The difficulty with being me is caring about you
Would I be me without you?
I joked in a chat in the comments with a good friend. I said that I might not have written it that way if I thought anybody was going to read it.
My need to express governs so many pieces I write, deep emotions I need to transfer to a character, an aspiration for the world or response to some inspiration or interaction.
Simple I feel I write. Publish and be damned.
Then that warrior turns into a wimp waiting for a response, the thumbs up or the dreaded lukewarm reaction.
The roller coaster of acceptance and emotional elevation or crushing perceived rejection.
You have done all this to me on a good or a bad day without any intent or even awareness on your part.
My fear of rejection erupts leaving me convinced That I’m too much, too little, too weird or worst too boring and predictable.
The warrior is not afraid of people’s judgement, but the fear can’t believe even the nice comments.
The fear believes one bad article will be the straw that will break the camel’s back.
The fear believes you’re only here out of kindness.
The fear believes I’ve already blown it by saying too much.
The warrior suggests I should have more faith in people and myself.
Yet I’m blaming these attitudes on you and you haven’t said a word.
My guide comes in and says share the crazy.
I’m neither great nor terrible I’m me.
A song comes on for the first
So mysterious yet
So incredibly real
It’s an uncharted sea, it’s an unopened door
But you gotta reach out and you gotta explore
Even though you’re not sure till the moment arrives
Within these words are the reasons I write: do I let my fear stop me? Afraid to hurt or let you down.
Do I replace your positive voices with limiting and hurtful voices of the past?
Do I shrink my hope, silence the voice to become unnoticed and allow the unworthiness to control me.
Not today, today I publish this and I shine a light on the shadow of fear that can regroup any time.
The song on the radio says
“maybe I was afraid before, but I’m not afraid anymore”
If I can forgive myself for my fear, I can forgive myself for my brilliance.
Am I the only one that thinks this way?
It’s not you, it’s me.
They left to enter the darkness confident of more magic.
The Victory of light over darkness and knowledge over ignorance.
Love yourself, Love life, Love each other, and Create Magic!
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