Lost Validation

Ayzia Vizcocho
Aug 23, 2017 · 4 min read

There was an incident that happened earlier this month that made me insecure about my life. Maybe not so much the whole of my life, but a part of it. It just so happened that this incident wouldn’t leave my thoughts alone until it flowed into the rest of my life and started to affect my daily routine. It ended up getting worst a couple days later due to a miscommunication? I don’t know what to call it, but it hurt like hell.

Suddenly, I needed constant reassurance because I couldn’t trust the person that I was slowly learning and starting to trust. I started to act different around them and wasn’t acting like the person that I molded myself into — the person that I was comfortable with and grew to be. I was regressing into the person I was before. Dependent and insecure. It’s hard to realize that you are these things, but once you realize it — it’s easier to grow from it.

This past year has been the year that I experienced so much growth in my life. As a person, I started to slowly gain confidence in myself — it’s still something that I am working on, but it’s so much better than it was before. I also learned to love myself and slowly let go of the insecurities that were holding me back. So, why was it that this one incident sent me toppling back into my old ways? Well, I finally found the answer to the question that’s been eating me alive these past couple of weeks.

Validation.

For a second, I was surround by people who were constantly helping me grow and helping me be a better person. They gave the validation and I gave it back. I didn’t seem like I was validating them or receiving it because it was so natural and it was the good kind of validation. There is a point where a person can tell you that they appreciate you in the little things that they do — checking up on you, visiting, sending you silly snapchats. All of these I thrived after and I got used to it. I didn’t realize what it’s like to not have people constantly occupying your time.

Then, I started concentrating my time around a single person and I realized that this person can’t give me the constant attention and validation that I once had. This made me angry, sad and constantly insecure because I went from having relationships filled with so much pointless conversations and clutter to conversations that are almost void. Though, it wasn’t always like this. It was like this after the incident. The incident that I push behind me because it’s not worth the energy to think about.

The void isn’t a bad thing. The bad thing was I got used to all the relationships that was filled with clutter and pointless conversations. These relationships tend to mask the problems you’re actually having with one another with replacing it with meaningless chatter. This is something this relationship is not — it’s a very straightforward relationship with not much in between. How are you? How was your day? Let’s meet up. It’s basic, but it doesn’t feel wrong. It feels better than the countless meaningless talks that I had before.

As I think about my past, I think about the validation that I had before. It was a good validation from my friends, but maybe not so much from my relationships. My relationships brought on a dependent validation. The “I need you because you make me this way” type of validation. Which is something many relationships tend to go through and why staying friends after you break-up is an urban myth. VICE wrote an article about this and it makes sense — we all have dark personality traits and some just bring it out with this type of situation.

These thoughts have been running through my head the past couple of weeks. They annoyed me, bothered me, and overall consumed my thoughts because I couldn’t have what I wanted. Horrible, right?

Taking a step back, there is the realization of knowing that were not going to have everything that we want. What I have in my head isn’t going to be a reality because you can’t change people to think the way that you do. You can be open and tell them how you feel, but that’s the only way to actually hope for change. So, validation can be a good thing but it can also be a horrible thing. Finding the right validation can go a long way for a person, but it’s only a temporary thing. Finding real relationships in people — romantically or platonically — is so much better than any type of validation.

So let’s make a pact. Let’s forget validation. Let’s remember that you can’t find the world in a single person. A single person will just let you down if you concentrate all your energy on them. Don’t get caught up. Live your life — not a life that’s centered around them. The sooner you learn that — the happier of a life you’ll start to live.

Ayzia King

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Ayzia Vizcocho

Written by

Constantly sleepy, but constantly trying.

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