A day at Secret Starbucks

Beneath the sprawl of Los Angeles lies The Actor Bahn, a series of secret, intricate tunnels, accessible only to Hollywood’s elite. Initially developed during prohibition to house secret drinking dens beyond the reach of the authorities, the tunnels now serve Tinsel Town’s most famous players, giving them cover to travel unbothered by their vexing fans.

Inside the depths of this series of tunnels is a singular Starbucks location that caters to Hollywood’s heavyweights. Secret Starbucks. Due to the sensitivity of the clientele, there is only one staff member. The manager, barista, janitor and cashier, Clark Hansen, ensures that his customers receive the devoted attention they deserve. This is a day in his life.

4:43 am

I open the back door with my key and breathe in the scent of coffee beans, banana loaf, and secrecy. I punch in for another day of serving red carpet royalty and grab the to-do checklist from where it hangs on the walk-in fridge door.

5:00 am

I get the coffee brewing. Nobody really orders drip down here, instead opting for the more complex, fussy, espresso-based options, but I am legally required to keep the drip supply going for the atmosphere. It’s either that or play the corporate Acoustic Coffeehouse playlist and I just can’t stomach any more Damien Rice at this point.

5:11 am

I restock the pastry case, taking care to select the choicest looking options for the display. I ensure we have fresh spinach, feta, and egg white wraps on hand–Billy Crystal comes in for one every day. At the end of my shift, all of the leftovers will get thrown out and destroyed, as will all of the trash produced at this location. We can’t risk bringing evidence above ground and revealing what’s hidden beneath.

5:24 am

I do a bathroom check to make sure it’s supplied with enough toilet paper. I don’t actually have proof of this, but I’m starting to think this is the only bathroom that Don Henley can take a shit in.

5:30 am

The bell on the door chimes as I get my first customer of the day–Oprah.

“Early bird gets the worm!” she chirps, just as she does every morning. “I’ll have the usual.”

I get to work preparing her grande nonfat chai latte while she tells me about the smoothie she had this morning.

“I like a little vanilla protein powder, a scoop of collagen, some blueberries, kale, spinach, and believe it or not, I like to add a little–wait for it–algae in there. Yes, algae! I know it sounds weird, but trust me, the benefits are REAL.”

“Wow,” I reply, handing her drink over to her. She thanks me and is on her way.

6:01 am

I decide to pour myself a grande cup of drip coffee. Somebody should enjoy it!

6:32 am

I finish my coffee just as I get a pickup order sent to the computer.

Six shots of espresso

• Iced

I don’t even need to look at the order name. Pedro Pascal fuels himself every day with this.

6:44 am

Pedro walks through the door talking on the phone. He speaks rapidly in Spanish and I can’t understand any of it, despite taking Spanish all through high school. He smiles at me and does prayer hands before picking up his iced espresso and heading out the door.

7:04 am

Billy comes by for his spinach, feta, and egg white wrap. Today, he debates getting a coffee to go with it, but talks himself out of it without waiting for my input.

7:39 am

I pour myself another cup of drip and say hello to Don as he gives me a wave and heads into the bathroom with his iPad to do his usual business.

8:11 am

I’m crouched below the counter grabbing supplies to restock the cups and lids when I smell something floral, seductive, and altogether intoxicating. I slowly stand up to see Catherine Zeta-Jones standing at the counter, texting with her sunglasses on.

“Flat white,” she mutters without looking up. I’m prepared to think of her as cold and calculating when she flashes me a warm smile and slides a five across the counter.

“Oh, I’m not really supposed to accept tips,” I explain, but she won’t take no for an answer. I glance around to make sure nobody is looking and pocket the bill. I’ll probably use it to get a hot dog on the way home later.

8:55 am

Don leaves the bathroom and gives me a “See you tomorrow!” on his way out. I pour myself another cup.

9:03 am

It happens every day, yet still flabbergasts me every time. Around 9 in the morning, Beck comes in for a cup of hot water. Nothing else. He doesn’t say much, but he always leaves me with a daily affirmation written on a small scrap of paper. Today’s affirmation says: Today I will walk through my fears.

10:20 am

Minors aren’t allowed in the Actor Bahn unaccompanied, but since her 18th birthday, Apple Martin has been coming in every morning for a sweet cream cold brew. This morning she catches me silently practicing my number for an upcoming lip sync competition, but politely pretends she didn’t see anything. Instead of feeling humiliated, I think about asking her for her feedback on the performance since her dad is a renowned musician, but chicken out at the last minute.

10:33 am

The door chimes and I look up from my trembling hands and nearly gasp. It’s John Travolta. As far as I know, this is his first time at Secret Starbucks and I practically shout at him out of excitement and over-caffeination. I keep it together and prepare his order, a grande cappuccino and butter croissant, with as much precision as I can muster. I think I’m making him nervous because he keeps looking toward the door as I try to maintain sustained eye contact while walking him through my latte art process.

10:41 am

I talk myself out of drinking another cup of coffee, but before I know it my hands have already put my cup under the dispenser and it’s filling up with hot, brown liquid.

11:13 am

Zendaya arrives and despite the fact that I can tell she just rolled out of bed, she looks like she could be on the cover of Vogue. I make the mistake of telling her that. She’s clearly weirded out. I try to walk it back with a delayed “…or whatever.” but I fear it’s too late. She practically snatches her venti iced matcha green tea latte out of my hands.

12:28 pm

If this were a traditional job, this is when I would take my lunch break. But as the sole employee, I must resist leaving my post and instead eat my homemade ham and cheese sandwich behind the cash register. I hope, as I do every day, that nobody walks in while I’m doing this.

12:38 pm

Just as I’m shoving the last corner of crust into my mouth, Bruno Mars enters and orders a cinnamon dolce latte (hot) with a straw.

“Gotta protect these puppies,” he says to me, flashing his perfect teeth.

2:12 pm

This is the beginning of what’s known at Secret Starbucks as “the dead zone”. Most activity happens in the first half of the day, leaving me to find various ways to pass the time. It hardly seems like I’ve made a dent in the drip coffee supply, so I pour another cup. Don’t want it to go to waste!

3:13 pm

I begin throwing little pieces of balled up receipt paper into a short cup across the restaurant. I’ve done this before, but today I have the confidence to move the cup back a few more feet. When I finally get a ball in the cup, I can’t stop myself from sobbing. To celebrate, I pour myself another coffee and sneak a stale cake pop from the pastry display.

4:11 pm

Rachel Ray bursts through the door with a loud “Hi!!”. She says she just needs a quick bite on the way to a birthday party. She opts for the kale and mushroom sous vide egg bites and insists on taking a bite right in front of me.

“YUM-O!” she proclaims.

5:32 pm

By now my paper cup has disintegrated from all the refills. It’s leaking everywhere and I feel like I could roof an entire building.

6:28 pm

Right as I’m about to head to lock up, Chris Pratt barges in and asks how many hard boiled eggs I have on the premises. I offer him a protein bistro box and he requests that I remove the fruit. I don’t even think about telling him I’m not supposed to open the boxes and remove items. The celebrities get what they want down here.

6:34 pm

I take all the trash to the incinerator and watch the flames envelop the straw wrappers and napkins that all the celebrities who came through today have smeared with their DNA.

6:41 pm

I fill my thermos with the rest of the drip coffee, clock out and grab my hoverboard from the back office. Ironically, I don’t have a car to navigate the Actor Bahn, but nobody really looks at you down here. Everyone just wants to mind their own business.