If NFL Analysts Were Talking About The Date I Had Last Week
A lot of people say they would like to have their very own theme music follow them around, or at least have it play when they enter a room. A worthy desire, for sure. After all, it was great when Peter Griffin had it.
I have a similar wish: to have broadcast announcers commenting on my life. And there’s no way I’m the only one. Certainly most sports fans can hear their own personal broadcast team in their own head, wether while playing actual sports, or just doing everyday activities.
Like walking down a crowded sidewalk:
“He is seeing three or four moves ahead, Jim. Just having one of those kinds of days. A virtuoso performance.”
Or cooking dinner:
“…And it looks like he’s getting ready to flip this chicken breast…GOT IT! What a move by Mike! Perfectly golden brown and this meal is going to be dee-lish.”
In the same vein, while on the way home from a first date last week, I couldn’t help but think of how analysts may have spoken about the date while looking over its highlight package. This will work with any of your favorite SportsCenter duos, but in this instance, I was imagining the hosts of NFL Primetime — Chris Berman narrating the highlights and Tom Jackson providing the in depth analysis.
As such, the rest of this post is best read while blasting the following music:
Berman: And let’s jump right into our next segment: Mike’s date with Mandy. The first time these two have met this year. Pick it up pregame, where Mike is finishing up work. He’s agreed to meet Mandy for drinks after work, but he’s running just a bit late. On his way to the bar, he’s about to text her his ETA when he receives a text from her saying that she’ll be late. A little pre-date synergy perhaps?
Jackson: Well, a bit sloppy on both ends here, Chris. Nobody likes to be sitting alone at the bar like a loser, but fortunately for both, they ended up on the same page.
Berman: And so Mike actually arrives a beat before Mandy, but before he can sit down, she walks in and they hug. A nice greeting, and Mike looks pleased that Mandy represented herself fairly in her Hinge photos.
Jackson: True, but you can tell here Mike is still a little bit on edge. He knew from the moment he walked into this cocktail lounge that it was a classic boring-first-date venue. Not only that, but he came straight from work. Usually before a date, he likes to slam a drink or two, just to get loosened up before stepping into the field.
Berman: And so they have a seat. But as you say, Tom, they immediately fall into a problem that’s been affecting a whole lot of people around the league lately: they just met, they should be diving into a nice conversation, but they’re distracted by the fancy cocktail menus in front of them. What did you see here?
Jackson: Well you can tell they’re both feeling the pressure here. She wants be assertive, but there’s only a couple liquors she even likes to drink. Meanwhile, as a man, you always fear ordering something that sounds amazing, but then it comes in some girly little glass, pink with a mini umbrella in it, and there’s nothing you can do but put your face in your palm.
Berman: And so Mike plays it safe with a whiskey drink, and it pays off. The drinks arrive and his is in a tumbler. Not only that, but he lightens the mood by mentioning that exact girly-glass problem you mentioned. This date getting going, here.
Jackson: A little self-depreciating humor is nearly always a good move, Chris.
Berman: And so, as we move into some actual conversation, let’s see how they vibe. Seems to be going in a good direction. Very pleasant. Smiles all around. And then…you can see it start to turn…and BOOM! Oh no! They’ve fallen into the worst first date trope out there: Going over their life resumes — where they’re from, how they got here, and what they do for a living. Not ideal, Tom.
Jackson: It’s not ideal, Chris, but in these situations, it’s pretty much unavoidable. Oftentimes it’s best just to get it out of the way early. And as you’ll see coming up, Mike is able to turn it to his favor.
Berman: That’s right, good to get a little baseline knowledge of the person you’re out with. And as we jump ahead just a bit, Mike is able to circle back and make a well-received joke about how boring her government job must be. What a move, there.
Jackson: And she playfully denies his claim, but you can tell she enjoyed that one. Just a bigtime joker making bigtime jokes, Chris.
Berman: And so, once again, it looks like things could be turning. Later on, we see them both laughing again, and it looks like he…could…go…all…the…wa — but no! This time a group of people walks past them, sits at the table next to them, and they get distracted, taken out of the moment. Leading to the dreaded awkward pause. People are going to be talking about this one, Tom.
Jackson: Well in this situation, one of them has to step up and take control of the dynamic. At the risk of reinforcing gender roles, Chris, I’m gonna say this is usually the man’s job. On the other hand, chemistry is a two-way street. Despite the pleasant atmosphere between them, if they’re just not feeling it, they’re just not feeling it.
Berman: So. Moving ahead. You get the feeling this date may be cut short. In fact Mike offers to buy another drink, but he’s secretly kind of hoping she’ll decline. Aaaaaaand…she does! The waiter brings the check, they chat for a bit more, and decide to call it a date. But: they live in the same direction so we see they walk a couple blocks together. Could there be a miracle in store? So. Here we go…hail mary time. Mike looks up, assesses the situation, and throws it out there!: “you wanna come up to my place and have a little fun?”
[Kidding! I didn’t actually do this. It just fits too well into the football analogy to leave something like this out.]
Jackson: Haha, good one, Chris. Maybe he should have said something like that. You never know, right? Instead, they go their separate ways and are both home before it’s dark out.
[Music fades out. That’s right — scroll back up and fade that shit out. We’re now entering the post-highlights analysis.]
Berman: So what do we think, here? Not a complete waste of time, but I get the feeling these two will not be meeting up again.
Jackson: I agree, Chris. Mike definitely lacked something she desires in a mate. And I think looking at it from the other side, in my opinion, she was just a little too…timid for Mike’s tastes. A little reserved. As Mike likes to say, he’s entered his 30's, but he’s not quite ready to give up that 20's lifestyle. So we’ll see.
Berman: So. Another mediocre performance from both sides, as they continue to fall behind the rest of society in the standings. We’ll check back next week to see if either one can rebound. For Tom Jackson, I’m Chris Berman. Have a good night.
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