Things that might help heal childhood trauma.
Inspired by an article by Chantel Christie Weiss.
I am sharing my experiences from working in self-help groups some time ago. The points I am sharing were the experiences of group members. Everybody's experience is unique.
The aim of the group was to break the isolation and provide support and respect. This article is written in the same spirit.
If anything written here helps anybody reduce their ill-deserved shame, giving a broader view of the subject may help debunk some myths.
Before I discuss the uncomfortable truth or challenge a few myths, here are a few common responses for lots of people who have been abused.
There are no wrong ways to deal with your Trauma.
Trauma is trauma, don’t minimize yours in comparison to others.
Any feelings you have about the trauma are valid, don’t let anybody tell you how you should deal with it. Suggestions are fine but healing comes from developing inner trust which helps you do what feels right. At the right pace for you.
Issues can come out of nowhere years into adulthood. They may be triggered by your child reaching the age when your abuse started. This is not the only trigger.
Flashbacks can be normal for some people.
It’s normal to be angry, it’s easier to channel that than identify the contrasting and scary emotions.
It’s normal to have a bleak view of the future.
It’s normal to have trust issues, why wouldn’t you?
It’s normal for some people to blame themselves, nobody else is taking responsibility.
It’s normal to have a self-destruct button, without working through your feelings, happiness can be threatening and you want to control when it ends. Misery and failure are not guaranteed, but you may find this hard to believe.
It’s normal to be overwhelmed by emotion, an outlet is vital, not everybody can cope with your pain, Some loved ones won’t want to see your pain, because they feel too helpless. External help can give you an outlet, and a loved one can create a safe space where you can build trust.
It’s normal to find the lack of closure and the injustice difficult.
It’s normal to struggle to get justice, some families will be pressured against it.
It’s normal to be unsure who to let your children see.
It’s normal for people to create a normal and happy life at some stage.
The myths.
The survivor hates the abuser.
No doubt for some this is true. But for lots of survivors, it’s just not that simple, the abuser can give love and support in other areas of the survivor's life. A loving relationship may have been formed before the abuse started. Sometimes it was the only attention the survivor received. If only it was that straightforward.
The survivor hated the abuse.
No doubt for many this is true. But the body is a machine that responds to stimuli regardless of your feelings or the interaction. Some people don’t even know it’s wrong and abnormal until they speak to friends at school.
The survivor doesn’t like sex.
Again this may be true for many. But others thought they had higher than average sex drive and others said they were promiscuous. They all wrestled with the question: without the abuse would that be normal? Or is their response to sex completely due to the abuse? A question they can only guess at.
Once the survivor tells somebody about the abuse it stops.
Again this can be true. But for lots, they are disbelieved or dismissed. For some, they are treated like a liar and left more vulnerable and scared in another way.
The abuse stops when you’re older.
For most people hopefully, this is true. But for some, it can carry on into adult life. I found this really difficult to understand until I went home to my gran to look after her after she had a stroke. I was making her a meal in the kitchen and I dropped the plate, my gran came in and I felt like a child again. I understood how in certain situations we can regress and surrender to people who have had power over us. A lot of survivors enter abusive relationships due to low self-esteem, this can lead some people into believing they don’t deserve better.
Parents protect their children when they know someone is a threat.
For a lot this is true, but people have experienced older siblings disclosing their abuse, only for the abuser to have unsupervised access to younger children.
I have listed some myths that can create guilt and shame in the survivor. The courage that survivors have to confront the confusion around the abuse, some people can still receive pressure from family to remain silent and suppress their truth.
I remember fondly the growth of group members and how they worked tirelessly towards self-acceptance and love.
You are unique, beautiful, and not defined by the experience, sometimes it’s difficult to focus the mind on the future and transcend the past, but not impossible.
My wife Lisa was not sure I should write this, I understand it may not go down well. I was inspired by an article by a brave author on medium, shine a light in the darkness and clear the shame.
What’s your view on the subject?
The Prophet, Kahlil Gibran on Pain
Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.
And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy.
And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.
And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.
Thank you for reading.
