The Art of Wasting Money On Food

If you’re one of those people that sets a budget, sticks to it, never wastes money, has saved 8 million dollars, and owns a boat then close this page right now. But if you’re one of those people that’ll question a $30 t-shirt, but buy a $30 meal without blinking, then bring it in. Hug it out. We’re family now.

There are a lot of things I waste money on, but food is definitely the #1 draft pick on this board. Period. Food. And if you’re still here then I imagine it’s the same for you. What the hell is wrong with us? Why do we do this? Why do we go spend $200 on groceries, but still stop at Whataburger on the way home?

Because wasting money is an art, and food is our paintbrush. Whew shit that was nice. That was Dante 6:12.

It takes a real level of creativity to get paid and be “broke” within the week. I put broke in quotations so people wouldn’t think I’m out here homeless and panhandling. But broke in the sense where it’s like damn…do I want to cop those Drake/Future tickets or not? And when you decide that it’s a no, but you think about how it’s a no, and realize it’s because you’ve wasted so much money on food, it hurts. It hurts.

What’s your favorite? Me? Fast food, of course. I’m just a kid from Oklahoma. That’s how we get down.

Fast food is quick hitter but that shit takes a toll on your body and pockets equally. Those $3.94 and $2.17s add up over time and poof, you’ve hit about $50 of FF in a month. And don’t even count the drunk nights. OH, DON’T. The $12.74s just because it’s payday? Add ’em up.

But let me guess: you don’t eat fast food? You’re sophisticated and uppity and shit? You fuck with the actual meals out? With the waiters and the tips and shit? Can we please talk about how expensive those meals can become? SON (or DAUGHTER). You get an appetizer and two drinks, boys end up eating their cable bill. Shit’s crazy out here. Shit is crazy and not safe. You tell yourself that a meal at these places is only $13 dollars but don’t factor in the complementary costs of the entire experience. Eating out ain’t cheap, bruh. But you gotta have it.

Let me guess: if you rock with actual meals then you’re ALL about Happy Hour, right? KNEW IT. You think that you’re going to walk in and get a couple drinks, drop $5-$7 on the counter and dip out, but absolutely not. Not on their watch. An appetizer deal? Chips, Salsa, Queso combo for the $6? Why not? Next thing you know, you’ve drop a whole Harriet Tubman.

Hold on, let me guess again: You eat out for lunch instead of taking your lunch, right? Same. WHY ARE SALADS SO EXPENSIVE? Get a chicken seez and you’re $11 out of pocket for no damn reason. For that much, you should’ve just said fuck the healthy choice and gotten a Caniac.

One last guess: after all of that, you still end up making an All My Money Went To Bills Even Though I Really Wasted It All On Food Purchase?

Same. Where are your seats?