Label Schmabel
We hear all the time that labels aren’t important, names aren’t important.
I get that.
We don’t need to define ourselves with those labels or act a certain way because of those labels.
But sometimes those labels give things form. They help us to look at it in multiple dimensions. Like when the concept of a circle becomes a visual circle when you draw it on a piece of paper. Then once you have that concept, you can make that circle into a sphere. The concept is hard to understand until you draw it out. Then when you give it that third dimension, you’re able to look at it from different angles and see it. really see it, observe it, study it.
When I learned at 38 that I had ADHD, that’s what I was able to do.
I had lived my whole life thinking, really thinking. Truly. That who I “am” is a collection of adjectives that other people had observed and communicated to me. I really thought that my entire self was a conglomerate of other people’s opinions. I saw myself as a collection of what other people had told me I was.
And the longer you tell yourself you are these things and identify as the embodiment of these things, the more they seem like your ideas… because they become familiar, and you get used to thinking them. It’s like when you and your best friend share the same memory of a favorite day at the beach from when you were kids, and neither of you can remember whose memories are whose. You’ve told the stories together and laughed together so many times that the memory exists as truth in both of your minds. Did she say the punchline during that fun dinner, or did I? It certainly doesn’t matter, because it’s all fun and it brings you joy… but we all do this, and the realization that I had done this for so long with my own identity was terrifying.
To realize that you have no idea who you are is scary. And during this realization time, I grieved the loss of that person for a little while. But when I came out of the grief, it felt like opportunity. There was lingering annoyance that I was already middle aged, lol, and wow how great would it be to have discovered this ADHD nonsense 20 years ago… Wow wouldn’t I be leagues ahead of where I am, I’d have so much money and be so comfortable and… no. don’t go there. You have no idea where you’d be. Back to reality.
You don’t need to change. Soooooo the first thing to crack open was the idea that my brain doesn’t need to change. I simply need to work with the flow of my brain, not against it. How liberating! And validating! I’m forgetful! Now I know why!
But it’s not an excuse. It’s easy to fall into the pattern of making excuses, like “oh, I’m just forgetful, can’t blame me! You asked me to do something really important and I forgot, well I can’t be held accountable because it’s the structure of my brain. I simply can’t remember things sometimes.
That’s not it.
The label is like a game that you always have access to. My ADHD is like a puzzle. It’s made just for me to figure out and to play with. ADHD people share similar experiences, but everyone’s brain still works differently. So, to know that there is a pattern of brain activity that you can observe, you can deliberately think of ways to help yourself. This is true of everyone too, really.
As for the forgetfulness specifically though, remembering things is sometimes REALLY important to your relationships, your job, your financial matters…. We need to be able to remember things. Being forgetful is okay, but it can complicate a lot of things. And that was one of the first big breakthroughs for me. It’s okay. But it’s also my responsibility to communicate truth when I’ve forgotten something, and it’s also my responsibility to find ways to remind myself of the forgotten thing so it doesn’t get forgotten next time. Or rather, so that it gets remembered in time to take action on it. Alarms, lists, notes, ROUTINE (ugh, routine… can’t live with them, can’t live without them… amiright? Holy smokes).
You can admit you’ve forgotten something. It’s safe to do so. Disclaimer: I don’t know whether your situation is truly safe. I’m speaking generally. If you feel unsafe, please seek professional attention. In my life, I needed a therapist to help me realize I was safe. Admitting that my thought patterns often lead to forgetfulness is not me spilling high-risk information. I would never have come to this without someone labeling me as living with ADHD. My primary relationship might have dissolved if I wasn’t gifted this label.
Go on a meet-and-greet… with yourself. I am absolutely sure that literally everyone owes it to themselves to meet themselves. Whatever age you are, it’s not too late. Many people will find that they don’t know themselves as well as they think they do. Familiarity with your body and thought patterns and emotional responses does not equal knowing yourself. We hear all the time that you have to love yourself before you can truly love anyone else. Those words have no meaning until you take a hard look at yourself and realize NOT that you do or don’t love yourself. But that you have no idea who you are. I don’t mean your likes (pizza, the color green, kittens) and dislikes (bad smells, onions, spiders). I mean we have no idea who we are as a person. When we have an emotion, we tend to feel it and express it and speak it as truth.
You hurt my feelings. Did you know that if someone says something to you that hurts your feelings, they are not actually responsible for those feelings? No? I didn’t either. They said a thing, and those words and their tone… they’re responsible for those things. But how you react to it? How it makes you feel? That’s on you, Babe. You’re not a victim. If that sounds bonkers to you, then you may not know yourself as well as you think you do.
Loving yourself starts here. You can protect yourself, which sometimes gets mistaken for love. Self-preservation is a survival tactic. It’s a shield. But it’s not really based in knowledge or understanding. You might not like what you see when you investigate yourself and your reasons for doing things. But the deeper you go, the more compassion you might also find. Why are you like this. Why do you treat people this way? Why do you feel limited in your abilities to pursue desires, why do you feel like an imposter? The answers might not be obvious, which is where therapy comes in, and journaling. And sometimes… you need that label to propel you forward into self-discovery.
As you gain greater understanding, you’ll grieve. You’ll wish you had a better childhood, or had made better decisions, or got more support when you were a kid, or were encouraged more to leave your comfort zone. Whatever outside influences contributed to the way you navigate your world today… you’ll feel like a victim for a while. A victim of circumstance and other people’s negligence. Then you process those emotions and see them through to the other side. The darkness is a tunnel. You keep waking until you find yourself in daylight again. Each time you wake up, the sun shines brighter and things become clearer. Then you find new things in shadow, and you find the light to shine on them too. For your whole life. It’s your responsibility to keep walking.
Have compassion for that person who was in the dark for so long. Remember that you have a choice. There’s no one in this world you’ll spend more time with than yourself. Might as well find a way to love that about life. Wouldn’t you rather spend the rest of your life with your best friend than your worst enemy?
