Clinical Psychologist Eva Benmeleh On Maternal Mental Health & Helping Women Overcome Perfectionism
Our readers are deeply inspired by stories of powerful women like you, who are making a significant impact. Please share your journey and the transformative work you are involved in.
I was primed and raised to be a psychologist since I was young. My Jewish family’s diverse heritage — Greek-Turkish on my father’s side and Costa Rican-Polish on my mother’s— along with my birth in Venezuela and upbringing in South Florida, allows me to easily connect with clients from various backgrounds.
As a child, I loved listening to family stories during gatherings. I preferred sitting with the men, whose conversations intrigued me more than the women’s gossip. Yet, I enjoyed dressing up with my grandmothers and hearing their stories of overcoming life’s challenges. These experiences sparked my early interest in analyzing human behavior, and I often found my observations accurate.
In my family, tradition and performance were paramount, and there were high expectations of success. As the firstborn, I felt the pressure keenly and became a perfectionist, anxious to meet every goal. Despite my achievements, I often felt something was wrong with me, believing that happiness would come with the subsequent success. However, that happiness was always fleeting or never arrived.
So, I did what every good girl did. I started a relationship with the perfect man, graduated college, pursued a clinical psychology graduate program, married, had two children before 30, and started my career. I aimed for perfection, but this relentless pursuit left me anxious and unfulfilled, seeking quick fixes instead of genuine solutions.
I kept waiting for my world to change without addressing my core wounds. Despite countless therapy sessions, workouts, and diets, I remained inflamed, irritated, and anxious. The harder I tried to “fix” myself externally, the worse I felt. The more compliments I received — “How do you do it all? You’re so good at this and that” — the more pressure I felt to keep proving myself, becoming trapped in a cycle of never-ending expectations. Could I show them I could do better and faster the next time? Isn’t it ironic? A psychologist who goes to therapy stating that I wasn’t addressing my core wounds? And yet, there is a difference — we can do all of the right things, but if we don’t address our inner child, our sense of self-worth and self-love, we are like hamsters on a wheel.
As psychologists, we’re taught not to discuss our issues, leading many to assume we have everything figured out. Back then, I was so ashamed of my inner wounding; it was like my body was creating a protective shield over my shame, pushing others away as my self-esteem plummeted. My self-righteousness peaked, straining my relationships. Juggling motherhood of two little children, a burgeoning private practice, and a marriage on the brink felt like a ticking time bomb. I felt like everything fell on my shoulders, and I couldn’t rely on anyone for help. I didn’t have a healthy relationship with my mother; though her opinions were often correct, I couldn’t bear to hear them and felt very alone in my struggles.
I hit rock bottom when my marriage fell apart, and I faced a choice: succumb to a narrative of failure and misery or use this crisis as a catalyst for rebirth and self-discovery. I chose the latter. It was tough, but I focused on building a better relationship with myself from a new standpoint. I knew I needed to go through this transformation before guiding anyone else on deep matters of the heart. I started meditating, exercising, eating healthier, and reflecting on my interactions with others.
I reevaluated my beliefs about motherhood, marriage, monogamy, religion, psychology, and traditional therapy. It feels like cracking open a snow globe that you thought was your life, breathing for the first time a new life. Removing each shard of glass is like letting go of outdated ideas to rebuild a new life.
I learned about setting boundaries and applying them. I immersed myself in books and in-depth pieces of training on spirituality, relationships, attachment styles, heart-brain coherence, feminine and masculine energies, consciousness, shadow work, parts work, and perfectionism. I attended meditation, breathwork, and inner child retreats, all to better understand myself and the human experience.
The more I learn, the more I realize we are here to master interdependence. Psychological diagnoses are often misunderstood. Many common disorders like depression and anxiety aren’t due to inherent brain malfunctions in chemistry or structure but stem from attachment issues with our parents, leading to misfiring and wiring in the brain. Much of our struggles involve codependence and enmeshment, resulting in dysfunctional and turbulent lives.
We often look to our parents and similar figures for validation, expecting them to change so we can feel loved and understood. However, the real challenge is recognizing their flaws and understanding their role in shaping our identities. Taking full accountability for our futures means understanding that our past experiences shape who we are today, and from this stance, we can make choices with awareness. This requires a solid yet flexible ego to see past our blind spots and accept responsibility. This is where your true strength resides.
Acknowledging and letting go of lifelong beliefs can be painful. This is a complex process to experience by yourself, without a guide or someone who has gone through it and can be your temporary compass through navigating this “no man’s land”. It involves navigating anger, resentment, and grief. This is the work I engage in personally and professionally. It’s powerful and transformative, turning dreams into reality. The best part is you stop wasting energy hoping others will change and instead focus on evolving yourself. Eventually, you see that those you once tried to change either transform on their own or no longer hold the same power over you. They were simply reflections of your wounds needing loving attention.
What catalyzed your journey as a clinical psychologist? What inspired you to work in the maternal mental health niche?
I have always been deeply interested in relationships, particularly the parent-child dynamic, as it shapes our sense of self: self-love, self-worth, and self-esteem. I tend to cut to the chase; I don’t like to waste time; this is our one life, and wouldn’t it be nice if we could capitalize on it to its fullest and enjoy it with those we love dearly? There’s clearly some perfectionism in this mindset, but it fuels my desire to help my clients see their toxic patterns, release them, and build upon their healthy beliefs to create a lifestyle they enjoy and are proud of.
Our relationship with our mother is the blueprint on which we base the quality of our friendships, body image, career choices, sensuality, financial success, romantic relationships, and parenting styles. Similarly, our relationship with our father can either buffer or exacerbate the issues arising from our bond with our mother.
Many of us don’t realize how profoundly early relationships impact us. As Peggy O’Mara wisely said, “The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.” It’s crucial to manage our emotions when raising children because these children will one day become parents themselves. Without intervention, dysfunctional patterns can persist across generations, breeding toxicity and pain.
If we were raised by parents who were sometimes disrespectful, critical, neglectful, or mean, we internalized these disappointments as representations of our unworthiness rather than recognizing that our parents were simply inept at handling various circumstances. Consequently, we continue to choose individuals who evoke those same feelings of unworthiness, perpetuating a cycle of self-criticism and shame. Even as adults, we adopt the same ruthless tone with ourselves that our parents used, making it challenging to succeed in our careers and romantic lives.
We often overlook that our parents are human, fallible, and doing their best with the resources they have. Our challenge is to love ourselves fully and see ourselves as autonomous individuals and integral parts of a group. These core issues resurface during the perinatal stage of a woman’s life. When treating a parent of an infant or young child, we are also treating the parent’s inner child, who has been traumatized and is reliving these experiences through their caretaking.
Women with dysfunctional relationships with their mothers often struggle during the perinatal stage, fearing they will repeat the same patterns with their babies. They mourn the relationship they never had, and in trying to avoid their mother’s mistakes, they may inadvertently reject and abandon themselves.
Maternal mental health is riveting to me. In each session, I help three generations simultaneously heal transgenerational traumas. This deep and extensive process addresses the root cause of my client’s issues. I support them in reaching these insights and releasing the emotional charges of painful memories with tender love, care, and tenacity.
Your services have garnered considerable attention from renowned clients. Please elaborate on the specific services or products you offer that have been particularly impactful.
I help overwhelmed women overcome perfectionism to live authentically structured, fulfilling, and carefree lives. We’re not chasing perfection but striving for peace, acceptance, and autonomy. Many perfectionists seek control to ease their anxiety, but what they truly desire is power. Power is vast, expansive, and timeless, while control is constricting, fear-based, and limited. I guide my clients to discern this difference in mind and body, which is liberating.
My work involves one-on-one therapy sessions in which clients learn about the various parts of their personality. By uncovering their light, shadow, and inner child, clients develop deeper self-compassion. These insights are, in turn, put into practice in their everyday situations, relationships with others, and themselves. They notice the difference in their reactions with others and within themselves. Soon, I will offer downloadable training for those who prefer self-paced work and in-person workshops for those inspired by group dynamics.
I also teach at universities and therapy centers on perfectionism, mindfulness, and maternal mental health. Teaching is my passion, and I learn from every workshop. Sharing cutting-edge research with the next generation of therapists excites me, as does integrating new insights into my lectures. I love seeing the lightbulbs go off in my audience and engaging in thought-provoking discussions. This continuous cycle of giving and receiving catalyzes change in ourselves and others at incredible speed.
We are sure your clients must have hugely benefited from your services. Would you like to share your client’s success stories with our readers?
I am always humbled and honored to be part of my clients’ transformative journeys. Many clients initially seek my help to change their child, spouse, parent, or job, believing that others must change for them to be happy. They are often disappointed when I explain that change must come from within them to see any differences in their circumstances. Some resist taking accountability, asking, “How many sessions will this take?” I usually respond, “When you are ready to see your role in all of this and have the faith and willpower to change, I will be by your side as far as we deem fit.”
Through this process, my clients have improved significantly: they’ve upgraded their careers, built stronger relationships with their children, switched from sleeping medications to natural sleep approaches, lost weight, and enhanced communication with their loved ones. They have learned to release victim consciousness and own their power. They learn when to step up and speak their truth and when to walk away. My clients express feeling fulfilled, embodied, and alive. They are no longer chained by the shame felt by perfectionism’s masks. They trust their intuition and make choices from that standpoint instead of fear.
We are almost in the middle of 2024! We would love to hear your thoughts regarding your business expansion for the remainder of the year. Enlighten us with your vision.
These are exciting times! My business model is evolving to be more inclusive and expansive. I am preparing to offer my services in various formats, including downloadable guides, online and in-person workshops, and one-on-one sessions. As I grow professionally, my circle of trust expands, allowing me to connect my clients with diverse therapeutic methodologies that complement our work.
I aim to provide services integrating mind, body, and spirit through traditional therapy practices, energetics, sound, and body movement. Holistic practices are essential for proper integration, leading to faster transformations and a more supported change process. You can only effectively address one aspect by considering the others; piecemealing the process only makes the journey bumpier and takes much longer.
What advice would you give someone looking forward to healing themselves from the inside out?
Take the leap. Stepping into the unknown can be terrifying, but do it anyway. Trust that timid whisper or exasperated scream that says, “I want and deserve different, better, happier!” You deserve it, and life is waiting just around the bend.
Ask for help. Tuning into your intuition takes practice, especially if you’ve spent most of your life silencing it to keep the peace, fit in, or put up with life. Some days may be painfully challenging, but don’t ignore those feelings — they signal it’s time for change.
Choosing the right guide is crucial to your journey. As you evolve, so will your guides. A good therapist, consultant, or coach mirrors who you are and supports your growth into a more competent, confident, and joyful version of yourself.
Combine analysis with bodywork. Emotional releases need insight to pave the way for deeper self-awareness and better lifestyle choices. Insight alone isn’t enough; it must be applied to new experiences. Witnessing your own behavioral changes and their impact on others is the only way to recognize your power and accountability.
Reading self-help books or solely attending therapy can only take you so far. Likewise, meditating, acupuncture, exercise, and other spiritual practices without analysis can keep you stuck in the same toxic patterns despite “healthy” habits. Integration is key. Learning the art of integration is humbling, softening, beautiful, and empowering. And, most importantly, remember to enjoy the process. It’s really not about the destination. The journey is sprinkled with a plethora of beautiful, awe inspiring, incredibly credible moments that are meant just for you- to savor, to develop, to grow from.
Where can our readers find your work? How can they connect with you?
Readers can connect with me via my Instagram account @dr.evabenmeleh. They can book a free consultation with me via my Website www.drevatherapy.com.
My children’s book about divorce is for sale on Amazon.
