The Lonzo Ball Story: Before it Happens

Website: The Kicker

First things first, I like Lonzo Ball. A lot. Now people saying he’s the next Jason Kidd? Preposterous. I want to see him thrive, and I want to see LaVar leave him alone. But… I don’t think that’s gonna happen. Here’s my messed up version of what could. Keep in mind this is all a product of my imagination.

Los Angeles Doesn’t Pick Lonzo

This first part is key. Lonzo doesn’t go to the Lakers, and it turns out Lonzo doesn’t care. LaVar, on the other hand, throws an absolute tantrum. He calls Magic Johnson an idiot, along with some other unkind words, and challenges him to several games of 1-on-1 over the next several years. Meanwhile, the Phoenix Suns have found their Point Guard of the future, and Lonzo couldn’t be happier to be in a smaller market without all the media.

Lonzo Disappoints in Phoenix

He isn’t Steve Nash or Jason Kidd or even Eric Bledsoe, but he also isn’t a complete bust. Once again, Lonzo doesn’t care. He doesn’t have to worry about the spotlight. He turns out to be a solid backup point guard behind Tyler Ulis in his first three years with Phoenix. LaVar grows increasingly frustrated with the situation and starts to make waves in the media about the other Suns players, so the Suns deal Lonzo, Marquese Chriss, and two first rounders to the Knicks for De’Aaron Fox, who turned out to be an absolute superstar.

Lonzo in New York

LaVar is thrilled to be in New York, but Lonzo is not. LaVar attempts to rake in every endorsement possible, promising that Lonzo will still be the best player of all time. Lonzo averages 5.2 points, 2.1 rebounds, and 4.7 assists, and is clearly not on his way to becoming even the best player on the Knicks. Lonzo is on the brink of insanity dealing with the whole situation.

LaMelo at UCLA

LaMelo Ball is in his freshman season at UCLA, and is projected to be a late first rounder because of the way Lonzo turned out. LaVar’s attention switches to the younger son, who he proclaims will go to the NBA and make Lonzo “look like an infant on the court”. He follows that claim by disowning Lonzo publicly. To nobody’s surprise, Lonzo is happy as can be.

International Superstar

With his father off his back, Lonzo immediately quits the NBA, finds his old UCLA teammates (who were all busts as well), and starts a Chinese League superteam. The Dongguan Leopards go on to win 8 straight Chinese Basketball Association championship. Lonzo Ball is known as the Bill Russell of Chinese Basketball. LaVar makes several attempts to reconnect with Lonzo after LaMelo becomes a bust in the NBA as well. Lonzo has no interest and instead signs LaMelo to the Chinese team. When Lonzo retires, LaMelo wins 5 more championships with a team of mostly his high school teammates. With no source of income, and no family, LaVar takes a job at ESPN and becomes the other half of First Take alongside Stephen A. Smith.

The end.

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