Online Dating: Why it Should Work and the Reasons it Doesn’t
Somehow, in the past few years, online dating has become acceptable to the masses. What was once only for the ugly, the old, the fat, and the socially awkward now has its grips on the young, good-looking, and talented portion of the population. It’s as if society as a whole decided to swallow its pride and set up a profile. Of course, society doesn’t want to seem desperate, so its profile still contains disclaimers such as “I’m really skeptical about this” or “I’m just too busy to meet people.” But we already get everything else we want online — news, goods, degrees, jobs — so why not people?
I suppose it makes sense when you look at what direction our society has been moving in. The number of women in the work force continues to rise. Technology in general has exploded. People are staying single longer, but there’s still that hint of anxiety because they haven’t settled down yet—Better hurry, or all the good ones will be taken!
Moreover, for people looking to find a soul mate, time is working against them on three different fronts: 1) As we get older, our vision of an ideal mate gets more narrowly defined; 2) As people continue to pair off, the field of eligibles dwindles; and 3) Every day you are fatter, uglier, and balder. You loser.
Dating sites act as a filter to weed out the unwanted guys/gals, and for this reason, online dating has become too convenient to ignore.
And on paper, it makes perfect sense. Because out at a bar, you might see 50 people of of the gender you’re into. Half of those will be taken, half of the remaining will be fugly, and half of the remaining probably just won’t be very cool. That leaves 6.25 potential soul-mates, except half of those are gay, and the other half are way at the other side of the crowded bar and chances are you won’t bump into them. The chances of meeting one of the truly great ones in real life seems pretty slim.
Enter online dating sites and apps, where you can literally sit at home in your underwear and browse for The One. You don’t have to worry about who’s not single, and you can filter out the ones who smoke, or who aren’t the same religion, or whatever your preference is. You can also learn a decent amount about the person without even having the balls to approach him/her. We do hear about success stories from time to time, but why not more?
To solve such a mystery, I decided to dive into the belly of the beast, and set up a profile. (What actually happened is that I had my heart broken, and decided to open up all avenues to fill the fresh, gaping hole in my emotional core). There was a time—not long ago—when I would say to people “if I’m ever on one of those dating websites, that’s when I’ll know I need to reevaluate the choices I’ve made in life.” Well apparently those choices haven’t been great, because here I am, with my very own OKCupid profile. I chose OKCupid because I heard that’s the young/hip/casual one. Plus, due to its geographically meaningful initials, if anything were to blossom with someone, we could avoid embarrassment and tell people we met in OKlahoma City.
Amid the excitement and stress of perfecting my own profile into something that paints a pretty, yet unique, picture, I have managed to go on a handful of dates. Let me tell you: they’ve all been exceedingly average. I’m not saying I got NOTHING out of it (you know what I’m talking about ;-), but over these handful of dates, we produced fewer sparks than you would trying to start a fire with two pieces of fruit.
Part of the blame has to go to me, and part of the blame has to go to my dates. But I think there some problems with the entire concept. Here are my scorching hot takes on the matter:
· Everyone is the same. Yes, you’ve got access to a portal that opens the door to thousands of options, but those options are surprisingly similar. Sure, there’s a range of age and ethnicities. No complaints there. But in my experience online, most girls have strikingly similar thoughts on life. They all “love what this city has to offer,” “enjoy being active,” and of course, without fail, they all “love to laugh.” Oh really? You love laughing? I love to laugh too! How crazy is that?!? Seriously, if you’re not a fan of laughing, then you’ve either had a horrific throat/face accident (sorry), or you’re an alien doing a poor impression of a human. The amount of women that put up that phrase — seemingly as a way to differentiate themselves — is mind-boggling.
· But who wouldn’t want to date someone who loves his/her city, has an active lifestyle, and who loves to laugh? Doesn’t sound like a bad pool of applicants. But you know they all can’t be this perfect. You wouldn’t have stooped to this level if it were that easy. So you start picking nits. Views on reality television and pop music are potentially fun debates to have, but instead people tend to gravitate towards people with whom they match with perfectly. Or even more serious subjects like religion. I know I’ve eliminated people because they’re super into God, but who knows — that could be a mistake.
· Here’s the fundamental problem of online dating: while it makes perfect sense on paper, in practice, it’s so forced and awkward that it’s doomed from the start. Because here’s what you’re agreeing to: “We are going to meet at such-and-such place. At such-and-such time. And we are going to talk.” What’s fun about that? It’s like a freakin job interview. You exchange life-resumes, and then you’re looking at each other with nothing to talk about, and you’re wondering why. Your online exchanges were so funny and had such a nice flow to them. About that:
· It’s much easier to be witty when writing a message, because you’ve got all the time in the world to respond. That meet-cute banter you had online/texting doesn’t necessarily translate to one-on-one conversation. The actual date can end up being more uncomfortable than your sitting position when a flight attendant makes you return your seatback to its upright position.
· And speaking of being doomed to fail from the beginning: You don’t want to commit your Friday or Saturday night to some potentially awkward stranger. And if you do, you’ll set the date up on the early side, leaving both parties the option of calling an audible midway through to go do something else. Because by 9 PM you’ll be wondering what fun activity you’re missing out on.
· Okay, so just set up the date for a school night. No one is doing anything fun anyway. But in this case, you both have work tomorrow. So you can “only have one or two drinks.” But extended flirtatious conversation usually requires a blood-alcohol level over the legal limit. So when that ideal conversation fails to materialize, that bag of weed and the Game of Thrones episode on your DVR start to sound pretty amazing.
· Finally, in an example of irony that even Alannis Morissette would be impressed with, online dating doesn’t work because online dating exists. Follow me: the bachelor/ette pool is so large, and so easily accessible, that it makes it too easy to move on. If things don’t go perfectly on this date, who cares? You can just go home and swipe right a few times, and you’ll have another date by the end of the week.
But I think we’re getting better at it. I know I certainly have, once I realized how low-stakes the whole operation is. Over time, my dates have gone from awkward to pretty fun, even if I know it’s ultimately not going to work out. What I do regret is never having one of those dates from hell, because now I’m writing about the concept of online dating, rather than a great story that emerged from it. Curse me and my reasonable judgment!
Ultimately, I think relationships are like produce — best developed organically. No one wants to tell their kids, relatives, and friends that they met their significant other on a computer. But it is a perfectly reasonable way to meet people, and there’s no reason not to try it. From a risk/reward perspective, it’s a no-brainer. But if you’re going to go for it, here’s my unsolicited advice:
· Avoid the traditional first date of dinner, drinks, or coffee. Go to some event or place where you can people-watch and/or comment on the scenery around you. Or simply meet up at a party. Anywhere that avoids getting completely locked in a two-person bubble.
· And don’t be afraid to commit a full night to it. Otherwise there’s incentive for it to fail.
· And get drunk, for pete’s sake. Alcohol makes everything better.
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