How to be Single and Suck at it: Tinder Dates

6:50pm: I arrive at the chosen coffee shop but date is nowhere to be seen.
6:51pm: A man stands up flailing his arms at me.
6:52pm: Realisation strikes. This guy looks nothing like his photos.
6:53pm: We exchange greetings he asks me what I want to drink. “Americano with soya milk please.”
6:54pm: He insults my coffee choice then proclaims “I bet you drink that shitty herbal shit too.”
6:55pm: I let out a chuckle restraining the urge to stab myself repeatedly with the plastic forks by the counter.
7:00pm: We engage in conversation about our day and weekend.
7:10pm: He’s said “cunt” casually in conversation at least ten times. Call me a romantic but…
7:15pm: We find common ground in our love of architecture.
7:25pm: “Hey maybe this guys alright” I think to myself.
7:30pm: He asks me what the V&A is.
7:35pm: I begin reassessing the situation.
7:40pm: He announces he has a wolf bed spread.
7:41pm: My vagina crawls up inside my body.
7:45pm: He then tells me he has a pet snake and describes its girth with his “come to bed” eyes.
7:50pm: I start to think I’m in an episode of criminal minds.
8:00pm: He asks when my next train is.
8:01pm: To which I reply, “now.”
8:15pm: We exchange goodbyes, I exit the premises.
8:30pm: On the train home. I vouch never to use Tinder again.
10:45pm: I swipe right on a guy called Matthew…something tells me it’s going to be different this time.

