Archaeologists lose their fucking minds after unearthing lost Arthurian legend
Alternative archaeologists [whatever that means] have uncovered the remains of a text they describe as a lost chapter in King Arthur’s lore.
After three years digging through rock on the icy coast of Wales, Arthurian archaeologists were about to pack it all up when one of the scholars found the text under a pile of ancient frozen horse shit.
“It was a miracle find,” said David Chapman, the project leader. “This is more special than my wedding day, but it does not trump the moment my mother-in-law cracked her knee while wrestling a Big Mac from a midget.”
Chapman said the text gives clues that Arthur’s knights may not have been as sterling, or as white, as the world was previously meant to believe.
The saga of Sir Wankalot is touted as the second oldest script in Arthurian legend, with the oldest being the story of Arthur extracting the Excalibur from Lancelot’s ass.
According to Chapman, the text mainly covers Sir Wankalot’s self-indulgent lifestyle.
“Sir Wankalot must have been Arthur’s laziest knight. In many occasions he waved off authority and most of the time, he was drunk or high.”
Chapman believes he could also be the founding father of modern day hip-hop. Sir Wankalot wrote and sang songs of a pleasure-seeking life. One verse loosely interpreted reads:
“Switching high to low road, gallop to bawd’s door on my golden steed,”
“A bag o’silver for your finest wenches, indeed.”
“I ride them out to my brethren, beffudled by honeyed mead,”
“Gone with your ignorance, I flatulate in the direction of Arthur’s creed.”
There are indications that Wankalot may not have originated from the United Kingdom or anywhere in Europe for that matter, said Chapman. He may have been a drifter from the Sub-continent.
“At times, the knight laments taking a seat at Arthur’s Roundtable, saying he missed his mother’s vindaloo, the fiery sun that bathed his hometown and the freedom to clear one’s throat in public.”
There is also an instance where Wankalot used his Eastern charm to woo none other than Arthur’s consort, Guinevere.
“He is said to smell of sister-in-law masala, a scent that no one in Dark Ages Britain would have encountered,” said Chapman. “It would have been exotic and he would have used it to lure Guinevere. He is said to have ‘tousled her behind six ways from Sunday.’”
Wankalot’s debauchery did not stop there. The text shows that he arrived drunk to most Roundtable meetings and smoked an herb that sent the entire court into a fit of giggles.
He was not handy with a sword either. In his first battle, Wankalot mistakenly slashed off Percival’s bell end and to stop the bleeding, he forced Gawain to pinch the wound closed with his teeth. Thereafter, his only weapon was to blow masala powder into the eyes of attackers, which, according to the text, was Arthur’s sole reason he had become the region’s most successful king.
