Spending time with the world right in front of you, a time warp if walked through faster with the blurs that dizzy from the drivers side but even more as a passenger, the side with the door that lets you in but is missing the handle to let you out, pressing the imaginary brake at the drivers speed, hard to just be in a vehicle without a long nosed buffer , everything is in your face and too fast, the driver feels in control but you sure as hell don’t. And that maybe is because that passenger really can’t see a documented proof of chaos from the dashboard.

I am not even going to tell you what I was trying to control in my life, but I had given in 2012, a two year window to get my life plan together .I can say that where I wanted to take myself ends in a grand finale, that I had hoped to get to my destination with everything in my limiting goals checked off, like in clicks of the tripometer , that eventually that my mind would start to day dream again and my foot would eventually fall asleep from lack of circulation. It’s the same with missing the nuances and the unique course that we could have taken if we were not so afraid of change and just let go of control. Just let go of the expectations, the tarot readings of who will be my next lover and praying to a god for only good things to come along. I had no idea that the grand ending for me was that as much for all the scares of death that happened to me this year ,at least, that I didn’t take my own life after all.

My spirit been in a small narrow space for almost 37 years , camped in a class C van’s 18 foot interior, hanging out, feeling safe , and taking a lot of naps. Never in my life have I been afforded to just exist and let all the things I feared about me bubble to the surface . Every current coping skill can’t keep my shadow self down. We need to integrate and just drive to the next mile marker, at least, even if that means that it is done driven in reverse, finished with a handicap placard ready to display when safely parked.

Under the dashboard , this past week , I’ve gone exploring why the interior dome light stopped working right to the fuse circuit board. This past week, I was sick and fraught with anxiety , the dome light challenge was motivating. I managed to understand, to the best of my ability , the inner workings of a dash board, and it’s a new layer of understanding 1977 technology, possibly a 1977 me. I feel comfortable now knowing where the controls are by touch , two pumps on the accelerator, the ignition and the key naturally now guide right in , turn it clockwise ,and the engine comes to life. Trouble shooting wiring and lights and fuses — It’s the new exciting thing that I get to do before it becomes repetitive , safe , timed and controlled. My god I hate that fate more than anything. And while I couldn’t get the dome light to work from under the dashboard , I did managed to find all the switches to brightly illuminate the van’s living quarters.