Why You Can’t Get Over Your Ex: an Energetic Perspective

Roughly three quarters of my clients seek my services after experiencing a painful breakup. Many of them have a list twenty items long of things they hated about their ex or reasons he was an asshole, and usually have a hard time saying anything positive about the ex.

But they still miss him. They long to have him back. They just can’t get over him. Why?

When we’re in a relationship where we endure repeated mistreatment from our partner, we create an energetic imbalance. We know we do not deserve the abuse, yet for any number of reasons we endure it, sacrificing a part of ourselves in the process. When the relationship ends, the energetic imbalance remains. We feel incomplete, but we mistakenly believe it is the absence of our ex that is making us feel this way, when in reality it is the absence of an aspect of ourselves.

We unconsciously want to restore order. We want back the part of us that we gave away. We mistake this as a longing for the ex, but what we really long for is the wholeness we felt before a piece of us was taken and carelessly mistreated.

We unconsciously believe being back with the ex is what will restore this balance, but we are incorrect. Healing the bit of us that was broken — most often our self-worth or dignity — is what will bring us back to wholeness and ultimately help us get over the ex.

A good test is to monitor when you miss your ex the most. Do you miss him when you’ve had a lovely day with friends and you wish he was there to share it with? Or do you miss him when you are at your lowest, feeling pathetic and miserable just like how he made you feel? If the latter is true, its likely you’ve come to associate this kind of pain with your ex, but your mind has tricked you into thinking he is the salve to ease the pain, when in reality getting back with him will only cause more of it.

Look inside and ask what you sacrificed. What did you endure that you didn’t deserve? What did it cost you? Your self-esteem? Your pride? How can you heal and nurture that aspect of yourself?

Lucas Bane helps gay men heal from divorce and traumatic breakups. Click here to join my brand spanking new FaceBook group, The Joy of Ex. Meet like-minded LGBTQ individuals and learn to thrive post-breakup.