Babies: Useless Parasites or the Fulfillment of a Greater Life?
The big news in my family over the past week is its newest member. My brother had baby boy. It’s the first time either one of us has contributed to the evolution of the human species, so it’s kind of a big deal. Not only that, but the new babe acts as a pressure release valve for those grandchild-fiends I like to call my parents. So thanks, bro. (Just kidding — my parents are not so bad).
Here’s the thing about babies: they’re life-changers. You get nine months to prepare and then your priorities are turned upside down for AT LEAST 18 years. I don’t own any babies myself but I know people who keep them around. And in my observation, one’s child is not one’s first priority; the child is the only priority.
This as opposed to marriage, which I don’t see as a huge deal. I’m still yet to get a satisfactory explanation of how marriage is different — lifestyles-wise — from just living with your significant other.
Not that I’m against marriage. I want to live happily ever after just as much as the next guy. I mean, think about it: to be so thrilled/smitten/enamored with someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with said person? Who wouldn’t want that? I’m surprised it happens as often as it does.
Because I would think for it to work out in the long term, each person has to believe the other one is out of his/her league (when considering looks/personality/everything). You would think that that mutual “holy-shit-what-is-this-person-even-doing-with-me?” feeling wouldn’t land very often. But according to my Facebook feed, it does.
So while it’s fun — and often fashionable for males — to hate on commitment/marriage, I’d wager most of us do want to find “that special someone.” Plus you get to throw an awesome party where everyone is required to pay attention to you.
But children? Now that’s a game changer. Instead of losing sleep because you’re out partying, now you’re losing sleep to nurture a baby back to silence. And what does that baby give you in return? Nothing. It’s like, dude, get a job. Contribute something. And if you’re going to live in this country, at least learn English, you know? Love or leave it, baby. That’s what I say.
Despite the general uselessness of babies, there are reasons to make them.
For one, the process is fun.
For two, having children is, quite literally, the purpose of life. (Minor detail, that one).
And beyond that, I can think of four important reasons to have a child. Although I can’t speak for females, if you’re a male, as soon as your kid pops out:
You get that Dad Strength
Dads are, by definition, super strong. Any 15-year-old boy will tell you this. A teenaged boy should be able to kick his aging dad’s ass in a game of rough-house. But for way longer than they should be able to, dads hand out whoopins at the expense of their kin.
You get to tell Dad Jokes
The ones that inspire a thousand face-palms. Eye-rolls for days. Once your child reaches a certain age, you get to — nay, are encouraged to — make bad puns as often as possible. I do this already, but I look forward to the day when it becomes socially acceptable.
You get that Dad Dick:
I’ll let the guys from Workaholics explain.
You get to rock a Dad Bod:
Apparently, as of a few weeks ago, this is a thing. While dads only provide the namesake for this body type, the rest of us appreciate them for also embodying the characteristics that make them attractive. All of a sudden the beauty standards we’re subjected to have been loosened. Which is great. Don’t get me wrong — it’s not like I’m not motivated. I am very much motivated to go to the gym every day and come out looking like Thor. It’s just that I’m more motivated to catch up on House of Cards and the like.
So just by siring an heir, your strength, sense of humor, and manhood all expand. Like magic. Again, who wouldn’t want that?
So congrats to my brother. Even though he’s always had a “legit bat”, now it’s official.
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