Talking about thinking about suicide

Suicidal ideation is dangerous ground. If you are concerned about yourself or someone else, you must talk — to anyone.

I forgot. I forgot for a minute that it was my daughter’s birthday. I was trying to consider if this was a good day to kill myself. If I did go out to the shed, get the blue, polypropylene slit-film rope and hang myself from a rafter. I wondered would the rafter hold? I wondered if I could get the noose accurate enough? Could I do it right? These are the practicalities.

And that’s the issue. The days when it’s a panicked thought, I can rationalise. When an argument can bring it on. It steps out of the shadows and offers its services. Or when stress, normal every-day stress, can make it seem like a rational way to nullify the negative feelings. Because it can be a security blanket. A comfort.

Obviously, it’s anything but. But when it’s a viable option, when it strikes you as a considered reaction. When I look back, those are the days that concern me the most. And they should concern you.

When you hear someone has died, you hear what you have heard before; they had so much to live for, they had children, were content, were in love.

But the point is being missed. That’s surface living. That’s perception. In a way, it’s not real. Which isn’t to criticize anyone for making their summations. We can’t read each other’s minds. But only we know how each of us really feel. No one can accurately surmise your feelings on anything. No one can paint a picture in their mind, the way it is painted in theirs.

It’s not about forgiving yourself because you didn’t mean it. I meant it because I considered it. I’m not haunted by it. Because it’s a way of life. It’s suicidal thinking. A way of thinking, a way of being. It’s another hideous consequence of depression.

But this isn’t a piece of writing where my depression is the point. Or even my suicidal ideation. There is far more insightful and informative stuff to read than my story. That’s not introspection. That’s reality. But there is one thing that is still a little taboo. It’s not suicide. As a society, we have never been so informed. But it’s suicidal thinking. What’s not quite transparent is how we, as people, as a society, think about suicide.

I don’t mean the interpretations, the judgements made. That’s straight forward. And when people say, “we need to talk about suicide” in general terms, it’s about the root causes, the treatments, most importantly the efforts to tackle it. But that’s not the point here.

It’s to try and explain suicidal ideation.

I read a lovely piece the other day about someone who lost a friend through suicide. He spoke about his friend’s mood dropping but also of how normal he was on the day of his death. How he had planned things. Had planned to meet three friends for a game of tennis. But he never turned up.

He never turned up because despite being four weeks away from his honeymoon having recently married, despite having a good job in a law firm, despite having had something to eat and a cup of tea, despite all this, he was dead.

Because suicide lives with people. The thought process of suicide can become a part of your everyday thought process. It becomes a way of how you live your life. It’s as much a part of your day as that moment when you realise you’re working day is finished, or when you wake up to see your child’s face, or the smell you get from the canteen in work. All the mundane, trivial things that you think about daily. Suicidal thinking can live in there. In the long grass, maybe. But it’s there.

I’ve no medical knowledge. Only a little bit of insight. Even then, not a huge amount. I see the lucky people who have had suicidal periods in their life and have come out the other side and not looked back. Have neither the need or the inkling to do so. But there are those who live with this on a long-term basis. Some see it as a sincere comfort, the knowledge that they can end their life.

But it isn’t a comfort at all, that’s bullshit. What it is, is a control mechanism. When your feelings are not yours to control, when they are not warm emotions that swim in your consciousness. When they are fear, failures, betrayals, hurt, shyness, pain, empathy, sympathy, contempt, anger, lost joy. When they are any of these and a thousand more. What suicidal ideation is — is control.

It is a way to control your feelings. Sometimes the only way.

So what can we do? I wish I had the answer. But you cannot control someone’s self-worth. Their self-esteem. The chemicals in their mind that might be out of kilter. The events in life that may have undermined their innocence. The failed marriages. The loved ones lost. The failed businesses. The failed dreams. But we can always educate ourselves more.

The problem with suicidal ideation is — and sorry to make so obvious a point — that it can lead to suicide. And again, to point out the obvious, once someone has died, that’s it.

Victims of suicide are the unlucky ones. If you think chance has nothing to do with it. Or luck. Then you’re mistaken.

Suicidal ideation is dangerous ground. If you are concerned about yourself. If you are concerned about someone else. You must talk — to anyone.

Pieta House: 1800 247 247
Samaritans: 116123 [ROI & UK] or e-mail jo@samaritans.org