Political rhetoric on South Africa’s land reform debacle
US president, Donald Trump
I will be keeping an eye on the land issues in South Africa. Brownies are taking over America and the same can’t happen to South Africa. We need to protect our institutions from this takeover. Cinnabon and Krispy Kreme still don’t sell brownies and let’s keep it that way.
Economic Freedom Front president, Julius Malema
Why is Donald Chump keeping an eye on our land? Does he think he will mine brownies here? Over here, you will only find potatoes. We are planting Simba chips so that we grow nice salty potatoes in all kinds of flavours: fruit and chutney, Mexican chilli, salt and vinegar and cheddar.
Former president of South Africa, Jacob Zuma
I didn’t shit my pants on purpose. The masala brownies made me do it and I had no control over my bowel movements. I think I got too excited. From now on, I will stick to Cinnabon and Krispy Kreme.
Current president of South Africa, Cyril Ramaphosa
[Sound of crickets]
UK prime minister, Theresa May
Land reformation is fine as long as it is done legally and transparently. Paying farmers with a six-pack of Black Label and a chicken pie is no longer enough. They may just budge if you add a KFC bucket into the deal.
Canadian political commentator Stefan Molyneux
Seizing land from the farmers will only lead to food shortages and the mass migration of Krispy Kreme, Cinnabon and, God forbid, KFC.
Uncle Todd
What the fuck are you all on about? Let me go back to sleep.
