Culture

Gay Recruitment Strategy Will Be Based on Coffee Orders

An Iced, Sugar-Free, Vanilla Latte With Soy Milk Will Soon Have A New Definition

Gwen Saoirse
Dec 17, 2018 · 3 min read
Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

WASHINGTON — Sources within the Gay Agenda Administration say that leadership is hoping to capitalize on the popularity of caffeinated beverages to boost recruitment of new lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender individuals. By changing the various categories of sexual and gender identities to resemble the names of coffee drinks, the administration hopes to increase recruitment by 3% year over year.

Studies have shown that LGBTQ-identifying individuals are at a much greater risk of social stigmatization, harassment, and even violence, which inhibits recruitment efforts. Even just the word “gay” is often used as a derisive adjective.

“It took me several years to choose to be gay because it just isn’t seen as a desirable lifestyle,” shared Jerome Wittenberry, a gay man who was successfully recruited in 2008 at the age of 27.

Leadership is also hopeful that the new categorization system will reduce confusion among new recruits.

“The recruiter wanted to bring me in as an androgynous cisgender masculine-of-center gay demisexual,” says Wittenberry. “That is just a mouthful. If the option to be a ‘Triple, Venti, Soy, No Foam Latte’ had been available to me, I would have signed up much earlier.”

“My friend is from Quebec, Canada, and before he was recruited to be gay, he was a Catholic. Under the new system, he would obviously be a Tim Hortons Double Double latte with maple drizzle.”

The Gay Agenda leadership team is excited about the new strategy. Multiple sources familiar with the new system say that projections show by the year 2037 LGBTQ-identifying individuals would be in the majority throughout the U.S. and Canada.

“These estimates are based on US computer modeling systems, and as such, they are extremely conservative,” said one source, on the condition of anonymity. “Some of the European models show an LGBTQ majority by the year 2029.”

News of the new strategy has reached right-wing religious groups. Anthony Parkins, President of the conservative political action group No Focus On Flouncy Families (No-FoFF), states, “Not only will this wreak havoc on families across America, but it also has the insidious secondary effect of ruining coffee for the faithful and righteous among us. I no longer understand what my Grande, Iced, Cane-sugar, Hazelnut Latte With Lamb’s Milk stands for now.”

“I simply can’t risk ordering something that could be associated with homosexuality, especially after that incident in the airport two years ago. I guess I’m gonna have to switch to energy drinks now. I don’t know how else to stay awake for relations with my wife,” lamented Parkins.

“He would be safe ordering a plain coffee, but he definitely needs to take it easy on the cream and sugar,” remarked one agenda administrator.

Multiple sources confirmed the rollout timing of the new recruitment categorization system is planned for late in the second quarter of 2019.

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Thanks to Eric Griggs

Gwen Saoirse

Written by

Saoirse is pronounced "seer sha" - Gaelic for freedom. I have tasted it and I thirst for it. As a transgender woman, I want my LGBTQ+ community to achieve it.

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