The Meaning of Life is to Live a Meaningful Life
This read won’t be for everyone.
Every now and then as I make my way through this crazy journey, I am confused as hell. Other times, I have real moments of clarity.
In the past ten years, I’d say that I’ve really grappled with, and after a recent near death experience, come to terms with my mortality. Not an easy thing to do.
I still have questions sometimes.
I grew up religious. Raised Lutheran, I went to church every Sunday as a child. I went to Sunday school, and then as I got older, I got to attend church with the grown-ups. That was definitely a level up situation for me as a child. I also attended vacation Bible school during the summer and sang in the church choir. I’ve been baptized, confirmed, had my first communion. Basically, I’ve been through all of the rituals and rites of passage that my religion required of me, as one of the faithful.
I have absolutely nothing but the most positive experiences to look back on when it comes to my youth in the church. Absolutely wonderful people, family, and experiences. Everything was wonderful. No inappropriate situations, nothing even remotely close to a negative, actually. I want to make sure that I’m clear on this, because a lot of people shy away from religion due to negative experiences they’ve had. Aside from a few judgmental people that I’ve come across along the way (who doesn’t in church), I have absolutely nothing negative to say. My experiences were wonderful, and I have no doubt at all that I’m a better person for having experienced them.
So, why don’t I believe anymore?
I grew up in a smaller town during my younger years, and then around the age of ten we moved to a city of about 250,000 people. Everything that I knew changed. I was exposed to all kinds of people that I hadn’t been exposed to before, and realized that there were different beliefs, religions, cultures, foods (YES!), and so many other differences that drew me in. The schools I ended up going to once we moved were totally multicultural. After finding my place in this mixture — as much as one can as a child, when we’re still figuring out who we are in the first place — I started to ask myself some much bigger questions.
I can remember being in high school, and ditching class with a friend of mine who was Muslim. Funny enough, we were ditching our World Religion class (no kidding). We were being badass kids — ditching class, sharing a cigarette, and spending the time talking to each other about our respective religions. This conversation will never be forgotten. This person really made an impact on my life. A genuinely beautiful human being, inside and out. Us having these conversations was effortless. There was nothing uncomfortable about it, and we were both genuinely interested in what the other had to say. I really liked a lot of what she was telling me about her relationship with Islam. There were a lot of similarities between our religions, and this was the first time that I had found out that Jesus actually existed in the Quran — not as the messiah, but as a prophet. I thought that was really cool! She asked me some questions too, about how we thought of Jesus as the messiah, and what the holy trinity meant. This was probably the best use of our World Religion class time that either of us ever had a chance to experience.
I started to think about my religion, and she started to think about hers, both of which openly condemn the other, and tell us that those who don’t believe as we do will be going to hell. The bigger questions were coming now. Again, it’s not because I had any anger or contempt towards my own religion. All of my experiences had been good! It was a safe place for me, the basis of my faith — it was what told me where I was going to go when I died someday, provided I was a believer…but…why couldn’t my friend come, too? Why would this wonderful person who shared some very similar beliefs, but prayed to a different god than I did, not be invited to heaven when she passed away someday?
I just didn’t get it. Talking to family and others about this, asking how this could be possible, I got the same answer over and again: ‘Well, it’s too bad, but people need to understand that if they don’t believe in Jesus, then they can’t go to heaven when they die.’
What a load of shit. That’s when I stopped believing.
Not only did I stop believing, but I was angry! Good and angry! I had already gone through some struggles with my faith over the years due to losses and experiences in my life that I couldn’t understand. I got through those, but this? This to me was simply unacceptable. I couldn’t wrap my head around it, and I didn’t want to. What kind of a god could condemn millions or even billions of people, simply for not sharing the same belief system, when it’s not what they were born into? It was condemning the innocent, and I wasn’t having it.
No more religion for me.
So, I ended up going through my twenties doing the things that most people in their twenties do. I finished college at 21, moved out west to Calgary and the Rockies for about six years at 25, then in my early thirties, I moved back to where I’m from. Thus began the most difficult decade of my life, and only now that it’s going to end this year, do I finally feel like I’m ready to share it.
Where shall I start……I’m thinking that this is as good a place as any…
During my last couple of years out west, I had really started to grapple with a lot of the big questions in life. What was really going to make me happy? What wasn’t going to make me happy? It’s amazing how important it is to ask yourself the latter of these two, by the way. It was during this time that I learned just how unimportant money and relationships of convenience are. You can be surrounded by the most beautiful four walls in the world, but if you’re unhappy, you can be surrounded by every luxury money can buy, and you’ll never see it. So, the relationship I had at the time ended. I was genuinely unhappy, and I needed to move on. To where? I had absolutely no idea.
I moved out of the beautiful condo that he and I shared together, into a place that was perfect for just one person. I still had a beautiful view of the mountains, and I was surrounded by nature and beauty. I was still incredibly unhappy, though. I was drinking a lot, which had started during the failed relationship, but continued once it was over. I mean, I was nearly 30, and still hadn’t settled down yet. What the hell was wrong with me?? I had never been able to stay with someone I knew I didn’t love, though. As hard as it was, it was the right thing.
So…now what?
I went through a lot of incredibly difficult situations during this time. My entire existence came to a head when I flew home to surprise my Oma (grandmother) for her 80th birthday. I looked around at everyone, and everyone was older, there were a bunch of kids I had never seen before and more on the way, and my mom and stepdad were visibly older. This was the moment I knew that it was time to come home. I was alone out west. Sure, I loved it and I did have friends that I enjoyed spending time with, but I didn’t really have a bestie or a partner to get out and enjoy the things I loved with. I did a lot of hiking, snowboarding, and taking pictures on my own. I really did enjoy it, but going home again made me realize how nice it feels to be close to the people who know you best. By the following spring, I had moved back.
I’ve had a lot of successes and hardships since I’ve been back. Definitely come to a lot of realizations as well. My mom and stepdad divorced, and a few years later my stepdad passed away. I’d had another failed relationship. I had some serious career successes and failures — but still had no idea what I wanted to do, exactly. I was still drinking quite a bit. I was grappling with my beliefs, what the point of life was, what the hell my purpose was. Why was I here?! I was mad, frustrated, tired, and ready to get to the other side of this transition — PLEASE!! It had been years of going in circles. I’d had enough!
The universe listens though, and if you’re listening too, it’s going to send you the people and the information that you’re looking for. You need to pay attention, though. I ended up crossing paths with an elderly couple during monthly trips to the casino. I take my Oma and her friends out to the casino for a day of fun each month. I do some freelance work while they have fun on the machines. It’s always a great day. This couple had approached me several times while I was there writing, and talked with me. They were adorable! We befriended each other, and because I’m a writer, the gentleman had asked me if I might be able to do some secretarial work with them from time to time. I didn’t think much of it at the time, but we exchanged contact information and within a few months, they reached out to me and we began working.
In the midst of all my questions about life, I’ve been incredibly fortunate to spend at least one day per week with people who are nearing the age of ninety. Whether it’s the time I spend with my absolutely wonderful Oma, or the couple that I work with one day per week, I see life from this perspective often. In seeing the challenges that the elderly experience and knowing what some of their feelings are now that they’re going through the final stage of life, I’ve learned so much. The perspective I’ve gained has been invaluable. Again — ask and the Universe will deliver. Just make sure you’re ready. Shit gets real.
My Oma has such incredible stories about what it was like to live through WWII. What she and her family went through as DP’s. They were Germans living in Yugoslavia during the war. They lost their farm, and absolutely everything they had. They were driven out of the town they lived in, and headed for Germany. Those who chose to stay behind were killed. The stories are absolutely incredible. I will never take for granted the fact that I was able to be born in a country like Canada. We are so unbelievably fortunate here, and it never fails to blow my mind how many people take this for granted.
The couple I work with have become real, dear friends to me. I’m so grateful to know them! They share so many stories about their lives with me, we spend at least two hours of every time I go to work with them talking about life and death — and every experience one could possibly have in between. They’ve been around the world several times and they’ve led incredibly successful lives. I can honestly say that the amount of knowledge I’ve gained from them has been nothing short of amazing.
I’m lucky to have so much perspective at this stage in life, and I do not take this for granted.
Some of the talk where the subject of death is concerned has been really bleak. I can only imagine the frustration one feels as their bodies are falling apart, their health is ailing, they’re losing sight and hearing, and something as simple as a fall can potentially mean the beginning of the end. The perspective is so different, and it makes me realize a lot of things. About four months ago, I nearly lost my life due to a carbon monoxide leak in that home where I currently live, and that definitely put a whole lot of things into perspective. It’s a miracle that I’m still here. It truly is.
I believe in science, and I also believe that there are a lot of things that we aren’t meant to understand. I don’t believe in religion, but I do concede that there is definitely something else out there…I mean, someone had to dream all of this up, right? When it comes to finding purpose in life and understanding why it is that we’re here, I’ve recently come to the realization that maybe what we’re meant to learn is that we AREN’T meant to understand any of it. There are no definitive answers that come while we’re living. We can all claim to know what comes next, but the truth is, no matter how deep our faith may be, we really have no idea what comes next and we won’t know until we get there.
If there is a creator, maybe he/she was lonely. Maybe he/she was bored. Maybe the world really is a stage, and we’re all the entertainment. In discussing some very real fears with my dear elderly family and friends, it seems that the biggest fear is the fear of fading away — and the frustration of not being able to do anything about it. From my own perspective though, I realize that there’s no way any of these people are going to fade away. They’ve left their mark on me, and if they’ve left their mark on me, then they’ve left their mark on plenty of others as well. That carries on. It does not fade away.
As far as our individual journeys go, I’ve come to understand that as humans we trivialize things far too much. We care too much about what people think. We follow the status quo so that we’ll fit in. We get married and have kids because that’s what we’re supposed to do — sure, some people are genuinely happy and meant to do this, but look around you and be honest…really. How many people can you actually say that about? I’m not against doing these things, for the record, if it’s for the right reasons. If I find the man I’m meant to do it with, I absolutely will. I will not do it under any other circumstances, however.
I know that being so direct might make a lot of people uncomfortable, but it’s meant to. It’s meant to make you look at what’s really important and question it. We trivialize things during every step of our journey, and each time we do, we complicate what could otherwise be very simple. Maybe the meaning of life is to understand that we’re not meant to know the meaning. Maybe it’s just to BE, and be the best version of who we REALLY are so that when we move on from this life, we’ve left something positive behind. More on this shortly.
Have you ever had an experience with something or someone that moved you to the point of pure, genuine love? Have you ever seen the sunset over a snow covered mountain — so incredibly beautiful and inspiring — everything that mattered was clear in that moment, you knew you had connected with the source of whatever this entire experience is, and you knew you were a part of a greater whole? Have you ever met someone who changed the way you looked at everything from the moment you met them? You knew that they were different and unique, and you couldn’t help but love them? Real, genuine, unpretentious love. What if that’s the state we’re meant to exist at, and we’re meant to reach that, collectively? What if there really is nothing in the end, but you can choose to let go, and have the most amazing experience possible while you’re here?
Whatever your ultimate decision is, clarity comes to you — for better or worse — once you choose.
You don’t need to agree with me on any of this. I’m not looking for recruits, but if there’s anyone out there who’s either in the beginning, middle, or nearing the end of this transition that involves coming to terms with mortality, maybe you’re searching for some genuine words, and maybe these can help you in some way.
My dear 89-year-old friend, EAV, has given me many valuable insights and lots of great advice during the course of our friendship. Perhaps one of the most valuable is: Know the whole before the part.
Whatever you view as the whole will determine how you do your part during the time that you’re here.
There are some amazing things that religion does bring to this world, so if you’re a believer, that is wonderful. As long as your beliefs don’t cause harm to those around you, I’m all for people believing in whatever makes them happy.
Things aren’t always going to be easy, there are some pretty difficult inevitabilities that we are all going to have to deal with during our journey. Face the pain, go through the motions, and use them to make you stronger. The moments in between are the ones to savour though, and to appreciate fully — no matter how brief and simple they may seem at the time. Love those moments, appreciate them, and hold them in your heart.
I believe the meaning of life is to live a meaningful life. One that isn’t determined by anything outside of one’s self. Once you shed those outside expectations of others, the journey becomes your own and you will, absolutely, start finding the people and the circumstances that you need to flourish along the way.
We’re all vibrating at certain levels, and we attract others who are vibrating at the same level. We exist at that level, and we leave here at that level. That’s ultimately the level of energy that we leave behind — but we can always choose to see things through a different lens at any point during this journey. We can change our vibration if we choose to. The things that have happened to us are just that — they’re things. They teach us lessons that we need to learn, but they do not define who we are. We define who we are by how we choose to live our lives.
We have no idea what we’re actually capable of as beings yet — especially as focused, collective beings. We are definitely capable of so much more than what we currently represent as a collective, though. That is a given. I can’t tell anyone else what they should do, but I know that I want to continue moving forward as a person who brings light, love, and healing to others, and genuinely cares. Whatever happens at the end of this (I don’t know about you, but I’m going to be a badass ball of pure love energy, flying through the cosmos, listening to Wu-Tang), I see the whole as something that I’m not meant to know about. I don’t need to. The whole for me is love. My part is to be good, be love, and leave love behind.
What does the whole look like to you? What is your part?
*This isn’t the most polished piece I will write, but it was on my mind and I wanted to share it. There will be more pieces to come on the topic of living a meaningful life. — Mel
