Bracketly Ever After (Part 1)
A Tournament-Style Exercise to Find Out Which Disney Princess Would Get the Final Rose
If you’re an animator who wants to make a video that goes viral, here’s a free idea: make a parody of The Bachelor, using Disney Princesses as the contestants. Maybe throw in some of their evil stepmothers to fulfill the Crazy Quota.
Ideally you’d use real clips of the boy Ben Higgins from the actual show. Can you imagine? The Bach talking sweetly to Belle, only for the more assertive Jasmine to come up and request “Hiii, can I steal him for a minute?” Hilarity would be oozing from that no-doubter of a viral sensation.
Unfortunately I don’t have the skill set to make that happen. But that hasn’t stopped me from wondering: out of all those Disney movies (of which I am a BIG fan), who is the one true princess? Which one would you want to live happily ever after with?
And so, with March Madness upon us, I propose we shift our attention to a different, undoubtedly more thrilling tournament.
First, some ground rules.
- No animals. Sorry, Nala. Sorry, Maid Marian. What am I, some sort of beastialistic weirdo? No. Only animated teenagers for me! This rule also calls into question the legitimacy of Ariel’s candidacy, as well. But if you think I’m going to leave out a red-head in a sea-shell bra, you’re taking crazy pills. We’ll just consider the post-op Ariel as the girl you’d be taking home to Mom.
- The official Disney Princess franchise has a roster of 11. But the two chicks from Frozen are expected to be added to the line-up soon, so we’re going to include them. That leaves us with 13 candidates, and makes for a fairly odd bracket. Which leads perfectly into Ground Rule #3.
- The top 3 seeds get a bye straight into the Enchanted Eight. Seeding was done by the box office success of each Princess’s movie. Anna and Elsa, of Frozen fame, split their box office numbers. Despite this, they still were the 1 and 2 seeds, which illustrates what a juggernaut that film is. But ultimately, seeding doesn’t matter. The winner will beat all the others, whether directly or indirectly, and all other places matter not.
- Princesses will be judged like you would any other girl. On appearance, sense of humor, intelligence, talent, etc. These judgements will be gleaned from my subjective opinions, but it should be noted that my opinions are always correct.
So here’s what the tournament field looks like:
Now, you’re probably asking, “Mike, how can you expect to decide between these women? You haven’t seen most of these movies in over a decade; some never at all!” Well, that was true before this project started. But I’m committed to the craft, and in the spirit of servicing this lovely readership, I put in the primary research.
That’s right. I watched all of these movies again/for the first time. And it was glorious. And now, oftentimes on my walk to work, I’ll randomly break into song about how I must be destined for more than this simple life.
Because that’s one thing you notice when watching these movies over again. These ladies are actually pretty similar. The driving theme is they all want more than the life that has been laid out for them. Kind of like those damn entitled Millennials!
But there’s enough differentiation between personalities and behaviors to whittle this list down to The One.
Let’s begin, shall we? One Shining Moment is just 12 battles away.
#8 Pocahontas vs. #9 Mulan
Our first match up pits two minority candidates against each other, which will probably offend someone. Mulan exposed us to Girl Power, while Pocahontas taught us to Coexist.
Ready to have your mind blown? Mulan is the only one in this tournament who was not born into, nor married into royalty. She’s not even a real princess! I’m not going to disqualify her, but this stunning revelation does not help her cause.
Also not helping her cause: Next to Pocahontas, who is an absolute knock-out, Mulan’s looks are pretty pedestrian. She does, after all, pass for a man throughout most of the movie. Also, at one point, she utters the phrase “I never want to see a naked man again.” Gotta say, Mulan, that’s kind of a deal-breaker.
Pocahontas moves on.
#4 Merida vs. #13 Aurora
The Scottish badass in the style of Katniss Everdeen, up against the tall, blonde bombshell with big blue eyes.
Aurora is no doubt a beauty. But if we were grading on a scale of A to F, she would get an “Incomplete”. Her first line of dialogue is nearly 30 minutes into the movie. By 50 minutes, she’s passed out.
Unfortunately that makes her too much of an unknown. We’re talking about ever after here. I can’t risk spending the rest of my life with someone who I’ve only heard speak about 10 lines of dialogue. And the witty banter, she does not have.
We can debate the merits of Merida later on, but safe to say she beats a girl who has lived her whole life in a sheltered cottage and who falls in love with the first boy she meets within 5 minutes of meeting him. Stage 5 clinger, for sure.
#5 Jasmine vs. #12 Ariel
What a shame that these two absolute powerhouses have to meet in the first round. I’ve had a crush on both of these two since I was about 10. Those bodies — I mean, wowza.
Despite the #5 seed, insiders know that Jasmine is the real favorite of this tournament. But could Ariel merit an upset? (This is a 12–5 matchup after all).
She has a great voice that is recognized as the best in the kingdom. And out of nowhere she freestyles “Part of Your World”, which is one of the best songs of the entire franchise. She loves to travel and has a never-ending sense of wonder. I already mentioned the striking red hair and sexy top she wears. And for a while there, she loses her ability to talk. What could be better, amirite guys?
But she’s also a bit shy. I don’t think she’d be a great plus-1 to bring to a party. She’s kind of a girly-girl, which is not bad in small doses, but does grow tired. And her dad seems a bit overbearing. Which, frankly, is quite reasonable, because Ariel is 16 years old. We should probably move on from that jailbait. I think Ariel just needs time to grow into her final self. Call me in 10 years, boo.
#7 Snow White vs. #10 Tiana
Snow White is the O.G. Princess. Also the “oh, gee” princess, because she’s got that damsel in distress act down. She’s generally oblivious to her surroundings. I mean she stumbles across a house in the woods, and without batting an eyelash, signs up for a breaking-and-entering charge if those dwarves had decided to prosecute.
Speaking of which, I’m not the jealous type, but if she’s going to be hanging out with those seven dudes all the time, I think that’s a bit much. At least a few of them have eyes for her — they all blush like schoolboys when she kisses them off to work.
But she does have some redeeming qualities. One of them being she must have a hookup on some sweet drugs. She’s clearly hallucinating while she’s running through the forrest, and she talks to animals on the regular. Sign me up!
Her voice is pretty annoying, though. And I don’t think she’s all that good-looking. Personally, I prefer the evil stepmom in that department. Why are you so angry, evil stepmom? No need to be insecure. It’s not Snow White that’s causing your problems. Maybe it’s time you look in the mirror (see what I did there?).
Meanwhile, Tiana (from The Princess and the Frog, and the last 2D princess) perfectly illustrates the contrast between new school and old school Disney Princesses. While Snow White wants a Prince to sweep her off her feet and into a new life, Tiana strives to do it herself through hard work. Good for you, Tiana. You’re moving on to the next round.
#6 Belle vs. #11 Cinderella
First of all, if there’s a national organization for Stepmoms, they should sue Disney for the way they’re portrayed in these movies. Holy shit, these are some evil bitches. Snow White’s stepmom hires the Huntsman to literally cut out her heart. And Cinderella’s keeps her as little more than a slave.
Despite this miserable life, Cinderella keeps a positive outlook. And she’s not one-dimensional, like some of her peers. She actually has substance, and opinions on things. She can be sarcastic, and even combative. But always kind. Really just a model human being.
You learn pretty much all you need to know about Belle in the movie’s opening number (which is fire, by the way). The townspeople agree that she’s a total space cadet, and yet they’re all captivated by her. She’s got those girl-next-door looks, and they’ve “got no parallel.” She’s a classic manic pixie dream girl. I’ve stated in the past I have a thing for that type.
And so, in the toughest decision of this opening round, I have to go with Belle over Cinderella. Over the long haul, Belle would do a better job of keeping you on your toes.
And so, the Enchanted Eight is set:
Check back next week for Part 2, where we‘ll play out the tournament to its conclusion. Exciting stuff!
Update: here’s Part 2:
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