A Shot at Freedom

This is a true story that actually happened.

It was a few days after the Sandy Hook “shooting”, and I was on my own private property listening to Alex Jones. I heard a knock at my door, and rose from the recliner with gun in hand to answer it.

I had said some pretty inflammatory things about about the Obama regime on Facebook, FurAffinity, and PlentyOfFish; so I had suspected that they would be coming for me soon.

Sure enough, as I peered through the mail slot, I saw a tall, stern-looking black man in a well-fitting suit standing at my door. Obama had sent one of his agents to silence me.

“Hello, sir”, the jack-booted thug greeted with a false cordiality. “I’m from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, have you heard about the Book of Mo-”

I didn’t give that bastard the chance to spew his vile Obamanation propaganda. I pulled the trigger and fired a warning shot through the mail slot.

“DON’T TREAD ON ME, FASCIST!” I snarled triumphantly as the wood of my deck splintered beneath the thug’s feet. “THESE SCHOOL ‘SHOOTINGS’…THESE CALLS TO ACTIONS…IT’S ALL PART OF YOUR PLOT TO TAKE MY GUNS AWAY!!!”

“Ahhhhhhhh!”, responded the thug in an unprofessional squeal as he leapt from the deck onto my lawn. “None of that makes any sense!”

“Oh yeah?” I crowed as I fired another warning shot and created a blast of dirt and sod at his loafers. “Trying to tell me you’re not part of the anti-gun agenda?”

The thug stammered. “W..w..well, I personally oppose the unchecked availability of guns, but there’s no way you could politically force gun legislation through right now. The House is stacked heavily in conservatives’ favor, current Supreme Court precedent has been very lenient towards gun possession, and all these school shootings do is increase gun sales. At the federal level, any gun control legislation is dead on arrival.”

I felt my blood run cold. Deep down, part of me actually felt that his words made sense. The current legislative climate heavily favored gun deregulation, despite talks to the contrary whenever a shooting happened. Gun control was as feeble of a legislative goal as trying to repeal/defund Obamacare for the billionth time.

My finger relaxed and began to pull away from the trigger.

“You actually might…”

No! This was part of the trap! The thug was using his tricky ObamaLogic to get my guard lowered! My finger tensed up again as I pulled the trigger, sending a bullet straight into the thug’s stomach.

“…be trying to trick me!” I cackled in triumph as the thug’s wound oozed green blood.

“C̶͆̔̑̈͗͌̓Uͭ͗̋̍͘R̿͌͟Sͥͫ͗̇ͨḔ̍̈́̆͒͟ ҉Yͫ̄̓O̷ͥ̑͒̒ͣŲ́,̧ ̇̈̽ͧ̃̾̚H̵U͞M̌͑ͭ͛͗ͮ̈́A͑̂̉̆N̅!ͬͪ̾́ ̌͌̀̒̓́̓͏W͆͂̅̃̎͂̚È̢ͯ͛̽ͮŖ͑ͦ̓ͭ̊̓E͒̄͡ ́ͣ͆͗̓ͫI̛Tͩ̔́̋̄̓͞ ̡̈́̈́́N̓͆̍ͨ͐Ȯ͝T͆ ͧ͛ͤ͢F͊ͣ̔͌̇ͨO͌̏ͨ̋ͫ̈́ͧ͟R͌͌͡ ̿̇͌ͯͮͭͣ͘Ẏ͂̔̓̂̑Ö́ͨ̐́̈́̐̚U̕ ̈́̏͡Aͭ̒ͤ͛̓́N̔̋̌͛̿Dͯͪ́ ̴̔͊̇Lͧ̌̇̀ĪK̂́̃͑͟Eͩ̈ͧ̋̽̿ͥ-̏͐M̅̀̍͟Iͬ̎́̽̑̐ͤ͡N͐̿D̓ͯͣ͌͊̀ͣE͋ͧ̂ͥD̾͜ ̉Ỉ̇ͤͬ̅Ṅ̢ͦͤͭDI̒V̋̎̒́̌̀I̶̍ͤ̎D̓̽̈́́̚Ǘͩ̂ͦͪA̵͛ͥͬL̷ͩͪ̀̐̚S̡ͨͬ̀ͯ̒̓ ̒̒̾̄͊F̂̆̆̋̔͏Ȋ̢͌N̢̾̊̆̈́D̽ͥḮ̇̒̽̉ͫ̚NͤG̿̆ͩ̆ͭ̚ ̓̇̊̐̊ͦT̒̐ͯ̋͒ͦ̀H̅̉̏̾̔ͭE̚ ͆͌́Tͥ̄̀͛ͤ̚͠Ř̔̈̏̊͐ͧ͢Ųͯͨ͗ͯṪ̽ͧͬ̈͜Hͭ̽́̿ ̶̈́Oͦ̑͟N̊ ͤ͊T̂ͭH̴̐ͮȨ̍ ͩ͛̐̐̀͌I̒ͨ͗NͭͤTͧ̏Ẻ̢ͭ̊ͭ̈́̾̉R̵ͦ͐N̉͋Eͨ̿ͬ̽̓̓͆͜T̶̂͂͆̾ ̇͊ͣͧͨ̒̀̀ẤN̛̂͌̓ͥ̓D͆ͩ͗ ͂͘C̄̎͏O̶Ņ̋̑ͬͧ̽S̅͛ͤͤE̶͂ͫ͊̇̂̄̚R̉̽͒̅̇Vͣ̅̂̃̓̚A̿̒̉̆ͩͣT͌̈́Iͪ̌̐͢V̄̉͜E̿̓ ͛̒ͩ̊ͮRͤ͋A̵̅̓͛͋Dͥ͜IͥͦͪỎͥ̈ͭ, ̈́̿̏͋͒̎̍͞W̧̎ͩ̂̿E̍̀͂ͬ̈̽͗ ́̊͒̑̏͛̔Wͧ͠O̸̓ͯ̉ͪ͂U͗̑̈L͜D̏̽ͥ̈̆ ͋̑Hͮ̂͒̎̊AV̂ͣͥ͗͐E̷͛ͣ ̓̆̃̐ͦ͂Şͯ̄̾Ĕ̽̽I̔̌͂̇̓Z͗́̽̀̉E͟D̾͂̂ͦ͑ͩ͞ ̌̿̌͛ͭ̀Y͆̎̌̍̈̏ͨO̎͐̓͆ͩ͠U̷͗̊̃̂ͬͯR ̏ͥ̏S͆ͩ̾͐ͫ̒O̶Ć̔̒̎Ḯ̡̀̓ͧ́̊E͒͒̅́ͤ͠T͒̓Ý̇͗ͣͬͬ͂ ̸̐̓̓ͣ̅BͨY̡̐͊ͭ͋̿̉̃ ̷͒̐̾̔̆N͂͜Õ̇̔͐Ẅ̵̿ͫ͛̓̐!̚” the thug snarled in pain.

As the thug howled in agony, a serpent slithered from the open mouth and down the torso of its human flesh-vessel. I fired another shot at the snake, but missed. I let out a frustrated freedom-shriek as living evidence of the Serpentine Conspiracy slithered out of my reach.

Remember my story and know the truth. THEY ARE OUT THERE AND TRYING TO TAKE OUR GUNS AWAY.

Sure, the amount of firearms in circulation is increasing and no actual legislative action against gun ownership has seen anything resembling success…but that’s just PART OF THE CONSPIRACY TO KEEP YOU COMPLACENT.

OPEN YOUR EYES.
WE’RE THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS NOW, BITCHES.