America Gave Us the Shaft

When you turn 18 in America it’s kind of cool, right? You can finally buy cancer, you get to gamble in a few states (but primarily you can only bet on horses, dogs or play bingo for money), join the military, and vote. But in all reality it actually stinks! You are still 3 years away from being able to legally consume alcohol, you get tried as an adult in court, and if you are male you have to sign up for selective service (also known as “the draft”). Even in the states, where you can legally go to a casino, it isn’t that cool. Who wants to spend all their money sober? Yuck! If I’m going to the casino I’m wearing a suit, I’m drinking whiskey (even though it sucks), and I’m smoking a fat cigar; Big Baller status!

When you turn 18 in Canada it fucking slaps (in certain provinces)! You can legally crack cold ones with the boys while still in high school! And if you’re a girl, well, you can drink too! Even in the lame provinces of Canada, the drinking age is 19, which sets you up to legally drink all or most of your collegiate career. Imagine waking up one day (your birthday) in Canada and all of a sudden you can legally smoke cigs, drink beer, gamble, vote, and join the army… Now that is what everyone’s first day of adulthood should be like!

Now by this point some people are prolly (hipster term for probably) reading this and telling me to move to Canada; just know that the drinking age is also 18 in Mexico, so I have options. But I’m only a few months away from 21, so it would be worthless now. Moving on. Could you imagine you and your friend group hitting up the bars instead of a house party in your senior year of high school? Or being at the said house party and not having to worry about getting in trouble with the law when it gets busted? Or you and your friends making a roulette wheel your bitch? This all sounds so surreal at 18 (or 19 in the sissy parts of Canada) but it’s actually a reality just to our north and south. I’m not saying we should all move to Canada or Mexico (I’m also not against it), but in reality, America should just man the fuck up. We are being super lame while our next door neighbors are throwing sick parties!

Semi-relevant side note: Remember when all of those celebrities said they would move to Canada if President Trump won the election? Did any of them actually go? Also wouldn’t it have been a stronger political message if the celebrities said they were moving to Mexico since that is the country he threatened block with a wall? Is the wall still supposed to go up? Is this actually a semi-relevant side note? Or is it a just a random side note? Either way I’m keeping it in here.

Back to America being a baby back bitch; how can we advertise to be the greatest country, while letting Mexico and Canada out-drink us? The best fraternities on campus are the ones with the best parties. This most likely applies to countries too…

In regards to the drinking age still being 21, it comes down to inertia. This is the way things have been since 1984 (people forget the drinking age used to be 18) and trying to shake up the system, while not being able to reap the rewards (passing laws takes forever) just does not seem worth it. I like to pretend when President Trump says “make America great again” he is referring to lowering the drinking age back to 18.

One more thing: Imagine not having to buy a fake ID in college. That’s almost $100 worth of beer you’ll never get back. Sad!


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