the psychotricarist to choose one. This saves a lot of time and effort and sometimes it even works.

Human police use a variation of this technique, but they call it ‘profiling’.

Once diagnosed, the psychotricarist gives the mentally illest drugs such as citalopram, paroxetine, sertraline, lorazepam, fluvoxamine, fluoxetine, lithium, amitriptyline, zimelidine, pentylenetetrazol, chlorpromazine, haloperidol, risperidone, chlordiazepoxide, methylphenidate and clozapine.

These drugs kill the patient’s soul, but leave their body unharmed. This means that they can continue to go to work so they can make money to buy things and contribute to the economy without complaining about it and ruining it for everyone else.

Thus, the patient is not cured, rather neutralised. A patient who has been neuterised is called a ‘functioning member of society’.

Despite existing by chance amidst the chaos of a random universe, the human harbors an innate abhorrence toward irregularity. Culture seeks order where there is none. And if the human is to achieve the perfect, homogeneous society it so desires, mentally illestics must be assimilated and rehabilitated to ensure uniformity and a happy future for all humankind.