Creative Birthday Party Ideas for Late 20somethings in San Francisco

It’s your birthday! Why the long…torso?

Is your birthday coming up?

Do you live in a city?

Are you over the age of 25?

Yeah, same. It’s not very inspiring anymore, this birthday thing. Weren’t you just born? Oh…that was decades ago? But you know, maybe the problem is just that all the birthday ideas are on repeat, and we need something fresh to look forward to.

So, today I am here to offer some fun, creative ways to celebrate the anniversary of your natal waterslide. Follow me, lads and ladettes.

Party Idea #1: Literally Freeze Yourself in Amber

If you’re a true San Franciscan, you will reject change with every fiber of your progressive being.

Fight change by literally freezing yourself in amber. Hold a sap-collecting contest at Golden Gate Park with your friends. Whoever collects the most sap gets to drench you in it, preserving you in your late-twenties for eternity like a sticky, delicious mummy. Make sure to have your friends place you somewhere safe, away from the famous sweet-tooth coyotes of Diamond Heights who will surely lick you to death in an adorable viral video.

What a great party! Your friends get to compete over you, and you get to avoid ever having a birthday again. Everyone wins!

Party Idea #2: Turn Filbert and Hyde into a Waterslide

While we are on the subject of you being over the hill, let’s turn things around and find out a fun way to send you down hill. Hills are one of those twisted metaphors where either direction is bad: you are either “fighting an uphill battle” or “things are going downhill,” so it’s impossible to win, just like your life.

In any case, the hills of San Francisco are notoriously steep and out to get you from all sides, just like the metaphor we talked about above. Get those angled bitches back by gathering your buds and conquering the hill with a hose, floatie raft/trash can lid, and some good old fashioned gravity. Flood the street with water and race your friends to the bottom — get it, it’s a race to the bottom! Just like your life.

Party Idea #3: Go on a Victorian Walking Tour and Make it into a Drinking Game

Normally a birthday party tour would involve something more exciting, like a trolley bar crawl or one of those bike pedally things, but a) you already did that for your 24th birthday, and b) you are no longer limber enough for these types of activities. Instead, go on a Victorian walking tour with some Olds, who you belong with now. Remember that the Victorians of San Francisco are over 100 years old, which is almost as old as you. LOL.

Here are the rules to the drinking game:

1. Sign up for a Saturday morning tour with your friends.
2. Get a good night’s rest the night before, you can’t hang like you used to, you know.
3. Pack a flask of sherry, or something barrel-aged.
4. Remember that even the most-aged whiskey is something 23-Year, which is younger than you.
5. Cry.
6. Cry into your flask.
7. Drink the sherry first, though.
8. Did the tour group lose you already?
9. Drink every time you feel lost.
10. Wander into the wrong house, an Edwardian on Steiner that isn’t part of the tour.
11. Apologize profusely to the residents you have just intruded upon.
12. Realize they are 23-year olds pre-gaming for something dumb that makes them feel alive, and you want to feel alive too.
13. Maybe they didn’t notice you.
14. They did. You need to leave now.
15. Stumble back into the Victorian Tour and fake a British accent so no one suspects anything.

Party Idea #4: Crash Someone Else’s Birthday Party

Here in SF/Silicon Valley, thinking of your own idea is for suckers, wide-eyed believers of good. You’re jaded and past that. The patent system is broken, and we need real reform.

Anyway, for the worst planners among us, this is a great option that doesn’t require any work on your end. Acquire some seed funding from a squirrel in the park and start scanning the grassy knolls for good-looking, fun-loving young people with booze. Find them. Wonder why they aren’t friends with you. Shake off your negative thoughts — it’s your birthday and you deserve to be happy. Hold up a bottle of wine and say, “Hey guys! I made it!” and just act natural.* Everyone will assume you are there with someone else. Enjoy the free booze and friends for one fleeting, beautiful day.

* I did something like this in Vegas one time and it totally worked. Results may vary.

Party Idea #5: Maybe Just Book a Flight to New York City or Los Angeles or Something

If your birthday is in the “summer,” like mine is, you are guaranteed wind, fog, and everyone being out of town to escape the god awfulness of it all. Take the path of least resistance and join them. Reclaim your youth by staying out later than 1 am, for godsakes. Finally follow your dreams and never come back.

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Well, I hope this list inspired you! Feel free to vote for your favorite idea in the comments, and remember, these ideas are only good through your 29th birthday.