What It’s Like When Your Date Has Everything You’re Looking For. And More.


“Totally not hurt. I get it. It’s scary.”

That’s how this story ends. Intriguing, no?

Let me tell you about a girl we’ll call Kara. I met Kara at a party (because I told you: house parties are way better than bars). A total sass-ball with a freckly face. Just my type.

Not surprisingly, we got along well. Although at the end of the night, I couldn’t quite convince her to come to the after party, which was at my place. It was to be a very classy and exclusive event, with only one guest in addition to the host.

But she was “kinda/sorta/not-really-sure dating someone”. Whatever, I thought. That guy probably sucks. I, on the other hand, do not suck. Advantage: Mike.

Sure enough, my texting game was on point, and within a few weeks, I scored a date with Kara. I suggested we go to the park and drink wine, which is my go-to if the weather’s nice enough. There’s good people-watching, it’s relatively cheap, and Vitamin D is a natural aphrodisiac. I made that last part up, but I also don’t know that it’s NOT true.

She did me one better by suggesting that I just come along to the park-and-wine day she had planned with her friends for that day. That’s right — I’m so charming she wanted to introduce me to her friends before we even had a first date.

A lovely day at Dolores Park.

On the real, though, I’m here to ride for the group date. When only just getting to know someone, I think I’m better in a small group than one-on-one. Because there’s less pressure on you specifically to keep the conversation flowing. You don’t always have to be talking to each other. It’s a way more dynamic setting, which makes it much easier to have actual fun.

Plus, seeing someone in the presence of their friends is probably the best way to get to know them anyway. I invited a couple of my friends, too, and we all got along swimmingly. And wouldn’t you know it? Kara and I have similar lifestyles and senses of humor. I’d have to say those are two requirements for a promising relationship.

Later that night, a few people from the group met back up at a bar in the Haight, which is a San Francisco neighborhood that still feels like the San Francisco of old, before all of us tech-bros ruined everything. But I digress.

On this night, there would be an afterparty, albeit at her place. Things were starting to get a little hot and heavy, and then we paused to have one of the more awkward conversations I’ve had a part in. She informed me that she has…wait for it…herpes.

Oh, stop worrying! We weren’t doing anything that can transfer anything to anyone. Supposedly on the first night we met, when I was pitching her the after party, she mentioned she “had an STD”, but I completely failed to register that. Thanks, alcohol! Keeping us safe since never.

Anyway, the next day I learned that apparently it’s pretty hard to spread if you are responsible about it. On the other hand, she got it, so…

This brings us to what could be a weekly feature called “Am I a Bad Person?”

Because as much as I may have liked this girl, I feel like I’d be stressed out every time we had sex. For an activity that’s supposed to relieve stress, that’s not a good sign. #BonerKiller.

Speaking of which, (not real) research shows that getting rid of condoms is the number one reason people enter monogamous relationships. The whole sharing-your-life-with-your-soulmate thing is great, but my married friends (jokingly) tell me that the lack of condoms is the real selling point.

Would that even be an option with Kara? And even if you are super safe, there’s still a risk of getting it.

The whole situation was just too big of a hurdle for me to get past.

To her credit, she was upfront about things; I figured I owed her the same. So I spent about 37 minutes crafting a text that would convey that message without sounding like a total fuckhead. No easy task.

To my great relief, she understood. This is obviously something she’s dealt with before. But man, that’s a tough draw for her. And that’s the thought that led to a brilliant idea that is going to make me millions: A dating site for people with STD’s.

Dammit. Already exists. Can I get equity in that company for having the idea anyway? I swear it came organically to me. Who do I talk to about this?

Other questions: What would it take for me to reconsider? Like, what if she really was THE girl of my dreams? I don’t think you can know until you’re actually in that situation. And I didn’t let it get that far. For sure, the lack of investment I had in this relationship made it easier to walk away.

But what if she hadn’t revealed this piece of medical history? What if we continued dating for a few months, and I got smitten, and then she brings it up? (Because again, with the proper precautions in place, it’s manageable). That would be morally wrong on her part, but strategically, it might be the right move. Comforting, right?

Kind of like single parents deciding when to reveal they have kids. Which kind of segues into my closing thought. A fun Would-You-Rather:

You’re a dude. You have sex with someone you don’t know very well. A month later, she calls you up on the phone. Would you rather her say “I have herpes and you have it too” or “I’m pregnant and it’s yours”?

I think I’d rather the latter. Because ultimately, you’re going to end up loving that kid. Or you could go another rout: of the two scenarios above, only one of them is curable.

Next week on “Am I a Bad Person?”:

We discuss the outrage created by my suggestion that pregnancy is “curable”.


Hey! If you enjoyed reading this, go ahead and hit the green, heart-shaped “Recommend” button below. Makes it easier for others to find and enjoy. Everybody wins! And don’t forget you can follow on Twitter @CootiesReport and on on Facebook, too. And feel free to reach out to cooties.report@gmail.com if you want to ask a question, or spill your most intimate secrets or whatever.