How To Avoid Trying To Win Arguments
Converting arguments from contests to collaboration.
“Most arguments are not really about the argument, so most arguments can’t be won by arguing.” (Kevin Kelly)
When people argue, they talk over one another because they are busy proving themselves right.
Talking, not listening, becomes the central activity in an argument.
Facts cannot change people’s minds. Facts produce the unintended effect of reinforcing people’s biases and strengthening their positions.
Arguments rarely persuade people to change their minds; a change of heart has to happen voluntarily.
You cannot reason people out of a position that they did not reason themselves into.”
Ben Goldacre
So, people argue to prove themselves right, knowing they cannot prove others wrong.
An argument is a projection of the ego, which cannot admit ignorance, error, or inaccuracy.
Emotions are the driving force behind arguments, not facts.
The best way to win an argument is by showing the ability and willingness to concede the narrow range of our understanding. By patiently listening to the other side and acknowledging the differences without acrimony, we avoid threatening the other person’s self-respect and identity.
One way to build trust in an argument is to repeat and rephrase what the other person said. A creative reiteration of each other’s statement expands mutual understanding and builds empathy.
People feel valued when others listen to their views. They walk away, agreeing to disagree without resentment.
Reframing an argument as a friendly exchange of views avoids the bitterness of ‘losing’ it.
When we eschew combativeness, we stoop to conquer.
“I find I am much prouder of the victory I obtain over myself, when, in the very ardour of dispute, I make myself submit to my adversary’s force of reason, than I am pleased with the victory I obtain over him through his weakness.”
― Michel de Montaigne
Treating an argument as a learning process makes it a win-win proposition.
In collective learning, there’re only winners and no losers.
When the collective stock of knowledge expands, inter-disciplinary exchanges take place, providing a crucible for nurturing innovation.
Let’s stop trying to win arguments, let’s start transforming them into learning opportunities. Let’s transform arguments into tools for mutual collaboration and synergistic engagement.
