Why do spiritual people find it hard to forgive themselves?
This article could go very wrong. It may be safer not to write it, but truth doesn’t grow through silence. I recently started to take responsibility for interactions from the past. I asked what if it wasn’t all their fault?
I was horrified when I opened that can of worms, that I could find so much evidence that I hurt lots of people I loved, some very badly. The closest are always hurt when you release a hand grenade of selfish entitlement thrown from a place of damage and self hatred.
I believed they started the war. Two damaged people had their land mines set for their partner to walk onto. Sometimes we act like medics trying to fix the partners wounds, while refusing to accept we are bleeding.
I found it easy once out of range of the missiles to stop firing mine. It always felt like a cease fire and rarely a peace where we could both see to our own wounds safely. My ego created stories that helped me feel better, but each one took me to a less authentic me.
I believe spiritual growth and pain are strongly linked. So the pain I took from their actions or inactivity, was a doorway to deeper spiritual growth. These interactions were invitations to grow and prosper. So there was nothing to forgive.
We place expectations on loved ones, they will understand, love, and protect us. From this place we are vulnerable to twisting the well meaning advice for the possibility of positive growth, as an attack on the ego and the battle starts.
So the question is: Why do spiritual people find it so hard to be forgiven or forgive themselves? I believe because our intent is to heal, the idea of hurting somebody whether intentionally or not goes against everything we stand for and because of this we judge ourselves much harder. We can look at these interactions as us failing to reach our best vision for the person, instead of giving them the opportunity to grow.
We can see, on a good day, that the person was damaged and doing their best to fix it or they are damaged and content with their effect on others. With compassion we can understand their limitations at the time. This is not to condone anything they did, wrong is wrong and actions have consequences. Why do we have less compassion for our limited self?
Why do we still feel guilt when the hurt we caused others has been transformed into growth? I suggest, our ego chooses to believe that actions and control over others is greater than their power to grow and transcend. Like so many other things, the ego is wrong.
I can see the pain I have received being transformed into growth. I have learnt not to fire the first missile, put down less land mines and talk before firing. I am genuinely sorry for lots of things I’ve done in the past. But I am also proud and privileged to be part of their unfolding journeys to being the beautiful person I first saw, before the war.
A parting thought that is uncomfortable to even suggest, we could live in a world where damaged people and monsters are the greatest spiritual teachers. If that is true, the damaged you can add as much to spiritual growth as your developed self, all part of the same river of growth.
Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed it. Please comment, clap and or follow.
