10 Signs You’re a Racist
Not about the President. Really.
For the latest several weeks, the statement “I am not a racist” has dominated the national conversation. No one wants to be a racist. In spite of this, commentators have turned the rhetorical onslaught against people of color to 12. Whether referring to Africa as a shit hole, or tossing off comments such as “lax” morals and “breeding is a form of government employment,” racial slurs crowd newsprint and the airwaves. Yet the speakers claim they’re not racist.
Not racist? Isn’t that like the man with the hood saying to the man in the noose, “I’m not racist. Hold my torch until I pour gasoline onto these coals under your feet.”
Having been raised Baptist in Texas, surrounded by racists who claim they are full of Jesus’ love for people they can’t stand, I stumbled across a few hints that my friends, family and loved ones were, in fact, racist. If you believe you’re not a racist, but say things that make people ask if you are, run through the following checklist:
You say “I’m not a racist” at least twice a week.
The fact that you need to tell people you’re not a racist most likely means they think you are. If the accusation comes from a Black Panther carrying a sign that says, “All whiteys can kiss my ass,” you can brush it off. If it’s your children, friends or a reporter responding to something you said, not so fast.
Unfortunately this test doesn’t work in the South because everyone and his neighbor is a closet racist. In those cases we move to test two.
You say, “I’m not a racist, but…”
If you open a statement with the qualifier, “I’m not a racist,” then the odds are you’re about to say something everyone but racists will interpret as racist. Something like, “they aren’t graduate student material,” or “why are so many of them in jail?”
If you open a statement with the qualifier, “I’m not a racist,” then the odds are you’re about to say something everyone but racists will interpret as racist.
Here’s a tip: If you know people will think your comment is racist before you say it, it’s racist. And if you’re not a racist, why do you need to say it?
You say, “I don’t hate black people (or Mexicans, or Moslems), but why do they have to…”
This is the end run version of “I’m not a racist, but.” You defend your comment by saying, “I didn’t say anything racist I just asked. Isn’t that fair? Or are you being one-sided too?”
So let me explain why this is just as bad in language you might understand.
- “I don’t think you people are racist, but why do you spend all your time blaming people in worse shape than you for your own fucking problems?”
- “I don’t think you people are racist, but why do you whine when college moves a black student with Bs ahead of you in admissions, when you finished high school with solid Cs. Why didn’t you study, apply yourself and earn As so they’d have to accept you?”
- “I don’t think you people are lazy, but why do you live in a shit hole house, drink beer all night, watch wrestling and whine about ‘the coloreds’ instead of seeking advanced professional training or getting more education to climb the promotion ladder?”
If those examples don’t give you a hint, you’re not a racist you’re an ignorant racist.
You feel compelled to point out undesirable characteristics or behavior
In fact you can’t help it. You’re compelled to point out how they wear their pants too low, can’t sing their music so they have to speak it, can’t learn English, worship Jesus the wrong way, have too many fucking kids,  aren’t good at anything except basketball and football (blacks) and baseball (Hispanics).
Might as well paint “racist” on your forehead because only racists feel the need to spout off crap like that.
You explain to people why you are not a racist.
Here’s a rule of thumb. When you explain why you aren’t something, odds are you’re exactly that. It’s called denial. And racists hate denial because all those Moslems swim in it.
Rule of thumb: When you explain why you aren’t something, odds are you’re exactly that. It’s called denial. And racists hate denial because all those Moslems swim in it.
You defend racists, not for their racism, but for their “good qualities.”
Everyone has good qualities if you dig deeply enough. A pedophile probably takes good care of his dog. Nazis loved music and the arts (as long as it was Wagner or Beethoven). Jeffrey Dahmer may have been an exceptional cook. The President likes greasy, heart-killing hamburgers.
Most go to church.
Having good qualities doesn’t make Jeffrey Dahmer any less dangerous and it doesn’t make racists any less racist.
You call any place where people of color live a shit hole. (Add an additional strike if you rent to them).
Do I really need to explain this one? It’s in the Book of Proverbs: “people who dig shit holes for a living shouldn’t throw turds.” 
The Book of Proverbs says: “people who dig shit holes for a living shouldn’t throw turds.”
You tell people, “I don’t know the proper term to call you.”
Or any variation of this statement, including “They call themselves niggers. Why can’t I?”
You don’t like being called cracker, white bread, redneck, hayseed or hick. You probably don’t even like “caucasian” because it has “asian” in it. People of color make less money, work harder, depend on government support more (which you want to take from them), have fewer opportunities for advancement, and are more likely to end up in jail. But you begrudge them the simple dignity of referring to them with respect?
Sounds racist to me.
You have a black friend, or co-worker or one goes to your church.
We all do. But we like our friends, we don’t parade them like trophies. Get over it. Only racists feel the need to point to them like badges of honor.
It’s important to you that people think you’re not a racist.
And why is it important that people think you’re not a racist? Because you’re scared to admit you are, even to yourself.
Option: You say, “you don’t hear me complaining about Asians.”
Of course not. You’re secretly afraid they’ll take over your company and you’ll end up having to kowtow to them. Which makes you a racist.
If you fit two or more descriptions, you’re probably a racist. Four, you are one. All ten and you’re the President. And if you don’t think he’s a racist, that’s hint 12.
If you don’t think the President’s racist, you definitely are.
: At the same time you complain about the fact that white people aren’t keeping up with “the breeders.”
: That one may not prove my point, but it’s the nicest thing I can think of to say about him.
: It’s not really in Proverbs, but since racists can’t tell the Bible from Mein Kampf, I think I can get away with the lie.
: I used the term because you would, and you would use it with pride.