The Van -Phase one, Part two

It’s hard to acknowledge the prevailing small little repeating orbit that happens in my life’s destructive pattern which occurs when everything is feeling peaceful and predictable . It was hard enough to finally acknowledge that after a certain trigger, a small part of me orbits outside of my body and I stand , six foot 7 feet, usually behind my actual body in horror of all the things that I’m doing. It’s the Viking, the rape ,pillaging and plundering kind who stands back 20 feet . I believe I scare him when I lose control.

A good part of us are trained at first to brain storm ideas and intentions out first on paper and then set the steps to walk it through from the starting point of A through to the alphabet, hopeful it’s just to get to B to complete it- it doesn’t really take us too long in this era to get distracted, disappointed and redirected . Sometimes those little sketches of future hope stay in a notebook that a relative tosses after your expiration because they didn’t understand what you were thinking of doing, it didn’t make sense to them.

I’ve spent the last 4 days going to a flat file in an art studio, opening it looking at all the clean paper, the rejected images and trying to find a way to share this space . Some things need to be sacrificed , some things are in my head trying to make a story about it all, and it will be a Grimm tale when I get done with it.

I’ve spent the last 4 days in my condo community in the middle of the drama letting my neighbors have conversations with me so that everyone can try to make sense of the new information that we just received about our common interest. I joked with one vendor in front of a board member that when we live here , despite the chaos, the gift we receive living in the condo community is that we physically stop aging. Two years ago, I was the reactive one, now I’m the calm one watching everyone freak out, and it still looks odd.

Three months ago, the van came into my life, I heard her strong voice telling me what needed to be done in a very specific timely order for us to live together. She’s a fast runner when you step on the gas, and when I step inside the 6 foot tall living space, I sometimes have to bend my body a little to accommodate my viking height.