The Magical Truth Behind 2020
What the Muggle Media won’t tell you!
Merlin’s Beard! 2020 has been enchantingly nasty, hasn’t it? Everything that could go wrong has gone wrong, making life more miserable than anything humanity has ever experienced. From wildfires, to plane crashes, to a seemingly never-ending global pandemic, to locust swarms, murder hornets, blood-sucking ticks, to countless earthquakes, hurricanes and floods, it seems like really God has it in for us. Or does he?
Well, hold your Hippogriffs, because this reporter has the scoop for you!
There I was, aimlessly sitting around, in my 4759th week of quarantine, when a ladybug landed on my desk and began speaking(!). According to the ladybug, its name is Rita Skeeter, and it was a reporter for the Daily Prophet. It had a message for us all:
The Dark Forces have risen again, and the Wizarding World is at War!
Now I know what you must be thinking, but this isn't a joke! In fact, the proof was right in front of us all along! Let’s look at the facts:
- We know from reading the first chapter, titled ‘The Other Minister’ of ‘Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince’ about the effects of a wizarding war on the muggle world. This is clear if one reads the following lines:
“people really did seem more miserable than usual. Even the weather was dismal; all this chilly mist in the middle of July…It wasn’t right, it wasn’t normal…”
Hmm, miserable people, unusual weather, sound familiar?!
The book further goes on to describe freak hurricanes and high profile deaths, both of which is something we’ve all collectively seen happening this year.
- Secondly, we all know how the elitist dark wizards just love to exert their power over us muggle and to see us suffer. Is it really a stretch to assume they created all these “natural” disasters and set them upon us? After all, we’ve seen them create insects out of thin air (“Eat Slugs!”) and changing weather conditions at will. Still don’t believe me? Look at these pictures:
According to Rita Skeeter, it’s unclear at the moment as to who’s at the helm of this uprising, although the name Umbridge keeps popping up (that would explain the sheer sadistic nature of this year).
Other updates from Rita skeeter include:
- Harry Potter and the other Aurors have been hard at work trying to quash the attacks. The Ministry has requested all wizards to come outside at 5 pm and light up their wands in honour of their efforts.
- In a completely unrelated move, the ministry has cut funding from the Aurors department.
- Hermione Granger, The Minister Of Magic, was unavailable for comment (Apparently, she’s not a fan of Rita).
- The O.W.Ls and N.E.W.Ts have been postponed indefinitely. Apparently some administrations do care about their students’ lives.
- Some wizards have decided that there are no dark forces out there, and have chosen to go out, without their wands, completely unprotected. Those wizards are now dead.
- During the war, traditional communication methods were cut off. Some nifty wizards came up with a new innovative communication platform, called Broom.
- Movement in Diagon Alley has been restricted, only firewhiskey and butterbeer are being sold.
- Gringotts has gone cashless. Everyone’s using Goblin Pay now!
However, it’s not all bad news. A source from inside the ministry informs us that, as long as we have hope, the world will be back to normal in no time.
So there you have it folks, smile, read books, attend classes, spend time with your loved ones, and think happy thoughts. Dark magic brought this time into our lives, but as a very wise man once said,
“Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.”
Lumos!
