The Official Holiday Candy Power Rankings
Alternate title: I’ve Got to Write SOMETHING on Valentine’s Day, Right?
An oft-cited anecdote or joke about Valentine’s Day is that February 15th is actually the day to celebrate, because all the candy is on sale at the drug store. But let’s be real. Valentine’s Day candy sucks butts.
Here is a list of holidays, ranked by their associated candies. This list is subjective, but you should know that it is 100% correct:
1. Halloween
Simply due to its sheer volume and variety. Halloween is a crowdsourced cornucopia of tasty treats. And one box of raisins from that shitty old lady down the street.
As a kid, Halloween is nothing short of a dream come true: Free. Candy. Everywhere. And as an adult, Halloween candy is still great because it reminds us that the best reason to have a kids in the first place is so you can film them while you tell them you ate all of their candy and send their reactions to Jimmy Kimmel.
2. Easter
The Cadbury product line is unique and delicious. Plus Peeps. They’re polarizing, but never un-interesting.
3. Christmas
Christmas ushers in the mint-chocolate combo, which is a winner. And who doesn’t love a good ginger house?
4. Hanukah
What are those little chocolate coins called? Geld? Those are kind of fun. And if you ask me, a delicious variety of chocolate.
5. President’s Day
Valentine’s Day candy at half the price.
6. Valentine’s Day
Bringing up the rear is V-day. Sure, there’s a lot of chocolate to go around, but there’s very little peanut butter involved. That’s problematic.
And the signature candy item of Valentine’s Day is the Sweetheart. Those little candy hearts with flirtatious messages. Said another way: edible chalk.
Please refer to this list as official and binding if an argument ever pops up.
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