Not Racist, Just a Preference: Racism and the LGBTQ Experience
Imagine you’re a single queer man on a Friday night. You’ve had a stressful week at work, and you need to let off some steam. You want a hookup, and something with no strings attached. So you go on the standard hookup apps, like Grindr or Scruff, and you browse. You swiping up on your phone and you come across a guy who piques your interest(i.e. he’s hot). You scroll his profile. You’re very intrigued…until you see something like this:
“Not into black or latino guys. Not racist, just a preference”
It gives you pause. Maybe he’s not racist. Maybe he’s just immature. Maybe he supports Black Lives Matter but never saw himself with a black guy. You shrug it off because you’re not looking for Mr. Right. You’re looking for Mr. Right Now. You keep scrolling. You see another hot guy and click on his profile. Something else also makes you do a double take. On his profile, he says:
“ONLY into black guys!”
You think, “Really? You’re only into guys with one skin tone?” You move on because that gives you the creeps. Your search for a fun night ends with you being disgusted and instead watch the new episodes of Queer Eye on Netflix and crack open a can of White Claw.
This hypothetical situation is not unusual. For all of the equality LGBTQ people have asked for and strived for in our collective lives, it often doesn’t show up in their dating lives. Gay men, especially white cis gay men, are some of the most racist men I’ve ever met in my entire life. It shows into situations I spoke like the one I wrote about in the hypothetical situation above. People either have a huge aversion to a certain race or skin tone, or they fetishize a certain race and only want a fantasy that comes with how a person looks.
To be honest, I’ve never dealt with this because SURPRISE…I’m white. However, I have seen people’s descriptions and profiles on apps that display this blatantly racist thinking. There have actually been studies done on this. The National LGBTQ Task Force spoke about Racism in Gay Dating Apps. You can read the study here. One of the highlights of the article talks about the personal experiences of queer persons of color:
Another person I know is Black but has self-identified as mixed-race on Grindr because he gets little attention when he identifies himself as Black. And the attention he does receive for identifying as Black isn’t favorable — it’s frequently unsolicited and racialized. For instance, one white man asked him, “Do you wanna make a white man your slave?” Another white man refused to believe he was Black, citing his “Chinese-looking eyes.”
That is insane. I know there are many factors that play into the way these garbage people think. However, I want to focus on two specific factors today. First I want to focus on online anonymity. Online anonymity has given racists an avenue to write bold and racist dialogue. This truth is obviously not a gay issue, but a systemic issue in our country. This has been especially evident in the swath of protests that have followed since the death of George Floyd. This anonymity has also brought into light the subhuman treatment trans people of color face on a day-to-day basis. Two trans people of color have already been violently murdered since Floyd’s death on May 25. What many white queer people seem to forget is that the modern Pride movement was started by trans people of color. Marsha P. Johnson and Sylvia Rivera are widely considered two of the main voices of opposition during the Stonewall Riots in June 1969. Marsha P. Johnson and Sylvia Rivera were the pioneers in LGBTQ activism, not pretty white Instagays. The quicker the whole queer community can fully remember that, the better we’ll be.
This leads perfectly into my second point of why gays are often racist when it comes to dating. We can be quite vain. That extends into dating. Have you ever heard of boyfriend twins? Or how about the term doppelbänger? This is a way to categorize guys who date people who only look JUST like them. If you’d like to take a look at some examples, visit Boyfriend Twins of Tumblr.
Dating someone that looks exactly like you may not be inherently racist. I don’t know the dating histories of any of these guys featured above, but I do know that they’re with or were with someone that looks just like them. I do know that it’s creepy, because it says that you’re the ideal physical representation of what you need in your life.
After this, you may be saying, “Jay, you completely dismantled my racist views, and I’m forever a changed person because of you. How can I help others and society as a whole be more open and accepting?” First of all, I’m not that effective of a writer. I’m good, but not dismantling deeply held subconscious beliefs with one blog post good. We always need to work on dismantling our personal racist world views, and the systemic oppression of BIPOC(black, indigenous, people of color) in this country. Here are some quick things you can do to start making our world, and especially the LGBTQ world, a more diverse and welcoming place.
Educate Yourself
That’s pretty easy to do, because there are an infinite amount of resources available to educate yourself on the culturally ingrained problems our society has with black people. First, find resources written by BIPOC. Reading about genuine experiences leads to genuine change. One book I’m reading right now is “How to be an Anti-Racist” by Ibram X. Kendi. It’s a tough but great book because it looks at the powerful ways black people have been set up to fail in this country, and what it means to be anti-racist, instead of just “not racist”.
Approach this problem in multiple forms of media, too. Listen to a podcast, watch a movie, or watch a TV show. Amazon, Netflix, and Hulu are highlighting black programming right now. Netflix just added the second/most current season of “Pose”, a show I have touted on this blog before. Pose is a drama that focuses on queer people of color in New York and the underground ballroom scene.
Word of Advice: Don’t ask black people to educate you. It’s not their job to educate you. Seek it out yourself.
Call It Out
It’s important to call out racist crap when we see it, even if it’s not overt white supremacy. I mean, you’ll have PLENTY of opportunities to combat overt white supremacy, but racist ideologies take many different forms. This diagram below is super powerful.
When you see the overt white supremacy, like the KKK or burning crosses, everyone recognizes that as wrong. However, have you ever heard, “I’m not racist. I have a black friend”? Also, from my Christian perspective, have you ever seen white people go to Africa on a missions trip for a week or two, and then come back and posting their fun pictures, only to leave the work they started, and to not continue the same type of work at home? It’s known as White Savior Complex. Take a look at one of my favorite instagram pages: White Savior Barbie. It speaks satirically into the mindset of missionary tourism, and it’s inherent racist tones.
We have to nip these microagressions and displays of racism “in the bud”, as Barney Fife said on “The Andy Griffith Show”. That means checking yourself at all times, and being aware when someone might be slipping. Above all, give yourself and others grace in this process. You and everyone else will mess up, and it’s a long road towards being an anti-racist. God gives us grace. We should do the same for ourselves and for others.
Take a Chance…on a Date
This one is the most light-hearted one of the three, and focuses on my unattached and single readers. You may be getting getting into a rut of dating the same type of people over and over again, or hanging out with people that look the exact same. I say…take a chance on going on a date with someone who looks different than what you’ve always dated. Set your standards for a partner based on stuff that doesn’t rely on physical appearance. Someone who is funny, ambitious, kind, intellectual, family-oriented, musically talented…all of that extends over all races. So take a chance on someone. Take a chance on a date. You might find that the process will lead you to a partner you would never expect.
These types of actions won’t end the systemic oppression brought on to black people and other people of color overnight. However, we need to do these things to gain a perspective that’s different from ours. I’m a cisgender white man. I’m very privileged. I have to not only acknowledge and address my privilege, but use the inherent advantages given to me by default by society to bring them to the front. I can’t be just not racist. I have to be anti-racist. If I can do that by calling out my fellow queers for being racist and gross, then I will. Find where you can make change in your own world, and be the light that is needed for everyone!
