Arian Foster keeps the NFL offseason interesting

Arian Foster could not kill a wolf. How does he fare against North America’s other fearsome creatures?

March is virtually the worst month for NFL news. The scouting combine is over — which is barely news to begin with — and the draft is still roughly a month off. If you really need a fix, you are left with endlessly variable mock draft columns, ho-hum free agency upgrades, or mulling the league’s bigger issues like Oakland losing their team.

This is all important stuff to be sure, but it’s not exactly in the same realm as a fourth quarter comeback.

Fortunately, the football Gods felt we had stomached enough drabness this winter and leaned down from the pigskin-embossed heavenly realm and whispered into Arian Foster’s ear: “Arian, say something crazy.”

He did not disappoint.

A month ago on Twitter, Foster claimed he could defeat a wolf in hand-to-hand combat. As evidence, he offered his sizable weight advantage and the virtue of having opposable thumbs. Now, while I won’t hate on thumbs — they help me run roughshod over my dog in beer can-opening contests — thumbs would probably be little help once they’ve been torn off Arian’s hands by one of North America’s apex predators.

Wolves, after all, are pretty hellacious creatures, as pointed out by the International Wolf Center (yes, that’s a thing) shortly after Foster’s brazen statements. At full sprint a wolf would break the speed limit in most residential areas, and its bite contains 400 pounds per square inch of force — roughly two-thirds the strength of a white shark. Even lone wolves have been observed taking down fully grown moose that can weigh more than half a ton. The wolf was so feared in Britain during the Middle Ages that various kings put bounties on them that drove them to extinction on the island.

So, no, Arian Foster could not take down a wolf by himself. But in Arian’s enterprising spirit, it’s probably important for us to consider with what other North American mammals the former Houston Texans and Miami Dolphins running back could square up with. Probably. It’s at least as important as anything else going on before the draft.

The Contender: Arian Foster

Height: 6 foot, 1 inch

Weight: 230 lbs.

Habitat: His couch (formerly NFL backfields)

The Challenger: Brown Bear

Height: 4 ½ to 9 feet

Weight: 330 to 475 lbs.

Habitat: Forests, wooded areas

You may scoff at our protagonist’s ability to take on a veritable killing machine that is nearly twice his size. But the key here lies in Foster’s sneakiness and speed — the same deceiving speed that propelled Foster to a league-leading 1616 yards in 2010. And bears, despite their ferocity, generally don’t want to mess with humans. They want to forage for berries, take care of their cubs, and try to swat salmon out of a stream every time a nature videographer shows up.

If Foster could quickly sneak up on a bear and get at the bear’s eyes he could draw first blood and hamper the bear’s ability to attack. The issue for Arian, however, is how to take down the bear; the key to this endeavor, after all, is not simply blinding the bear but vanquishing it in mortal combat. One would assume a recently blinded bear would also be a supremely pissed off bear, likely thwarting any of Foster’s follow-up attacks. Despite Foster’s early jab, the results would likely not be pretty.

Verdict: Arian’s certain death, and one posthumous lawsuit from the humorless bear apologists at PETA.

The Challenger: Badger

Height: 2 to 3 feet (nose to tail)

Weight: 20 to 25 lbs.

Habitat: Grasslands, fields

Badgers, like bears, generally avoid human contact. But should a 230-lb former running back make a run at a cornered badger, make no mistake that said badger would fight like hell. Human-badger encounters are exceedingly rare, but in 2003 in Evesham one badger gave absolutely zero fucks as it ran amok, injuring four in two days and sending a 67-year old retiree to hospital for skin grafts.

Now Arian is no retired Englishman. But he is arrogant when it comes to his prowess over the animal kingdom. Arian is still the favorite against a badger, but like many a Greek hero before him hubris could be his downfall. Should Arian casually stroll into Badger Arena (I’m assuming badgers don’t yet have a corporate sponsor) he may have to absorb some debilitating shots early. If Arian doesn’t smarten up quickly and protect the neck and face, he could end up as badger lunch.

Verdict: Foster wins, but it’s closer than the experts (and Arian) think.

The Challenger: Cougar

Height: 5 to 9 feet (nose to tail)

Weight: 120 to 220 lbs.

Habitat: Mountains, plains, forests, the shadows inside your nightmares

Cougars are not to be taken lightly. Americans almost forget cougars even exist until one begins devouring livestock in Montana at a prodigious rate or ambushing joggers in the Sierra Nevada. They are what biologists call ‘generalist predators’ meaning they will catch, kill, and eat whatever they damn well please. This, to my knowledge, includes recently retired running backs.

But unfortunately, the physical contest is likely an unnecessary aside. Cougars are stealthy creatures; its absolute favorite way to hunt is to hang around in the bush until something passes by, at which point it jumps on its prey’s back and bites it in the neck. Horrifying.

So, try as he might I doubt Foster would even get a cougar to square up for a fight. Foster could name a time and a place, and the cougar wouldn’t show up. Once Foster eventually gave up, he’d fire off a few tweets about how cowardly cougars were and head to the car park…where the cougar would be…waiting.

Verdict: A horrifying, painful death Arian never sees coming.